25 May, 2022

Local man puts on a few KGs while working from home

DAN SCHMIDT

Part time pool cleaner and Valley View resident Al Lapanna has been working from home since COVID-19 hit (not for any particular reason aside from simply deciding he didn’t want to drive around anymore). And like many other South Australians, has put on some KGs while adjusting to the new lifestyle.

‘Working from home as a pool cleaner has been pretty rough’, stated Lapanna ‘not much new work coming in, but the regular customers have stuck by me. Jill from Para Hills for example, every fortnight she excavates her 12 by 4 metre fiberglass inground, drives it down to my place on the roof of her old Barina, I test the water, get the leaves out, clean the filter and off she goes. But loyal customers like Jill are few and far between’.

As a result of this work downturn, Lapanna has put on a few KGs.

‘I’m sitting around, not doing much, eating non-stop. So it’s only natural that I put some KGs on. And by “KGs” I mean South Australian cricket and media icon, Kenneth George Cunningham, of course’, Lapanna gobbled ‘It started out with just one sewn onto my jumper for a bit of fun. But seeing his smiling weathered face each time I looked in the mirror cheered me up a great deal, so I put on another, and another, and so on’.

When asked by Adelaide Mail reporters where he gets all these KG Cunningham transfers, Lapanna replied ‘Paramount Browns. You know, where you’ll find KGs in KGs and pounds?’

In what some have called a clear indicator of mental instability, Lapanna has since meticulously covered every article of clothing he owns with KG Cunningham’s face, often sewing, pressing and screen printing into the early hours of the morning.

The increasingly concerned Adelaide Mail reporters asked Lapanna why he was such a fan of KG, to which he replied ‘Oh, I’m not. I’d actually never heard of the guy until I decided I wanted to waste the Adelaide Mail’s time by writing a story about me’.

And this is why we don’t call for submissions.

Editor’s note: Thanks to comedian Big Al (Lapanna) for the hilarious headline submission. Big Al hosts a podcast called “The Badcast” (which is fine, but clearly not as good as AdeLOL) and you can hire him as an emcee for your event if he’s not too busy cleaning pools.

Related Posts

Crows fans oddly supportive of cancellation of AFL season

16 March, 2020

16 March, 2020

Crows fans are throwing their support behind the permanent cancellation of AFL matches as a precaution to the growing threat...

“Emo Park” rebrands as “Ska Park” in attempt to brighten reputation

3 October, 2019

3 October, 2019

The north-western pocket of Hindmarsh square has always been a strange place. Along with being home to what was awarded...

Community members begin filling in for teachers as strike takes effect

1 July, 2019

1 July, 2019

In a plot device lifted directly from the golden years of The Simpsons, unqualified members from the community have begun...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

Hindley Street to become 100% shisha bars by 2020, study reveals

17 January, 2019

17 January, 2019

New research into economic trends in Adelaide’s west end reveals that the city’s most famous nightstrip is heading towards wall-to-wall...

Jase reckons he could have his own Fringe show, mates agree

18 February, 2019

18 February, 2019

After having watched exactly 275 minutes of stand up comedy in his life, Jason ‘Jase’ Breadhand became convinced of his...

Christopher Pyne quits politics to spend more time doing what he loves

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In a coup for Adelaide Mail readers, outgoing Federal Defence Minister Christopher Pyne has revealed what his plans are for...

Remember when K-Mart was still called Keith-Martyn’s? And only sold Keith Martyn Almanacs?

4 May, 2020

4 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT We’re sure that older readers of Adelaide Mail remember this. In fact, if you do you are probably...

Returning SA residents can now undertake 14 Day Quarantine stuck on South Road on way home from airport

8 September, 2021

8 September, 2021

With border restrictions rapidly easing and/or increasing between many Australian states, one new local initiative gives returning South Australian residents...

Bloke’s tailbone still recovering after tobogganing over the jumps at Mt Thebarton

4 December, 2018

4 December, 2018

When a 14-year-old Alex Dangerfield visited Mt Thebarton in 1995 to experience tobogganing for the first time, he did not...

Pray for Kane: Cornes forced to scrap next six months of story ideas

4 September, 2019

4 September, 2019

Kane Cornes’s media career has been thrown into disarray after Adelaide Crows co-captain Taylor Walker announced that he will be...

Friend from Barossa corrects our pronunciation of ‘Tempranillo’ again

8 January, 2019

8 January, 2019

When Gerrand Deghard moved to Angaston in the Barossa Valley two months ago, he had never had a glass of...

Adelaide man thinks shirt smelling like smoke is the biggest issue as hundreds flee homes

21 November, 2019

21 November, 2019

As residents of Yorke Peninsula have fled their homes overnight, only to hear this morning that their property is lost,...

“SA wind farms to blame for Murray-Darling crisis, probably” – Morrison

14 January, 2019

14 January, 2019

Stand-in Prime Minister Scott Morrison has lobbed the political football squarely toward South Australia’s wind farms for the growing Murray-Darling...

Casual Crows fan unsure if he’s supposed to love or hate Tex this week

3 June, 2019

3 June, 2019

With his form flip-flopping since the 2017 AFL Grand Final, Adelaide co-captain Taylor Walker has been the cause of much...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: