26 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Unley Mum-of-three wine drunk for forty-seventh consecutive night under guise of “supporting local”

TRENT BARTLETT

Unley mother and professional car park line-ignorer* Gelded Coolslap is looking at seven straight weeks without a sober interaction with her three children, a small price to pay for ‘supporting local’ says Coolslap.

With the local wine economy flagging in the face of the dual hits from bushfires and coronavirus, Coolslap took on the task of saving the local economy entirely off of her own back (and struggling liver).

I’m a hero, really. If you think about it. Everyone else has been saying “give money to firefighters” and “give money to the poor”

‘I could not just sit idly by and watch all these great local businesses go under,’ Coolslap hiccupped at Adelaide Mail.

‘I’m a hero, really. If you think about it. Everyone else has been saying “give money to firefighters” and “give money to the poor” and “ma’am you’re not allowed behind the bar, we’re actually closed”…nobody has been thinking about the poor winemakers.’

‘Well, I’ve been thinking about them, and you’re welcome SA wine industry,’ at this point Coolslap gestured proudly at an overflowing recycling bin which was, quite frankly, beginning to smell of stale wine quite a bit.

Adelaide Mail reporters did suggest that Gelded might have caused a far greater local economic downturn from the decreased productivity stemming from constant hangovers, but we were swiftly ignored.

Actually, Gelded did acknowledge us but only to say: ‘I can’t hear you over my wine,’ before whispering something unintelligible at her fifth glass of Shaw & Smith sauvignon blanc.

*“They’re just a guide, how can anyone fit a Touareg in a spot that narrow”

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