28 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

REVEALED: Pelicans actually prefer to shop at TTP

Dan Schmidt

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South Australia, today we are here to bring you a shocking truth.

Since most can remember, the corner set of shops in Ridgehaven, Pelican Plaza, has been home to the local Hungry Jack’s and an odd assortment of other shops. However, inside sources from the pelican community have revealed that the large birds much prefer to do their shopping across the road at Tea Tree Plaza.

Speaking with one whistle-blower from the pelican community, who will go under the pseudonym Percy Ville, stated to Adelaide Mail investigative journalists that ‘No, we certainly don’t shop there, especially since the Lego store moved. You won’t find any of us there, shame on them for using our name to represent a third rate shopping centre. I mean, is it even a Plaza?’

We looked it up, technically it is.

We’d rather shop at Modbury Triangle, St. Agnes shops, or even that little set of shops at Holden Hill, you know the one with the Barnacle Bills?

Percy Ville continued ‘There is absolutely nothing there for us pelicans. Hungry Jack’s don’t do a fish burger, the Cheesecake Shop don’t make fish cakes, and even though there are two banks there, neither of them can help us with our big bills…get it?’

We got it, pretty witty for a bird.

‘Any shopping we have to do, we do at Tea Tree Plaza, it’s got everything you need, plus they put that nice little pond out front for us now where kids keep throwing coins at us. We don’t mind, every little bit helps. Especially when you’ve got big bills like us…get it?’

Like the first time, yes.

‘Pelican Plaza is the worst. We’d rather shop at Modbury Triangle, St. Agnes shops, or even that little set of shops at Holden Hill, you know the one with the Barnacle Bills? Hey, speaking of bills…’

Adelaide Mail has found that Pelican Plaza is deliberately misleading consumers through the implication that pelicans shop there, or at least hang-out there like those dickhead kids by the Tea Tree Plaza entrances and interchange. We would start a class-action on behalf of pelicans, but they’ll probably keep bringing up the ‘Bill of rights’ to make a joke and we just can’t handle that anymore, they’re just so annoying.

Editor’s note: A huge thanks to our good friend and fellow north-east hood-rat Lisa K. for bringing this scandal to our attention. She didn’t get back in time to our message asking if she wanted anything promoted here.

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