Frewville Foodland security guard not really sure why he’s there either

Seven years since taking up the role, Derek Hughes has yet to chase, apprehend, or even caution a suspect person at Frewville Foodland.

Derek spends his day wandering around, merrily chatting to law-abiding shoppers, and ensuring accidently dropped receipts are placed in the recycling bin, all whilst wondering if he is even needed at the complex.

‘It’s pretty low-key,’ says Derek ‘but that’s not to say we haven’t had a few close calls. Once somebody started playing the ‘Still D.R.E.’ intro on the supermarket piano. I could have told them to move on, but they were really good.’

Derek finished his organic fruit smoothie and got back to work ‘I know it’s bad for business, but hopefully one day some punk tries to gank some groceries. Seriously, can’t wait to choke a bitch out.’