16 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Rob Lucas madly Googles ‘SA state-owned assets’ after GST writedown

A $474 million reduction in previously promised Commonwealth grants and GST revenue and has seen State Treasurer Rob Lucas resort to frantically searching for any remaining state-owned assets that he could flip for some quick cash.

As Australia’s superior economic managers™️, the Liberals’ only objective as government is to maintain a budget surplus, a fact that Lucas knows all too well, as revealed by Lucas’s recent search history for which Adelaide Mail submitted a FOI request.

Lucas immediately boots up his 486 and launches Netscape. He doesn’t really know how computers work so I was standing right next to him pretending to put spacebar oil into his keyboard.

We should receive word on that request within the next 6-7 years, thankfully we have embedded a spy within the office of the DPC. Having offered to work for only the cost of her car parking has pretty much insured her against the inevitable redundancies that come with working for Rob Lucas in any form.

‘The news came down that Frydenberg was planning on cutting some of the grants and GST revenue to the state’, says Adelaide Mail spy Thelma Fantastic. (Thelma asked us to come up with a pseudonym for her as to not raise any suspicions amongst her colleagues, but we liked the fake name that she already had).

‘So Lucas immediately boots up his 486 and launches Netscape. He doesn’t really know how computers work so I was standing right next to him pretending to put spacebar oil into his keyboard. So because I’m standing there I see all of his auto-fill suggestions in Google and they’re all just variations of “How to get your face to be bigger”. He has got quite a tiny face, I suppose’.

Hmm, he does have a small face, I suppose
Rob Lucas and his tiny face.

‘Anyway, he types in “South Australian state-owned assets”. Luckily me and some of the staffers had seen this coming, so we logged into Wikipedia yesterday and changed the article he was looking at so that the only thing that would come up would be Parliament House and Nurlutta Train Station’.

‘So I think he’s trying to sell Nurlutta to the Shahins for about $600 million. Could make a good spot for an Oporto’s I guess’.

Related Posts

Surely selecting VICTORIA Park as a testing location was a deliberate low-key diss

5 August, 2020

5 August, 2020

Our state’s newest COVID-19 drive through testing station opened in Adelaide’s Victoria Park this morning, resulting in car queues of...

Ingle Farm bachelor applies for ‘Farmer wants a wife’

8 February, 2019

8 February, 2019

Tired of the local dating scene and not being able to find a girl who will settle down, or even...

Campbelltown man installs sprinklers to water concrete while he’s on holiday

12 July, 2018

12 July, 2018

A Campbelltown man has installed a state-of-the-art, new sprinkler system to continue a strict routine of concrete watering over his...

You can visit Red Square this weekend! (And by ‘Red Square’ we mean some ginger nerd)

20 May, 2020

20 May, 2020

With news breaking that pubs will not commence reopening until June, there are still plenty of ways to have fun...

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

11 March, 2020

11 March, 2020

TOM STEWART Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce...

Send help. Stuck in traffic on Copper Coast Hwy. Tell wife I love her

28 January, 2019

28 January, 2019

It’s been fourteen hours since I left the campsite at Innes National Park, we thought that we were getting a...

Stirling celebrates record low crime, waste, and vaccination rates

12 December, 2018

12 December, 2018

The Adelaide Hills town of Stirling is celebrating at the end of this year, with statistics showing a trifecta of...

Frequent Marion shopper develops sophisticated algorithm to avoid charity workers

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Rosaline Baker, 56, of Warradale enjoys nothing more than a good shopping spree at nearby Westfield Marion. It’s local, convenient...

Adelaide Metro app update to feature better arrival time accuracy of non-existent buses

12 November, 2018

12 November, 2018

In the largest app update since the ‘randomly crashing’ feature Adelaide Metro has announced the newest app feature for commuters....

Desperate $5 Fringe show now accepting AfterPay

13 March, 2019

13 March, 2019

Photo credit: Abi Skipp Following several weeks of lower-than-expected ticket sales, the Garden of Unearthly Delights’ cheapest ticketed show — The...

Sober Sea & Vines patron can still hear DJ Ötzi’s Hey Baby in his ears

11 June, 2019

11 June, 2019

Having committed to a well-intentioned but poorly-timed ‘month off the turps’ Alsace Lorraine found himself as designated driver for this...

Victor Harbor shops sell out of loaves of bread and sunscreen for some reason

24 November, 2018

24 November, 2018

In a bizarre, localised spike in demand not seen in over eleven months, Victor Harbor shops are quickly selling out...

All South Australian citizens are legally entitled to a portrait of Johnny Haysman

13 August, 2018

13 August, 2018

Johnny Haysman is arguably the most loved person in South Australia, if not the world. It’s said that he owns...

Chunky Custard to be inducted into SA’s Rock n Roll Hall of Lame

11 October, 2018

11 October, 2018

Since the early 90’s, cover band Chunky Custard have been donning the zany wigs, crazy costumes and slightly outdated references....

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: