26 January, 2023

Archaeologists baffled by discovery of ancient relic in Ingle Farm Shopping Centre

TRENT BARTLETT

Though widely known as Adelaide’s “local place for fashion”, Ingle Farm Shopping Centre also plays host to some of the state’s most important archaeological discoveries.

Following on from the unearthing of a second Coles supermarket within fifty metres of another (clearly superior) Coles supermarket, an archaeologist has dug up another peculiarity nearby.

‘It is the most curious thing’, says Ingle Farm Shopping Centre’s Head of Archaeology Philbertino Aubergino. 

‘This part of the centre had not been a part of my planned dig, Security just moved me along after I started rigging explosives around that Yum Delicious kiosk. I’d heard there was a Wendy’s buried underneath. Could swear I could smell hot dogs, you know?’

We did not know what he was talking about, although we could smell hot dogs for the entirety of our interview with Philbertino. This could have been due to the fact that he had clearly just sat in an old hot dog before meeting up with us. 

‘George loves me, he’s the security guard, you’ll meet him I’m sure’, Aubergino continues, now leaning in and speaking at a hurried pace. ‘He’s always like “How’d you get back into the centre?” and “You’re supposed to be banned, you know”, real dry sense of humour’.

At this point in the interview it became clear that Ingle Farm Shopping Centre did not have an Archaeology Department and we had simply invented Philbertino as a vehicle for an observation about how the shopping centre still has a Sanity Music somehow.

Although our meta observations were interrupted by George the Security Guard chasing Philbertino from the centre once again.

On the plus side, we did pick up 3 DVDs for $50 on our way out.

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