16 January, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Old mate looking for roast buffet ends up at new CBD hospital

An event that can only be described as “not newsworthy at all” (even for Adelaide Mail standards) occured in the Adelaide CBD last night.

Nearing dinnertime Mile End resident and widower, Jack Ettpertayto, decided to fire up the Google Assistant on his Samsung S3 to find a nice roast buffet.

“Okay Google, take me to Carvery”

Already foreseeing the plot holes that this story will inevitably contain, Jack purposely chose to ignore the Google description and images attached to the location, and headed towards the city.

Upon arrival at his usual dinner time of 4:45pm, Jack waltzed into Calvary Hospital with a large napkin already tucked into his shirt. Approaching the admissions desk with a big grin and holding his knife and fork vertically, Jack excitedly exclaimed to the orderly “I’m here for the meat!”

Quickly ushered to a bed for assessment, Jack was in awe of the outstanding customer service, ‘I’m all for a sit down meal, but a lay down meal is even better. The wait staff are very caring too, the only time I’ve been shown this type of concern at The Buckingham Arms was when I choked on my ninth bit of crackling’.

However, Jack was somewhat let down by his meal ‘The roast they gave me wasn’t the best, plus I couldn’t go up and ask for more. Tasted a bit like hospital food to be honest, next time I’ll probably venture out to the Elizabeth Shopping Centre food court’.

Jack will be transferred to the Lyell McEwin psychiatric ward next week.

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