19 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Number One! Number One! SA leads the nation in this one key statistic

TRENT BARTLETT

There aren’t too many measures in which South Australia ranks first amongst Australian states. Mainland states that is. We remain unconvinced about Tasmania’s claim to statehood. However, there is one statistic in which this state excels and has done consistently for decades.

South Australia’s jobless rate has smashed all predictions, soaring to become the nation’s highest, a seasonally-adjusted win for our, admittedly bare, trophy cabinet.

State treasurer and winner of Australia’s Smallest Face 2018 Rob Lucas has gloated about the result, boasting about smashed records and promising more of the same for SA, promising to continue ‘forging ahead with our sound economic policies*’

Treasurer Rob Lucas continues to impress with his tiny face.

In fact, so impressed was the government with the accolade that a winner’s party was thrown, fittingly, in the derelict surrounds of Port Adelaide in the lobby of the government’s Port office tower-cum-gulag.

A poor turnout wasn’t going to stop the night’s festivities, with hundreds of now-redundant former public servants handed a cheeky twenty-five bucks to attend the party and ‘not steal anything’. Yet another benefit of leading the nation in this stat. Very cheap, desperate labour.

Suck shit, other states.

*Actual quote from the treasurer about SA’s unemployment rate. 

Related Posts

ShitAdelaide blocked us now we have to go outside to laugh at the poor

28 June, 2019

28 June, 2019

Having come to rely on a local Instagram account as our conduit to the outside world, our schedule had come...

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

21 December, 2018

21 December, 2018

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount...

To avoid confusion Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton / Penfold / St Bernards Road to get even more names

14 January, 2020

14 January, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Adelaide’s single stretch of road with more names than any other, Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton...

Sober Sea & Vines patron can still hear DJ Ötzi’s Hey Baby in his ears

11 June, 2019

11 June, 2019

Having committed to a well-intentioned but poorly-timed ‘month off the turps’ Alsace Lorraine found himself as designated driver for this...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Bowden plant sale customer will definitely keep them alive this time

6 May, 2019

6 May, 2019

Serial houseplant murderer Juniper Cortisol may have a track record in buying and subsequently killing all of her previous houseplants,...

The Advertiser returns to 100% satire following April Fools’ prank

2 April, 2019

2 April, 2019

It is a publication that has always gone to great lengths to get a laugh from South Australians. From the...

Identically-dressed gang members terrorising Schoolies with Jesus talk

23 November, 2019

23 November, 2019

A terrifying new youth gang, reportedly referring to themselves as ‘The Green Team’ are already striking fear into the hearts...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Researchers remain baffled at financial viability of shop in Station Arcade

30 May, 2018

30 May, 2018

After two years spent attempting to understand the specific economics of Adelaide’s Station Arcade, researchers are no closer to answering...

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

South Australian unreasonably smug watching Queenslanders lose their minds over plastic bag ban

5 July, 2018

5 July, 2018

Sometimes you just have to rub your hands together and look on with glee at the failures of those other,...

More like “Slowa Pasta” says local comedic genius

9 August, 2019

9 August, 2019

As a group of friends decided to treat themselves 1998’s best dining experience, little did they know what was in...

Addicts reduced to drinking Dare as iced coffee shortage hits

16 April, 2019

16 April, 2019

With the state in the midst of a regional Farmers Union Iced Coffee shortage, scores of heavily-addicted South Australians have...

Rip It Up relaunches with Pokies reviews and noise complaint liftout

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

Heritage Adelaide street press Rip It Up magazine is set for a relaunch with a new focus on reflecting the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: