29 September, 2022

Fullarton Road servo sells out of these sunnies for some reason

In what has been described by economists as an unpredicted and alarming spike in demand, a Fullarton Road service station adjacent Victoria Park’s motor racing track has completely sold out of one particular style of sunglasses.

The distinctive wrap-around style of $15 black sunglasses typically sells one to two pairs per month. The sales usually come at the hands of a teenage dare or a suburban dad towing a boat on his way to Murray Bridge.

Owners of the service station have described those recently buying the sunglasses as men, all of similar appearance and age with the exact same facial hair, a goatee. The men are usually seen wearing some type of uniform, a collared black shirt featuring stitched insignias which may or may not be gang-related.

Economists from Adelaide Research & Survey Estimates (ARSE) have offered their thoughts on what could be behind the increased demand. The ARSE finger has pointed towards an orchestrated move by owners of the sunglasses’ manufacturer Doakley to create a false level of demand as they float their company on the intellectual property plagiarists’ stock exchange the All Ordinances 5000.

Premier Steven Marshall has a different idea, explaining who he thinks is behind the mysterious demand spike saying, ‘We had a Labor party in government who had grown arrogant with power. I have no doubts that Peter Malinauskas, Jay Weatherill and all their union buddies are sitting at home today wearing pairs of their ill-gotten sunglasses. Probably to shield themselves from media scrutiny of Labor’s Big Budget Blackhole’.

Not one to pass up the opportunity to insert his unwelcome opinion into an unrelated topic, Queensland senator, and king of the nutbags, Fraser Anning says that there is only one explanation for who could pull off such an alarming affront on local, Anglo-Saxon shops. African gangs.

Kane Cornes offered his view on the situation, stating: ’The Adelaide Footy Club is a disgrace. They pulled the wool over our eyes with their membership numbers and now they’re pulling fifteen dollar knock-off sunnies over their eyes with their members’ money. An absolute disgrace’.

Satirical newspaper The Advertiser offered their take, laying the blame at the feet of the defunct fleet of Ofo shared bikes, former Premier Mike Rann and restrictive shop trading hours.

The mysterious owners of Instagram account ShitAdelaide also chimed in with their poorly-formed, unsolicited political opinions. The account owners wrote ‘We often poke fun at those buying speed dealer sunnies. But we truly believe that the government needs to do something to ensure that we have reliable access to speed dealers, as is our right as South Australians’. Bafflingly, the caption was attached to a video of a mentally ill man dancing in the Moseley Square fountain while on-lookers shouted ‘ShitAdelaide’. The video had 17,000 likes.

Related Posts

Local woman decides to ruin day by reading comments on Advertiser article

30 May, 2022

30 May, 2022

‘Maybe someone has something insightful to ad’ mistakenly thought Tay Bloyd once again. Despite having a perfectly fine morning, Tay...

Greenhills Adventure Park equipment repurposed for new ‘Greenhill Road Adventure Park’

1 February, 2019

1 February, 2019

After closing over two years ago, Victor Harbor’s biggest attraction and insurance liability Greenhills Adventure Park will have a new...

Kent Town resident drives length of North Terrace without being stopped

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Dwayne Hoff of Kent Town could not believe his luck last Wednesday afternoon. As he hopped in his car to meet friends at “The Deli” in Thebarton, little did he know what was in store for him.

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

11 March, 2020

11 March, 2020

TOM STEWART Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce...

Collingwood given all-clear to play as long as they promise not to touch the footy

2 June, 2021

2 June, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT In an eleventh-hour decision, South Australian authorities have given Collingwood players and staff an exemption to travel into...

Tensions escalate as Israel mistakenly bombs Gaza Footy Club

18 May, 2020

18 May, 2020

A north-eastern Adelaide football club has been mistakenly drawn into a long-running Middle Eastern conflict solely because their name is...

Misguided Get This tribute lands nerds in middle of Veale Gardens beat

4 July, 2019

4 July, 2019

An ill-advised tribute tour of every landmark referenced in cult Triple M radio show Get This has ended in the...

You WON’T BELIEVE what Kane Cornes said on SEN 1629AM! Mainly because of all the static

11 December, 2020

11 December, 2020

He’s done it again, folks. South Australia’s king of controversy and 2020’s Best and Fairest Servo Sandwich Hawker has made...

300-year-old gum tree to be shipped in for Burnside Village redevelopment

10 March, 2020

10 March, 2020

With demolition works underway for the latest expansion to Burnside Village, the shopping centre’s owners have revealed their latest idea...

Boomer at work despite flu to ensure he can insult vegan fest attendee

28 October, 2019

28 October, 2019

While Adelaide’s vegans may be recovering from a weekend spent at Rundle Park’s Vegan Festival, one local boomer has dashed...

Bloke asking ‘Which Freeway do you mean?’ definitely not from here

5 November, 2019

5 November, 2019

A motorist who stopped at a Glen Osmond Road service station for directions to the closest mechanical likeness of a mythical...

Glam Adelaide intern fired for only reposting Southport Beach stairs six times in a week

31 August, 2020

31 August, 2020

A social media intern at South Australia’s home of lifestyle news and filtered drone photos, Glam Adelaide, has been let...

Protesters storm Tea Tree Plaza Caffe Primo demanding return of $9.90 meals

8 January, 2021

8 January, 2021

Thousands of South Australian patriots have shown up at Caffe Primo to demand the return of the $9.90 meal special,...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

Theology states St. Agnes is the Patron Saint of filthy hangovers

8 December, 2020

8 December, 2020

After minutes of research, religious scholars have uncovered that St Agnes is the Patron Saint of absolutely rotten hangovers and...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: