28 February, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Royal Park Salvage mascot should really get that middle leg looked at

Dan Schmidt

Look, we’re not going to pretend we know what Royal Park Salvage does, or even go to the effort of looking it up, we’re just really concerned for the physical health of their mascot.

As far as we can guess, Royal Park Salvage does something that requires a lot of trucks, perhaps recycling or demolition, however that’s not the point of all this. Their rotund orange mascot is clearly in need of an adult pediatrician, if that’s even a thing (once again we’re not going to look it up).

Carrying what seems to be either a mallet or a croquet club, the egg shaped fellow appears to have two legs on the right side of his body, one protruding from his groin and one directly underneath his armpit. With neither leg is in optimal place for any kind of physical activity, particularly manual labor, one can only wonder how this fellow obtained his White Card (actually it’s pretty easy to obtain, when I did it the guy sitting next to me was smoking meth during the examination part and he helped me with the answers).

What the hell is going on with your body mate, seriously?

And why do we only ever see one side of the man? Does he have three, perhaps four or more, legs? We can only speculate and grow increasingly worried the more we look at him.

Although his almost perfectly round body shape could also be somewhat disturbing, we’ve actually seen a fair few guys on building sites with shapes similar to this. One guy I used to work with, Thommo, would down 2 litres of Iced Coffee before morning break and then smash two pies, a kransky, a big cookie and a Violet Crumble from the smoko-truck before lunch. Then he’d fall asleep on the forklift after yelling at us for not doing enough work. Thommo looked just like this guy but without the leg.

Royal Park man, if you are reading this, please seek medical attention immediately. However, if you are just a fictional cartoon, please ensure your artist makes a booking with a local optometrist.

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