6 December, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Number One! Number One! SA leads the nation in this one key statistic

There aren’t too many measures in which South Australia ranks first amongst Australian states. Mainland states that is. We remain unconvinced about Tasmania’s claim to statehood. However, there is one statistic in which this state excels and has done consistently for decades.

South Australia’s jobless rate has smashed all predictions, soaring to become the nation’s highest, a seasonally-adjusted win for our, admittedly bare, trophy cabinet.

State treasurer and winner of Australia’s Smallest Face 2018 Rob Lucas has gloated about the result, boasting about smashed records and promising more of the same for SA, promising to continue ‘forging ahead with our sound economic policies*’

Treasurer Rob Lucas continues to impress with his tiny face.

In fact, so impressed was the government with the accolade that a winner’s party was thrown, fittingly, in the derelict surrounds of Port Adelaide in the lobby of the government’s Port office tower-cum-gulag.

A poor turnout wasn’t going to stop the night’s festivities, with hundreds of now-redundant former public servants handed a cheeky twenty-five bucks to attend the party and ‘not steal anything’. Yet another benefit of leading the nation in this stat. Very cheap, desperate labour.

Suck shit, other states.

*Actual quote from the treasurer about SA’s unemployment rate. 

Related Posts

Community members begin filling in for teachers as strike takes effect

1 July, 2019

1 July, 2019

In a plot device lifted directly from the golden years of The Simpsons, unqualified members from the community have begun...

Turns out Flagstaff Road was just an elaborate prank on motorists from the northern suburbs

30 September, 2020

30 September, 2020

As South Australia gears itself to farewell the last of its reversible roads, the state’s Minister for One-Way Roads, Hovercraft...

Gawler line revealed to have nation’s lowest headphones-to-phone ratio

8 October, 2019

8 October, 2019

A new study has revealed that Adelaide’s northernmost train line leads the country in instances of mobile phones playing loud,...

Mr. Bankrupt gets 200th consecutive daily COVID test after waking up with a sore throat again

2 December, 2020

2 December, 2020

The once successful ever-failing businessman Mr. Bankrupt has once again gone to a COVID-19 testing site after waking up with...

Power fans start pretending they always follow SANFL

20 September, 2019

20 September, 2019

With the Port Adelaide Magpies facing off against Glenelg in the SANFL Grand Final this weekend, Port Power fans will...

OTR owners to install giant sun-blocking device over Adelaide

18 December, 2018

18 December, 2018

South Australia’s omnipotent overlords the Peregrine Corporation have proposed an eternal solution to guaranteeing demand for 24/7 convenience stores and...

Victor Harbor launch new tourism campaign, “We’re Missing U”

13 May, 2020

13 May, 2020

As travel restrictions ease, Victor Harbor launches a new tourism campaign

Advertiser’s top 100 restaurant list just Barnacle Bill 100 times

16 October, 2019

16 October, 2019

Usually the number one source of fish and chip paper itself, our State’s leading satirical newspaper The Advertiser has surprised...

Nobody really sure if the Red Tins thing is sarcastic or not

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

From twenty-somethings happily sharing the same beer with their fathers to bar owners happily off-loading their surplus of West End...

State Government to reduce suburban Adelaide to one bus route

20 January, 2019

20 January, 2019

In a bid to increase efficiency across Adelaide’s struggling suburban bus network, the State Government has moved to remove all...

Outrage as advertising projected on to Adelaide’s most famous cultural landmark

9 October, 2018

9 October, 2018

The iconic brick façade of Adelaide’s West End Brewery will be used to advertise a party supplies shop after SA premier Stephen...

Wayne Weidemann’s glorious mullet immortalised in bronze statue

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

Never a city to be outdone by Melbourne, today Adelaide unveiled it’s very own bronze statue in response to Tayla...

Local hip-hop trio find religion, rename themselves ‘Hillsong Hoods’

29 May, 2019

29 May, 2019

In a move that has shocked the hip-hop community, Adelaide’s most influential hip-hop group, Hilltop Hoods, have announced a change...

Adelaide Fashion Festival just showcasing whatever is on sale at Harris Scarfe

20 October, 2018

20 October, 2018

The State’s leading fashion event is currently underway in Adelaide, with designers, runway models, socialites, and critics flying in from...

North East Road to be 100% service stations by 2026

9 January, 2020

9 January, 2020 1

With the rise in popularity of X Convenience service stations and OTR’s “they build one, we build two” policy, urban planning experts have revealed that this exponential growth will lead to North East Road becoming entirely lined with service stations by mid-2026.

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: