29 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Frequent Marion shopper develops sophisticated algorithm to avoid charity workers

Rosaline Baker, 56, of Warradale enjoys nothing more than a good shopping spree at nearby Westfield Marion. It’s local, convenient and got everything I need’, she says.

However, her growing annoyance at intrusive charity workers placed at strategic mall exits, booths and storefronts led her to develop a detailed process which calculates the best shopping route to avoid charity workers with 97.2% accuracy.

‘They’re so off-putting. I’m just here to get me shopping done, not pay for a Kenyan child’s education or environmental research. I know most of the money doesn’t even go to helping the cause, but I just feel so mean ignoring or saying “no” to them, they always seem so enthusiastic and friendly’.

So instead of giving the polite “not today, thanks”, Rosaline spent months meticulously logging data of charity worker placement, movements and schedules, and is now reaping the benefits.

I’m just here to get me shopping done, not pay for a Kenyan child’s education or environmental research.

‘For example, today is Wednesday just after lunch, so I know that Cancer Council have left their usual position outside of Target to move closer to the food court. This means I have until 3.30pm to use the cinema exit until Amnesty International moves in’.

Rosaline puts her success down to the right mix of statistics, probability, geometry, algebra, calculus and ‘a little bit of local know-how’.

‘I was planning on making an app for it, but I don’t want this information getting into the wrong hands…plus my iPhone 4 screen is cracked’.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Regional dad hopes this Africola place does a good schnitty

22 November, 2018

22 November, 2018

Visiting his graduating son in ‘the big smoke’, Bill Wrangler of Renmark decided to take the family out for a...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

Adelaide’s Top 5 Instagram Accounts

1 June, 2021

1 June, 2021

Look, we’re too lazy and unfunny to come up with a new hilarious headline for you all today. So we...

Local wheelie bin maintains and confirms SAFM still rocks Banksia Park

21 June, 2021

21 June, 2021 1

Decades after the heyday of the SAFM Black Thunders gracing suburban Adelaide streets handing out icy-cold cans of expired cola,...

KP-24 sales skyrocket at Adelaide pharmacies

20 March, 2019

20 March, 2019

A wave of people have been heading into city pharmacies for the lice treatment, KP-24, and everyone is scratching their head...

PAFC set to ban single-use plastic tarps

6 July, 2019

6 July, 2019

Renewing its commitment to sustainability, Port Adelaide Football Club today announced that they would be doing away with the single-use...

Frewville Foodland security guard not really sure why he’s there either

6 July, 2018

6 July, 2018

Seven years since taking up the role, Derek Hughes has yet to chase, apprehend, or even caution a suspect person...

Sober Sea & Vines patron can still hear DJ Ötzi’s Hey Baby in his ears

11 June, 2019

11 June, 2019

Having committed to a well-intentioned but poorly-timed ‘month off the turps’ Alsace Lorraine found himself as designated driver for this...

‘What’s Sydney got that Adelaide doesn’t?’ says man who can’t find job

15 July, 2019

15 July, 2019

Unemployed volleyball salesman and indiscriminately parochial South Australian Conrad Junkles is often leaping to the defence of his home state....

Dog & Duck social media guy fucking nails it, yet again

3 January, 2020

3 January, 2020

While most businesses are finding it harder and harder to have their voice heard on social media, Adelaide nightclub Dog...

Fullarton Road servo sells out of these sunnies for some reason

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In what has been described by economists as an unpredicted and alarming spike in demand, a Fullarton Road service station...

State Government to reduce suburban Adelaide to one bus route

20 January, 2019

20 January, 2019

In a bid to increase efficiency across Adelaide’s struggling suburban bus network, the State Government has moved to remove all...

All 17 South Australian rugby fans very excited

4 November, 2020

4 November, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT Ahead of tonight’s opening State of Origin (it’s for some sport called rugby, we checked) game tonight, the...

Kid dressed as Britannia Roundabout wins Adelaide’s scariest costume contest

31 October, 2020

31 October, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT Britani-AHH!!: Adelaide held its annual scariest Halloween costume contest this morning, with thousands of children from all around...

Westfield vastly overestimating how much people actually want to go to Tea Tree Plaza

5 February, 2021

5 February, 2021

As Westfield Tea Tree Plaza shopping centre plans to enforce paid parking, one thing they haven’t considered is that nobody...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: