29 May, 2023

Rob Lucas madly Googles ‘SA state-owned assets’ after GST writedown

A $474 million reduction in previously promised Commonwealth grants and GST revenue and has seen State Treasurer Rob Lucas resort to frantically searching for any remaining state-owned assets that he could flip for some quick cash.

As Australia’s superior economic managers™️, the Liberals’ only objective as government is to maintain a budget surplus, a fact that Lucas knows all too well, as revealed by Lucas’s recent search history for which Adelaide Mail submitted a FOI request.

Lucas immediately boots up his 486 and launches Netscape. He doesn’t really know how computers work so I was standing right next to him pretending to put spacebar oil into his keyboard.

We should receive word on that request within the next 6-7 years, thankfully we have embedded a spy within the office of the DPC. Having offered to work for only the cost of her car parking has pretty much insured her against the inevitable redundancies that come with working for Rob Lucas in any form.

‘The news came down that Frydenberg was planning on cutting some of the grants and GST revenue to the state’, says Adelaide Mail spy Thelma Fantastic. (Thelma asked us to come up with a pseudonym for her as to not raise any suspicions amongst her colleagues, but we liked the fake name that she already had).

‘So Lucas immediately boots up his 486 and launches Netscape. He doesn’t really know how computers work so I was standing right next to him pretending to put spacebar oil into his keyboard. So because I’m standing there I see all of his auto-fill suggestions in Google and they’re all just variations of “How to get your face to be bigger”. He has got quite a tiny face, I suppose’.

Hmm, he does have a small face, I suppose
Rob Lucas and his tiny face.

‘Anyway, he types in “South Australian state-owned assets”. Luckily me and some of the staffers had seen this coming, so we logged into Wikipedia yesterday and changed the article he was looking at so that the only thing that would come up would be Parliament House and Nurlutta Train Station’.

‘So I think he’s trying to sell Nurlutta to the Shahins for about $600 million. Could make a good spot for an Oporto’s I guess’.

Related Posts

Private school alumni excited for not watching cricket season

20 October, 2020

20 October, 2020

As football season has wrapped up for the state of South Australia, the attention of Adelaide’s private school alumni turns...

Decade old Puratap filter probably fine

22 April, 2020

22 April, 2020

When Darren* and Amelia* (names changed to maintain anonymity) purchased their St. Clair property in 2010, little did they know...

Modern Day Mawson: Man goes to Golden Grove Netball Courts without jacket

22 June, 2022

22 June, 2022

SADNARCTICA: Although Saturday’s weather was sunny and calm, one local man severely underestimated the harshness Golden Grove Netball Courts’ own...

Daniel Andrews to become new face of Victoria Bitter

19 June, 2020

19 June, 2020

A HARD EARNED THIRST FOR WHAT SA HAS: “Why would you want to go there?” remarked Victorian Premier Andrews earlier...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

Elon Musk buys AdelaideFree Wifi for thirty bucks and a carton of West End

28 April, 2022

28 April, 2022

After buying Twitter earlier this week for over 60 billion dollars, Tesla CEO and apartheid mining heir Elon Musk has...

Brand new Gawler line trains somehow already tagged

7 June, 2022

7 June, 2022

After finally finding a 42 kilometre extension cord at Paramount Browns, it seems that the brand new trains along the...

Westfield vastly overestimating how much people actually want to go to Tea Tree Plaza

5 February, 2021

5 February, 2021

As Westfield Tea Tree Plaza shopping centre plans to enforce paid parking, one thing they haven’t considered is that nobody...

Adelaide’s own Squid Game?! We replaced the glass over the museum squid and a kid fell in.

26 October, 2021

26 October, 2021

Desperate to keep up with the latest trends in a bid to attract more readers, Adelaide Mail are here to...

Call Eshay Quality Home Improvements if you wanna get knocked down brah

15 February, 2021

15 February, 2021

With South Australia’s other satirical news website exposing the existence of a “new” youth subculture which is well over a...

Magic Cave now just a ‘Magic 3 x 4 metre room’

19 November, 2018

19 November, 2018

Budget cuts and declining sponsors have hit the Magic Cave hard this year, with Santa and his entire grotto allocated...

Adelaide Metro bus driver sets heater to a nice comfortable 48 degrees

2 July, 2020

2 July, 2020

As we enter the middle of a mild winter, Adelaide public transport operators are doing the best to ensure the...

Next 8 hours of office chat reserved for ‘that weather last night’

19 August, 2020

19 August, 2020

When the most interesting thing to happen to the typical office employee between the hours of 5pm and 9am is...

Every Polites building to be heritage listed in 2020

6 September, 2019

6 September, 2019

In a surprising move by the SA Heritage Listing Council, it has been deemed that each and every Polites building...

Melbourne man visits Adelaide just to complain about shop trading hours

12 January, 2019

12 January, 2019

Gouland Hambitter and his family moved to Melbourne from Adelaide when he was eight-years-old. His father had taken up a...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: