In a scene reminiscent of a decade past, another tree has met its demise in Adelaide’s fourth least-worst shopping centre.
Despite being completely made of artificial materials, a tall Christmas tree has mysteriously died in the centre full of shops that we’ve never even heard of because we’re far too pov to shop there.
‘It was looking a bit droopy the past week,’ confided Lee Brooke, a fitting stylist from Scanlan Theodore (see, absolutely no fucken idea what the hell that is) ‘but I figured it was just the heat from all these hot people. We’re just a bit better looking here than everywhere else’.
A spokesperson for Burnside Village, Glenn Zyde, Centre Director of Shopping, Horticulture, Infrastructure & Trees, stated ‘We’ve had a crew working around the clock on saving the tree…Overnight obviously, we can’t subject our patrons to the sight of working people’.
‘We’ve installed misters, de-misters, ventilation, irrigation, humidifiers, de-humidifiers, and even hired a new age tree-whisperer to try and save it. But unfortunately, nothing has worked’.
‘But fear not, we have a solution’, continued Zyde ‘as our patrons have come to expect reasonable, cost-effective and rational decisions from us, we will be replacing the Christmas tree with a brand new state-of-the-art, eco-friendly, ethically sourced, battery-powered, hologram-projected Christmas tree in the main atrium’.
‘It should be ready just in time for Boxing Day’.
