30 November, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Government announce second road race for December – Santa’s Tour Down Under

MATT FREEMAN

Riding a wave of excitement from the Tour Down Under, the state government are set to add a second cycling road race to the Adelaide sporting calendar this December, “Santa’s Tour Down Under”.

Chief advisor to the Sports Minister, Mr Paulo Tonne said ‘We’ll have a hundred or so people in Santa costumes riding around Adelaide throwing out free gifts, mainly cash and gift vouchers from their sacks to all who they pass by. The call out for riders will be happening soon and it’s a great chance for the less athletic to take home the $200,000 prize money. We encourage anyone with a BMI above 30 who can hold a sack while riding to apply’. 

The government has budgeted $2.6 billion for the first two years of the race, $2 billion of which will be for the 2021 race to be held three months before the state election. However, this is still believed to be less than the total fees paid to Lance Armstrong by the previous government.

The route will be radically different to the TDU, which tends to take in only the most beautiful scenery the state has to offer, while Santa’s Tour Down Under will only be going through marginal electorates and past the houses of Liberal party members.

The event will also differ from traditional cycling races with the drinks station being replaced by a buffet where we expect that the soft serve machine will always be broken.

We encourage anyone with a BMI above 30 who can hold a sack while riding to apply

When informed of this new event while having a late afternoon snack of a Vili’s Dog and a Kitchener bun, Labor spokesman, Pinko Komi said ‘Shit. Is this for real? Those bastards. I wish we thought of it. Just a sec, I can ride a bike and have years of experience handling bags of cash and discreetly handing them to the undeserving. Where do I get an application form?’

We look forward to chants of ‘Ho ho ho’ next December in Adelaide streets that have long been absent of ‘ho’s.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Burnside resident asks if travel bubble could be constructed exclusively around Eastern Suburbs

12 May, 2020

12 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT As the state begins to lift some of its coronavirus restrictions, attention has turned to travel and when...

Unley Mum-of-three wine drunk for forty-seventh consecutive night under guise of “supporting local”

9 June, 2020

9 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Unley mother and professional car park line-ignorer* Gelded Coolslap is looking at seven straight weeks without a sober...

Rob Lucas madly Googles ‘SA state-owned assets’ after GST writedown

17 December, 2019

17 December, 2019

A $474 million reduction in previously promised Commonwealth grants and GST revenue and has seen State Treasurer Rob Lucas resort...

Misguided Get This tribute lands nerds in middle of Veale Gardens beat

4 July, 2019

4 July, 2019

An ill-advised tribute tour of every landmark referenced in cult Triple M radio show Get This has ended in the...

“Yeah that counts as a bath” says dad who has clearly given up for the year

22 December, 2019

22 December, 2019

In what was initially meant to just be letting the kids “dip their feet in” the water play area of...

Man plays quick 9 at Holey Moley before last year’s gift card expires

24 December, 2019

24 December, 2019

A Somerton Park man has knocked off work early in a frantic rush to get to novelty mini golf course...

North Adelaide Roosters announce 78 co-captains

4 February, 2019

4 February, 2019

Following suit of the State’s AFL clubs and following their key to success, excess, North Adelaide Football Club have decided to...

8 Common Phrases Only Adelaide People Will Understand

7 August, 2021

7 August, 2021

These are SUCH Adelaide phrases.

Port Adelaide celebrates 25th anniversary of really taking off in the next few years

16 September, 2020

16 September, 2020

This week officially marked the 25th anniversary of Port Adelaide locals, clueless investors and desperate medium-density housing developers all maintaining...

Call Eshay Quality Home Improvements if you wanna get knocked down brah

15 February, 2021

15 February, 2021

With South Australia’s other satirical news website exposing the existence of a “new” youth subculture which is well over a...

Rip It Up relaunches with Pokies reviews and noise complaint liftout

13 June, 2019

13 June, 2019

Heritage Adelaide street press Rip It Up magazine is set for a relaunch with a new focus on reflecting the...

Casual Crows fan unsure if he’s supposed to love or hate Tex this week

3 June, 2019

3 June, 2019

With his form flip-flopping since the 2017 AFL Grand Final, Adelaide co-captain Taylor Walker has been the cause of much...

Next season of ‘Bachelor in Paradise’ to actually be set in Adelaide’s premier suburb of Paradise

24 August, 2018

24 August, 2018

Due to excessive helicopter use and a vast majority of the budget being spent on Osher’s hair, Channel 10 executives have...

Goodwood Road cemetery to add severed head sculpture to existing public artwork

5 July, 2020

5 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Goodwood Road cemetery is looking to increase the number of sculptures depicting severed appendages in a renewed...

New sports radio station 1629 SEN releases coverage map

10 December, 2018

10 December, 2018

Following questions about the breadth of new sports-only radio station SEN’s broadcast coverage, the fledgling station has released a comprehensive...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: