20 May, 2022

Theology states St. Agnes is the Patron Saint of filthy hangovers

DAN SCHMIDT

After minutes of research, religious scholars have uncovered that St Agnes is the Patron Saint of absolutely rotten hangovers and sick BMX tracks.

Her namesake St. Agnes brandy has always been a staple of kitchen pantries around Adelaide. Mum always said it’s just for cooking, but one week all she cooked was frozen lasagna and nuggets but still used up an entire bottle. Strange.

Anyway, whilst a snifter of brandy has long been hailed as the secret to a long life by Today Tonight, many local teenagers who have raided their parents booze stock have discovered the immense hangover the Saint’s holy liquid can offer.

Theologians state it is believed the Agnes performed four miracles in her time to obtain her Sainthood, these were:

  • Successfully turning right onto Hancock Road from the Coles carpark.
  • Briefly convincing the market that premix brandy and cola would sell.
  • Hiding three extra people in the boot of her VL Commodore to sneak into the drive-in before it became Stratco.
  • Using her divine powers to ensure that the telephone ring from Bolzon’s Landscaping could be heard all across an entire suburb early on a Sunday morning.

Although her namesake distillery is located in the suburb of Tea Tree Gully for some reason, these miracles earned St. Agnes the Sainthood. She joins other local Saint, St Kilda, the Patron Saint of dangerous playgrounds and smelly mangroves.

Related Posts

Next 8 hours of office chat reserved for ‘that weather last night’

19 August, 2020

19 August, 2020

When the most interesting thing to happen to the typical office employee between the hours of 5pm and 9am is...

South Australian corrects interstate friend on her pronunciation again

19 February, 2019

19 February, 2019

In what is fast becoming a deal-breaker amongst new Victorian friends and colleagues of South Australian Shelly Fischer, the freshly-migrated...

New digital Adelaide Metro bus arrival signs to be installed pre-broken

3 October, 2018

3 October, 2018

In an effort to increase efficiency and reduce complaints, Adelaide Metro will be installing their new digital signs at transit...

Local “Teddy Bear Hunt” replaced with far easier “Mastrangelo Real Estate Sign Hunt”

20 April, 2020

20 April, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Parents around Adelaide’s suburbs (looking for ways to distract their kids from the tedium of life that only...

Adelaide Crows reveal new Showdown guernsey

9 April, 2021

9 April, 2021

With the next Showdown announced to take place in round 8, the Adelaide Crows have revealed a new strip that...

SA Water announce new Adelaide theme park ‘Burst Water Main World’

8 August, 2019

8 August, 2019

In an attempt to diversify revenue streams ahead of its probable privatisation, SA Water has revealed plans to open its...

Annoying ‘Yip Yip, Uh-huh Uh-huh’ Martian costumes also stolen, nobody cares

22 April, 2021

22 April, 2021

With the return of the Big Bird costume stolen from the Sesame Street Circus Spectacular in Bonython Park, it has...

Kid who asked for “Leggo” getting a jar of pasta sauce from South Aussie Santa

10 November, 2020

10 November, 2020

As November begins it means that our department stores and suburban shops are soon to be filled with Santas (actually,...

Elon Musk regrets not getting a second slab of West End from The Commercial Hotel in Jamestown

28 June, 2018

28 June, 2018

Global entrepreneur and deadset legend, Elon Musk, is still reminiscing about installing the world’s largest battery in South Australia’s far...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

Subscribe to Adelaide Mail for a free set of headphones

25 June, 2019

25 June, 2019

With the state’s largest satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, currently attempting to lure the fellow kids into subscribing to their state...

Calls to rename iconic sculpture as “Mall’s Balls” deemed “sexist and gendered”

26 May, 2021

26 May, 2021

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD?: Since 1977 Adelaide’s pair of big balls have been proudly on display for all to see....

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

OPINION: Politicians never lie about sources of income, pizza bar workers could learn from them

24 November, 2020

24 November, 2020

SEBASTIAN BOLD On Friday last week, a politician was furious, absolutely furious that somebody in the state of South Australia...

Mr. Bankrupt gets 200th consecutive daily COVID test after waking up with a sore throat again

2 December, 2020

2 December, 2020

The once successful ever-failing businessman Mr. Bankrupt has once again gone to a COVID-19 testing site after waking up with...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: