3 August, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Lost child at WOMADelaide probably better off to be honest

DAN SCHMIDT

As South Australia’s leading world-music and body-odour festival goes on this weekend, a six year old child has been found without their parents.

Information coming in from slightly buzzed Adelaide Mail reporters on the scene is that the child named Willow-Chakra Newstart, is not only doing quite well, but actually thriving without their parents around.

Willow-Chakra has given authorities a description of their parents as “dreadlocked, obnoxious and politically opinionated middle-aged white people”, but unfortunately this has failed to narrow down search efforts. However, the child seems pleased with this.

Begging for some gluten and carbohydrates, Willow has been fed some chicken nuggets and has settled down on a couch with an iPad in an attempt to restore some normality to the child’s life.

“I’ve gone for months without food so mum and dad could buy tickets”

Willow-Chakra Newstart

Welfare officers have been called on scene to provide the child with clean clothing that isn’t made of hemp, enrol the child in public school, and get them vaccinated for the first time in their life.

When we asked on-scene Adelaide Mail reporters if there was any further information on how the child’s unemployed parents were able to afford tickets to a very expensive festival, they replied ‘Let us tell you how much absolute pure love we have for you’.

We think the MDMA is kicking in.

Related Posts

Kent Town resident drives length of North Terrace without being stopped

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

Dwayne Hoff of Kent Town could not believe his luck last Wednesday afternoon. As he hopped in his car to meet friends at “The Deli” in Thebarton, little did he know what was in store for him.

11 Adelaide Things From the 90’s You’ll Only Remember If You’re Between 21 and 140 Years Old!

18 June, 2021

18 June, 2021

MATTHEW DEVITT 1990: Dazzleland doesn’t open yet “Hey kids! As you all know, it’s late 1989! How would you like...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

26 October, 2018

26 October, 2018

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Adelaide Metro app update to feature better arrival time accuracy of non-existent buses

12 November, 2018

12 November, 2018

In the largest app update since the ‘randomly crashing’ feature Adelaide Metro has announced the newest app feature for commuters....

Magic Cave now just a ‘Magic 3 x 4 metre room’

19 November, 2018

19 November, 2018

Budget cuts and declining sponsors have hit the Magic Cave hard this year, with Santa and his entire grotto allocated...

Far-Ken Hall! Adelaide’s biggest plumber goes rural

2 October, 2019

2 October, 2019

Adelaide’s biggest plumbing business, Ken Hall Plumbers is expanding its operations across rural South Australia. Marketing manager for Ken Hall...

The Queen just found out Elizabeth is named after her and she is fucking pissed

31 May, 2021

31 May, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT As if her year couldn’t get any worse, Queen Elizabeth II has just learned that the northern Adelaide...

Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre will abolish Pike Position

12 December, 2019

12 December, 2019

With the Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre HQ looking to go ahead sometime in the near future because they’re the Crows...

AFP raids Adelaide Mail offices only to find Xavier Minniecon

5 June, 2019

5 June, 2019

One year after publishing a damning exposé on the existence of the fictional suburb Kingswood, Australian Federal Police officers have...

Now a North Adelaide Resident, Djokovic makes noise complaint at 7pm on Friday

23 January, 2021

23 January, 2021

Whilst world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic has been in quarantine in North Adelaide, he has become accustomed to...

Community members begin filling in for teachers as strike takes effect

1 July, 2019

1 July, 2019

In a plot device lifted directly from the golden years of The Simpsons, unqualified members from the community have begun...

Desperate for a vaccine, people start lining up for Shotz like it’s 2005

26 March, 2020

26 March, 2020

As the world scrambles to find a vaccine for COVID-19, desperate and clearly confused South Australians are looking for anywhere...

Chief Medical Officer dismisses conspiracy theory that blames 5G for Caleb Bond

11 May, 2020

11 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The state’s deputy-deputy chief medical officer Dr Morris Gypsum has dismissed a conspiracy theory that points the finger...

Courteous paperboy throws Messenger right next to recycle bin

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

Loading up the milkcrate strapped to the front of his BMX each Wednesday after school, Jackson DeGoris prepares for his...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: