25 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Addicts reduced to drinking Dare as iced coffee shortage hits

With the state in the midst of a regional Farmers Union Iced Coffee shortage, scores of heavily-addicted South Australians have had to take drastic steps to satiate their FUIC dependence.

The Adelaide Mail has received reports of consumers driving for up to 200 kilometres in search of the flavoured milk.

One motorist was stopped by traffic police at Tailem Bend for exceeding the speed limit by over 80 kmh, the motorist reportedly told the officer ‘Maybe those Victorian bastards are holding out on us’.

What we don’t want to see is the shortage leading to those with addictions seeking their fix from stronger, more harmful flavoured milks

Meanwhile, the shortage is believed to be the reason behind a series of ram raids on several OTR locations overnight, with out-of-date signage alerting passing customers to a (suspiciously reasonable) 2 for $5 deal.

In each instance the stores were not only out-of-stock but their doors were already wide open to the public, rendering the ram raiding a slightly dramatic and, frankly, cliché representation of the power of addiction. Two stars.

Head of Drug, Alcohol & Flavoured Milk Addiction Services Frunklin Heebestat has told Adelaide Mail of the risks involved in a FUIC shortage.

‘What we don’t want to see is the shortage leading to those with addictions seeking their fix from stronger, more harmful flavoured milks’, says Heebestat. ‘The last time this happened we had reports of people consuming large quantities of strawberry milk and banana milk. We even heard of some people sinking as low as eggnog, we simply cannot let that happen again’.

Perhaps most concerningly, reports are now circulating that sales of Dare Iced Coffee in South Australia have hit an all-time high, meaning that South Australians are not only desperate but they have also lost all sense of self-respect.


More as it develops.

Related Posts

Gays Arcade forced to change name after experts confirm it’s more of a mall

12 July, 2019

12 July, 2019

The LGBTQIA community (Laneway, Galleria, Business, Trader, Quickie-Mart, Independent retailer, and Arcade) are rejoicing as experts have changed the name...

Suburb of Paradise hit with false claims lawsuit

15 January, 2019

15 January, 2019

The north-eastern suburb of Paradise has found itself in legal trouble with a class action lawsuit being filed by thousands...

Researchers remain baffled at financial viability of shop in Station Arcade

30 May, 2018

30 May, 2018

After two years spent attempting to understand the specific economics of Adelaide’s Station Arcade, researchers are no closer to answering...

China finds crafty solution to Baby Formula problem

26 November, 2019

26 November, 2019

With the aftermath of 2008’s Chinese milk scandal still looming over parents’ minds across the country, one Chinese company has...

Local numpty goes to new Royal Adelaide Hospital just to have a look around

9 July, 2018

9 July, 2018

Despite having no current health issues, John Duffle of Windsor Gardens has made his fourth trip to the new Royal...

Road workers bored with South Road, add some sick jumps to Blackwood roundabout instead

17 July, 2020

17 July, 2020

F**K IT FRIDAY: For generations road “workers” have been “working” on South Road in a quest to make some sort...

Adelaide Crows external review results revealed: Shit’s fucked

11 October, 2019

11 October, 2019

The Adelaide Football Club have revealed the results of a six week-long, in-depth external review of both its on and...

Man leverages home equity to pay for son’s frog cake addiction

2 February, 2019

2 February, 2019

Being a single parent is never easy financially, especially when you have a ten-year-old son eating upwards of three Balfours...

“R U OK? Day” followed up with far less popular “R U OBAHN? Day”

11 September, 2020

11 September, 2020

In the wake of the extremely important R U OK? Day, a group of South Australian public transport enthusiasts has...

Community members begin filling in for teachers as strike takes effect

1 July, 2019

1 July, 2019

In a plot device lifted directly from the golden years of The Simpsons, unqualified members from the community have begun...

14 year old comedic genius invents the nickname “Colon Aids”

19 March, 2020

19 March, 2020

A Hackham West teenager has taken Adelaide’s southern suburbs by storm after creating a hilarious crude nickname for Colonnades shopping...

Melbourne man visits Adelaide just to complain about shop trading hours

12 January, 2019

12 January, 2019

Gouland Hambitter and his family moved to Melbourne from Adelaide when he was eight-years-old. His father had taken up a...

Rob Lucas thanks Tammy from MyBudget for her assistance this week

5 September, 2018

5 September, 2018

Preparing his first budget in over 17 years, Treasurer Lucas wasn’t really sure where to start. ‘Yeah, it was a...

Misguided Get This tribute lands nerds in middle of Veale Gardens beat

4 July, 2019

4 July, 2019

An ill-advised tribute tour of every landmark referenced in cult Triple M radio show Get This has ended in the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: