14 April, 2026 South Australia's Other Fake News Source

Malls Balls shrink as winter arrives in Adelaide

DAN SCHMIDT

Since 1977 they have proudly been on display for all to see, but it appears winter has truly arrived in Adelaide with our pair of balls currently not being so big.

‘It has to do with the natural composition of the structure’, says ball sculpture expert Gonad Seeanbee ‘Clearly this erection isn’t all that strong at the moment, which can tend to make things shrink a bit, especially come winter’.

When asked if the sculpture will ever return to its former glory with perhaps some welding or metalwork, Gonad replied ‘That’s nuts, the only way to make the balls grow again is through tickling’.

‘I’ve tested it a couple of times on this sculpture, but unfortunately it did not respond to the pair of test tickles. We will have to wait until the summer comes back around, but then of course we have the issue with sagging’.

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