27 October, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Collingwood given all-clear to play as long as they promise not to touch the footy

TRENT BARTLETT

In an eleventh-hour decision, South Australian authorities have given Collingwood players and staff an exemption to travel into the state ahead of their Saturday clash against Adelaide.

However, their permission for entry comes on one key condition: that they absolutely promise not to touch the footy or anything else for the entire time that they are here.

The state’s Deputy Chief-Deputy Health Officer Dr Daniel von Deputy told reporters today that the rule is perfectly achievable.

‘It’s a pretty easy rule to abide by, we think, especially considering the ‘Pies recent run of form! Eh? Eh?’, Dr von Deputy’s “joke” received the response it deserved from the gathered throng of presumably non-football-supporting journos with most ignoring the attempt at humour and instead seeking clarification on how the rule will work in practice.

‘Well it’s simple, we’ll let Collingwood in, but they just have to do all of their touching of things on the other side of the Victorian border. While in SA, no touching anything, including the footy.

‘Although,’ Dr von Deputy began again apparently with another zinger up his shirt-sleeves and to the groans of the press pack, ‘we don’t think that’s going to prove a problem for Hoskin-Elliott…eh? Eh?’

At this point, most journos had moved on apart from Tom Richardson who seemed to be laughing throughout the entire press conference. We sidled up to Tom to verify that he was indeed laughing at the Doctor’s attempt at humour.

When we got closer found that he was simply cacking it at a doctored GIF from The Simpsons in which a very tall man makes Nelson Muntz walk down the street with his pants pulled down. In this particular GIF, Nelson’s underpants were adjusted to bear Port Adelaide colours of black, white and teal.

‘Oh ho ho, this is a wonderful send-up,’ Tom was heard remarking before sharing it on his Twitter. Our offer to Tom to write for the Adelaide Mail still stands.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Farmers Union releases Iced Coffee flavoured LPG Gas. Don’t ask why, just buy it.

15 October, 2021

15 October, 2021

Since launching the Iced Coffee flavoured doughnut, the team at Farmer’s Union have quickly realised that the majority of you...

MIRACLE: PM somehow manages to make our Premier seem like a good leader

6 January, 2020

6 January, 2020

In perhaps his finest achievement of his Prime Ministership to-date, Scott Morrison has pulled off a selfless miracle, sacrificing his...

Noel’s Caravans jingle tops SA reggae charts for 728th consecutive week

19 October, 2018

19 October, 2018

For over a decade the laid back calypso beats and offbeat feeling of the Noel’s Caravans jingle has been so...

The Advertiser returns to 100% satire following April Fools’ prank

2 April, 2019

2 April, 2019 1

It is a publication that has always gone to great lengths to get a laugh from South Australians. From the...

Something a little off about this 40 year old bloke still listening to Fresh FM

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

Kristy just introduced this Darren guy to the group, and he seems nice and all, but we’re just not too...

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

Royal Park Salvage mascot should really get that middle leg looked at

11 February, 2020

11 February, 2020

Look, we’re not going to pretend we know what Royal Park Salvage does, or even go to the effort of...

Playford resident quickly finds out why House & Land package was so cheap

8 October, 2018

8 October, 2018

Finally deciding to bite the bullet of home ownership, Mel Ashton, 29, of Smithfield, felt she could not go past...

We rank Adelaide’s best TikTok stars

29 June, 2021

29 June, 2021

Whether they’re annoying shoppers while filming cringey shit in Rundle Mall or thinking their videos actually get that many views,...

Move over Mods! This wrestler’s changing his name to Ian Perrie in tribute of the OTHER Crows legend

29 October, 2020

29 October, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Earlier this week it was revealed that a WWE wrestler had changed his name to that of former...

OTR revise plans for HQ after helipad complaints; Now it’s just a giant Monty Python foot stomping on the eastern suburbs

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

Our omnipotent overlords at Peregrine Corporation have signalled that they’re ready to negotiate on plans for a new head office...

State Liberals sign sponsorship deal with Dulux in attempt to whitewash their reputation

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

With their reputation already facing questions thanks to former Liberal MP Sam ‘Wandering Hands’ Duluk, the South Australian Liberal Party...

Local man puts on a few KGs while working from home

3 July, 2020

3 July, 2020

Part time pool cleaner and Valley View resident Al Lapanna has been working from home since COVID-19 hit (not for...

4 hour parking limit very optimistic about people’s desire to spend their time at Colonnades

27 August, 2020

27 August, 2020

One of Adelaide’s southern suburbs shopping and smoking centres has come under scrutiny around its imposed parking limit times. Colonnades...

Adelaide Crows eyeing off homesick Victorian with first ever #1 pick at AFL draft

4 July, 2020

4 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT The Adelaide Crows are looking to the future, with the club seeking to wrap up their first ever...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: