23 September, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Gawler line revealed to have nation’s lowest headphones-to-phone ratio

A new study has revealed that Adelaide’s northernmost train line leads the country in instances of mobile phones playing loud, objectively bad music without headphones plugged in.

The study, being undertaken on Adelaide Metro’s most annoying train line, is seeking to understand the unique, baffling behaviour of Gawler line patrons.

‘We want to understand what makes this specific brand of human tick’, says Bildous Cundell from Adelaide Research & Survey Estimates (ARSE). 

‘Our main focus is whether there is something about the Gawler line that turns an otherwise regular person into an annoying, oblivious idiot. Or, if the Gawler line simply attracts all of northern Adelaide’s annoying, oblivious idiots. It’s a classic chicken and egg situation. Except in this case the chicken is a commuter and the egg is a Kerser song being played so loud that it’s completely distorted through a mobile phone’s tiny speakers’.

Our warning to those thinking of trying Kerser, even once, is: don’t do it

The results of the study had been expected to be released in 2016 but were, however, delayed due to the incapacitation of several ARSE researchers.

‘We’ve got a record number of employees on WorkCover following this study’, continues Cundell. ‘We’re now looking into the psychological impact of having to listen to dozens of different Aussie hip-hop songs simultaneously. Initial results are leading us to think that it greatly inhibits basic decision-making. Which might explain why these people are choosing to listen to continue listening to Kerser’.

‘Our warning to those thinking of trying Kerser, even once, is: don’t do it. It’s enough to damage your prefrontal cortex and keep you listening to it again and again’.

ARSE will next turn its attention to whether those likely to subject other commuters to their music are more likely to engage in loud arguments while holding the train’s doors open for too long at Salisbury station.

Related Posts

Looming end of winter great news for cable tie manufacturers

15 August, 2019

15 August, 2019

The looming end of Adelaide’s winter signifies two things for most South Australians: re-emerging from your house at night after...

Researchers find anyone who went to Mansions pre-2012 is immune to COVID-19 and most other things too

7 April, 2020

7 April, 2020

Fastracked South Australian TAFE short course health research graduates have made an initial discovery in what could be the first...

Karen no longer knows how to threaten local businesses without Today Tonight

27 November, 2019

27 November, 2019

LET ME SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!: This morning as Clarence Gardens facebook-mum of two Karen Decrows, 43, set off for...

Behold! The Garden of Unearthly Awkward Stop and Chats

19 February, 2020

19 February, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite the highest of expectations, one Gepps Cross man’s foray into the Garden of Unearthly Delights has degenerated...

Dad asks if you know what Myponga smells like

7 February, 2020

7 February, 2020

A Woodville South family once again became the butt of dad’s joke yesterday evening. An hour after the family’s Mexican...

ShitAdelaide changes name to MAFSadelaide

8 April, 2019

8 April, 2019

Originally a source of general ridicule at the expense of Adelaide’s drunk and poor, the mysterious owners behind Instagram account...

REVEALED: Dumpling King not even really royalty

11 November, 2019

11 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

Next season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ to actually be set in Adelaide’s premier suburb of Paradise

24 August, 2018

24 August, 2018

Due to excessive helicopter use and a vast majority of the budget being spent on Osher’s hair, Channel 10 executives have...

New food delivery service “O-Bahnacle Bill” set to challenge Uber Eats

25 January, 2019

25 January, 2019

Barnacle Bill will start delivering anywhere along the North East Busway track starting early next month. William Cirriped, Director of...

AFP raids Adelaide Mail offices only to find Xavier Minniecon

5 June, 2019

5 June, 2019

One year after publishing a damning exposé on the existence of the fictional suburb Kingswood, Australian Federal Police officers have...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

Mix 102.3 accidentally goes 15 minutes without playing Smash Mouth

13 December, 2019

13 December, 2019

In an unfortunate series of mistakes that may cost Mix 102.3 in the year’s final round of radio ratings, the...

Advertiser finance editor absolutely qualified to review Fringe shows

4 March, 2019

4 March, 2019

As tightening budgets continue to put pressure on satirical newspaper The Advertiser’s shrinking newsroom, the annual festival season has once...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: