28 March, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Something a little off about this 40 year old bloke still listening to Fresh FM

TRENT BARTLETT

Kristy just introduced this Darren guy to the group, and he seems nice and all, but we’re just not too sure about him. We did notice that he was quite keen to buy everyone a drink, especially Kristy’s girlfriends, you know he’s nice but there is something just a bit off about him.

When he first showed up he slapped down a bunch of those Bingo tickets that you get in footy clubs and fish & chip shops saying ‘not one bloody winner in the lot’.

He chose six songs, and they were all different versions of Groove Terminator’s “Here comes another one”

We looked closely and a lot of the discarded tickets did indeed spell the winning word B-I-N-G-O. There were a lot of winners in there. Was Darren just frantically opening these tickets and assuming that they were all losers? What kind of luck had he experienced in his life up until that point? Or was he somehow incapable of reading the word “bingo”?

We knew he could read other things, he kept reading out the names of Indian cricketers from the pub’s tv screen in an overly phonetic, Australian way. ‘That Achinkah Raharnee is rubbish’, he said at least twice to nobody in particular.


And then there’s the jukebox. He seemed to get very excited when he noticed that the pub had a jukebox and pulled out about twenty one dollar coins from his shirt pocket. He chose six songs, and they were all different versions of Groove Terminator’s “Here comes another one”. Single version, instrumental version, a capella version, dub version. Who wants to hear an a capella version of a Groove Terminator song?

Before he left he made us go around the table and tell him their favourite thing about Kristy. Then, before we knew it, he’d gone. As he was driving away we sat in silence listening to Fresh FM sponsorship messages played at full volume on his car’s stereo.

He didn’t take his Oakley sunglasses off of his forehead once.

Related Posts

“Melbourne is so much better” says girl who couldn’t afford to live there

16 July, 2019

16 July, 2019

Having recently moved back to Adelaide after a brief stint in Australia’s most consistently overcast city, polaroid photography student Edith...

China finds crafty solution to Baby Formula problem

26 November, 2019

26 November, 2019

With the aftermath of 2008’s Chinese milk scandal still looming over parents’ minds across the country, one Chinese company has...

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Wayne Weidemann’s glorious mullet immortalised in bronze statue

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

Never a city to be outdone by Melbourne, today Adelaide unveiled it’s very own bronze statue in response to Tayla...

Midnight Pharmacy seriously gives no fucks anymore

28 February, 2019

28 February, 2019

What was once an innovative practice for the early 2000’s, in an age where South Australian pharmacies were banned from...

Power fan with ‘Est. 1870’ tattoo tells Crows fan to ‘stop living in past’

5 April, 2019

5 April, 2019

Albert Tonne is one of those ‘passionate’ Port Power fans, he attends most Power home games (unless it’s a little cloudy or...

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert...

‘What’s Sydney got that Adelaide doesn’t?’ says man who can’t find job

15 July, 2019

15 July, 2019

Unemployed volleyball salesman and indiscriminately parochial South Australian Conrad Junkles is often leaping to the defence of his home state....

Old mate looking for roast buffet ends up at new CBD hospital

30 January, 2020

30 January, 2020

An event that can only be described as “not newsworthy at all” (even for Adelaide Mail standards) occured in the...

Steven Marshall reinvents himself with some snazzy new sneakers

9 January, 2019

9 January, 2019

Never one to shrink from the opportunity to imitate one of his federal government counterparts, South Australian Premier Steven Marshall...

SA Govt stops tourists entering state from late March under “Operation Business As Usual”

24 March, 2020

24 March, 2020

From 4pm today South Australia will close its borders to all non-essential visitors in response to the spread of COVID-19....

Gays Arcade forced to change name after experts confirm it’s more of a mall

12 July, 2019

12 July, 2019

The LGBTQIA community (Laneway, Galleria, Business, Trader, Quickie-Mart, Independent retailer, and Arcade) are rejoicing as experts have changed the name...

If quarantined, please listen to the other hundred Adelaide Crows podcasts instead of making your own

20 March, 2020

20 March, 2020

As working in isolation and two-week quarantines become commonplace for many South Australians, a high proportion of 20 and 30...

All 17 South Australian rugby fans very excited

22 August, 2019

22 August, 2019

With the announcement that Adelaide Oval will host the State of Origin (it’s for some sport called rugby, we checked)...

MIRACLE: PM somehow manages to make our Premier seem like a good leader

6 January, 2020

6 January, 2020

In perhaps his finest achievement of his Prime Ministership to-date, Scott Morrison has pulled off a selfless miracle, sacrificing his...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: