14 May, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Addicts reduced to drinking Dare as iced coffee shortage hits

With the state in the midst of a regional Farmers Union Iced Coffee shortage, scores of heavily-addicted South Australians have had to take drastic steps to satiate their FUIC dependence.

The Adelaide Mail has received reports of consumers driving for up to 200 kilometres in search of the flavoured milk.

One motorist was stopped by traffic police at Tailem Bend for exceeding the speed limit by over 80 kmh, the motorist reportedly told the officer ‘Maybe those Victorian bastards are holding out on us’.

What we don’t want to see is the shortage leading to those with addictions seeking their fix from stronger, more harmful flavoured milks

Meanwhile, the shortage is believed to be the reason behind a series of ram raids on several OTR locations overnight, with out-of-date signage alerting passing customers to a (suspiciously reasonable) 2 for $5 deal.

In each instance the stores were not only out-of-stock but their doors were already wide open to the public, rendering the ram raiding a slightly dramatic and, frankly, cliché representation of the power of addiction. Two stars.

Head of Drug, Alcohol & Flavoured Milk Addiction Services Frunklin Heebestat has told Adelaide Mail of the risks involved in a FUIC shortage.

‘What we don’t want to see is the shortage leading to those with addictions seeking their fix from stronger, more harmful flavoured milks’, says Heebestat. ‘The last time this happened we had reports of people consuming large quantities of strawberry milk and banana milk. We even heard of some people sinking as low as eggnog, we simply cannot let that happen again’.

Perhaps most concerningly, reports are now circulating that sales of Dare Iced Coffee in South Australia have hit an all-time high, meaning that South Australians are not only desperate but they have also lost all sense of self-respect.


More as it develops.

Related Posts

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

“It’s a myth that everyone from Adelaide knows each other…but yeah, I know Matt”

15 January, 2021

15 January, 2021

A travelling Adelaide worker has once again reinforced the the myth that all South Australians happen to know each other...

Chunky Custard to be inducted into SA’s Rock n Roll Hall of Lame

11 October, 2018

11 October, 2018

Since the early 90’s, cover band Chunky Custard have been donning the zany wigs, crazy costumes and slightly outdated references....

P-Plater fined for NOT doing burnout at Golden Grove Hungry Jack’s Drive-Thru

25 February, 2021

25 February, 2021

The day after a man has been arrested for doing a burnout at a southern suburbs Hungry Jack’s, another similar...

Just FYI, that Whispering Wall is a dirty snitch

15 July, 2020

15 July, 2020

DAM SNITCH: We all have secrets. Some large, some small, some downright incriminating. But when we confide in someone or...

Peter Van the Party Man really just wants a quiet night in with the kids

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

It’s been over thirty years of non-stop debauchery for Goodwood Road’s most-famous party man Peter Van, but his days of...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s...

Local man puts on a few KGs while working from home

3 July, 2020

3 July, 2020

Part time pool cleaner and Valley View resident Al Lapanna has been working from home since COVID-19 hit (not for...

Elon Musk regrets not getting a second slab of West End from The Commercial Hotel in Jamestown

28 June, 2018

28 June, 2018

Global entrepreneur and deadset legend, Elon Musk, is still reminiscing about installing the world’s largest battery in South Australia’s far...

Disgraced Prince Sent on Retreat to Andrews Farm

19 November, 2019

19 November, 2019

In a move as ill-conceived as allowing Prince Andrew to give the BBC an interview about his relationship with disgraced...

Ardrossan jetty regulars can spot these city slickers a mile away

13 January, 2020

13 January, 2020

When Goodwood couple Kate and Darren Bovril decided they fancied a nice, peaceful day catching some crabs, they were convinced...

Man celebrates 40th birthday by agreeing with Leon Byner for the first time

12 October, 2018

12 October, 2018

Drew Ratcage has never been too bothered by the prospect of turning 40, that was until he found himself nodding...

Too old for Hindley Street but too young for Leigh Street, 28 year old just stays at home

20 August, 2018

20 August, 2018

The glory days of The Woolshed, Red Square, yiros shops and grievous bodily assaults are over for Sam Lee, 28...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: