21 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

South Australian unreasonably smug watching Queenslanders lose their minds over plastic bag ban

TRENT BARTLETT

Sometimes you just have to rub your hands together and look on with glee at the failures of those other, backward states. At least that’s the motto of Seaview Downs man Patrice Culdesac who has been watching with keen interest the roll out of a plastic bag ban across other parts of Australia.

‘I heard on the radio that Queenslanders could no longer get a plastic bag from July 1’, says Culdesac.

‘Then I saw a bunch of yobbos from the Gold Coast complaining on Facebook that they’d have to buy bags when they go shopping. I thought, mate, try living in SA, I’ve been carrying my shopping home loose in my arms since 2009’.

‘They don’t know how hard it’s been carrying a maximum of thirteen small — or six large — items home from the shops. I haven’t been able to cook a good paella for about nine years!’

I’ve been carrying my shopping home loose in my arms since 2009

When asked about why he didn’t simply purchase a reusable canvas bag for his shopping, Culdesac responded, ‘I have! Got a whole room full of the things at home. I just never remember to bloody bring them, do I?’

‘Had 316 at last count. The things have spewed out of the cupboard into the laundry too, I’ve had to move the dog bed outside because I’ve run out of space. Dexter was a little grumpy about it at first, but I think he knows that it’s for the good of the environment’.

Meanwhile, the Seaview Downs man has decided to commit to monitoring the interstate plastic bag ban full time, quitting his job as an Orange Sorter (which is exactly what it sounds like) to concentrate on 24/7 schadenfreude.

in News
Related Posts

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

The Advertiser returns to 100% satire following April Fools’ prank

2 April, 2019

2 April, 2019

It is a publication that has always gone to great lengths to get a laugh from South Australians. From the...

Ceduna resident extremely angry about Adelaide Park Lands development

9 April, 2019

9 April, 2019

Murat Thevenard of Ceduna is your average consumer of South Australia’s satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, he gets it delivered to...

What the hell is East Terrace’s deal, anyway?

29 July, 2019

29 July, 2019

For all the plaudits paid to South Australia’s most famous drawer of grids Colonel William Light, nobody has ever bothered...

We rank Adelaide’s top (and only) 3 working digital Adelaide Metro signs

18 November, 2019

18 November, 2019

What was meant to be Adelaide Mail’s first barely readable, every item on a different page, advertisement clogged ‘Top 10 List’, has...

Ingle Farm shopping centre considering radical third Coles store

13 September, 2019

13 September, 2019

Following the success of the populist “A Chicken In Every Pot, Two Coles in Every Mall” plan, Ingle Farm Shopping...

SA Dentists host annual Farmers Union Iced Coffee appreciation night

9 December, 2019

9 December, 2019

South Australia’s dentists gathered for their industry’s night of nights on Saturday night, with their annual Farmers Union Thanksgiving Dinner....

Outrage as advertising projected on to Adelaide’s most famous cultural landmark

9 October, 2018

9 October, 2018

The iconic brick façade of Adelaide’s West End Brewery will be used to advertise a party supplies shop after SA premier Stephen...

Demand for SA produce leads to spike in exports of Adelaide tap water

21 June, 2019

21 June, 2019

With the growing international reputation of South Australian food and wine, foodies from around the world have begun to develop...

Jase reckons he could have his own Fringe show, mates agree

18 February, 2019

18 February, 2019

After having watched exactly 275 minutes of stand up comedy in his life, Jason ‘Jase’ Breadhand became convinced of his...

Truckie was just holding out for cheaper fuel price

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

A truck driver that caused massive delays on the downtrack of the SE Freeway remains convinced that he made the...

Steven Marshall reinvents himself with some snazzy new sneakers

9 January, 2019

9 January, 2019

Never one to shrink from the opportunity to imitate one of his federal government counterparts, South Australian Premier Steven Marshall...

“SA wind farms to blame for Murray-Darling crisis, probably” – Morrison

14 January, 2019

14 January, 2019

Stand-in Prime Minister Scott Morrison has lobbed the political football squarely toward South Australia’s wind farms for the growing Murray-Darling...

New SA tourism campaign just a 5 day live stream of weeping widow

2 September, 2019

2 September, 2019

South Australia’s tourism commission has unveiled a new marketing concept that is equal parts depressing and long, the two key...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: