16 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Man considers moving after reading local Tea Tree Gully Facebook group

DAN SCHMIDT

Less than 48 hours after joining the local community Facebook group “WHATS GOING ON IN TEA TREE GULLY”, lifetime North-East resident Hancock O’Barn-Smart has decided it’s probably best that he move away from the area as soon as possible.

‘I just requested to join the group to find a local tradie’, Hancock told Adelaide Mail ‘but immediately it became quite clear that I’m actually surrounded by absolute idiots with zero critical thinking skills’.

Within the past two days, Hancock has seen no less than 12 unfounded conspiracy theories heavily supported by his local community, countless xenophobic top comments, residents arguing over the answers to those simple boomer Facebook riddles that have absolutely nothing to do with the local area, a marriage proposal spelt out in pepperoni on a Pizza, and such a lack of critical thinking that Hancock feels even his sub-par Modbury High education would classify him as a MENSA member in the Tea Tree Gully area.

“I’m actually frightened that these people live around me.”

Hancock O’Brien-Smart

Initially deciding to buy in the Tea Tree Gully Council region because of good property value, easy city commute, and all the glitz and glamour that the Pelican Plaza shopping experience has to offer. Over the past two days, Hancock has made plans to promptly move away from the area before the leafy north-east inevitably becomes an anarchist state governed by right-wing nuts, anti-vaxxers and those loud dickhead teenagers that hang around at the O-Bahn interchange for no reason.

‘At this point, I don’t feel my family is safe here’, continued Hancock ‘I mean, I’ve always known the elected members are cooked, but that’s okay because local council doesn’t really do anything anyway. But the sheer amount of pure idiocy by residents is what has really frightened me’.

When our reporters asked why he didn’t just simply leave the Facebook group, Hancock replied ‘It’s like a car crash, I can’t look away. It’s starting to take a hold of me. I even actually started to think I may be able to use logic and evidence to reason with another user in the comments, I need to get out before it’s too late’.

Hancock either plans to move as soon as possible, or he could simply get banned from the group by sharing this news article.

Related Posts

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

Mental health advocate lodges complaint over use of ‘Mad March’

5 March, 2019

5 March, 2019

In an unsurprising turn of events, a university academic with too much time on his hands over the summer break...

Superloop gives up, starts referring to itself as ‘Clipsal’

21 February, 2019

21 February, 2019

Before the first Superloop 500 event has even started, the company behind the naming rights has reportedly already given up...

Peter Van the Party Man really just wants a quiet night in with the kids

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

It’s been over thirty years of non-stop debauchery for Goodwood Road’s most-famous party man Peter Van, but his days of...

Man celebrates 40th birthday by agreeing with Leon Byner for the first time

12 October, 2018

12 October, 2018

Drew Ratcage has never been too bothered by the prospect of turning 40, that was until he found himself nodding...

TAFE SA qualifications now offered on Foodland dockets with purchase over $40

3 December, 2018

3 December, 2018

The aftermath of controversy, audits, resignations, misconduct and corruption has led to TAFE SA taking drastic measures to ensure qualifications...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

SA called ‘Beggar State’ by Senator literally begging for money on GoFundMe

14 November, 2018

14 November, 2018

NSW Senator David Leyonhjelm has described South Australia as a “beggar state” that should be thrown out of the Australian...

Goodwood Road cemetery to add severed head sculpture to existing public artwork

5 July, 2020

5 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Goodwood Road cemetery is looking to increase the number of sculptures depicting severed appendages in a renewed...

Dangerfield tells tribunal Crows showed him “No Respect, No Respect At All”

23 March, 2021

23 March, 2021

As news breaks that Geelong Cats star Patrick Dangerfield will miss three AFL games for a careless hit on Adelaide’s...

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

Golden Grove resident protests removal of trees

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

As news breaks that over 180 trees will be removed from the streets of Golden Grove, one resident is doing...

Adelaide in midst of annual coloured chalk shortage

7 November, 2018

7 November, 2018

‘Tis the season for Christmas pageants throughout the state, and with that comes the yearly coloured chalk supply shortage. Parents...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

REPORT: Tim Noonan really just a poor man’s Xavier Minniecon

10 January, 2020

10 January, 2020

After eighteen months of exhaustive studies, researchers are still unable to formally identify what the hell Channel Seven Weather Presenter...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: