3 December, 2023

REPORT: Tim Noonan really just a poor man’s Xavier Minniecon

After eighteen months of exhaustive studies, researchers are still unable to formally identify what the hell Channel Seven Weather Presenter is supposed to be exactly. With researchers from the Adelaide Research of Seven Entertainment (ARSE) Institute only able to reveal that Noonan can best be described as ‘a poor man’s Xavier Minniecon’.

Researchers also revealed that Noonan ‘does not rely on autocue or any visual aids at all, instead employing a sonar-like system to make his way around; eats mostly insects and other little critters and probably sleeps hanging upside-down in a damp cave’. Although they were unable to go any further in explaining what the heck he’s meant to be.

However, it was the study’s mention of former Channel Nine weather presenter Xavier Minniecon that raised the most conversation around the Adelaide Mail office, mostly because we’d run out of ways to compare Tim Noonan to a bat for no reason whatsoever.

He’d always be saying things like “I’m Xavier Minniecon” and “Back to you in the studio”

While Minniecon’s name sent the more senior members of the Adelaide Mail news team into a light, wistful chuckle, our group of severely underpaid Gen Z interns seemed to have no idea what the frig we were laughing about.

‘You know, Xavier Minniecon’, we would ask, before trying to remember literally anything else about the man that might jog somebody’s memory.

‘He’d always be saying things like “I’m Xavier Minniecon” and “Back to you in the studio”’, we recounted, to nothing but baffled looks from a group of Gen Zs who seemed to be in the middle of a lunch break that was absolutely not provided for in the contracts we made them sign.

After showing them a video of Xavier in a boater hat dancing to Jeepers Creepers — a jazz standard popularised in the 1938 movie Going Places — the interns were, somehow, even more confused.

They’ve since been let go and replaced with a bunch of sycophantic millennials who are equally desperate for work and laugh at all of our 1990s references. God bless South Australia’s resiliently high unemployment rate.

Related Posts

14 year old comedic genius invents the nickname “Colon Aids”

19 March, 2020

19 March, 2020

A Hackham West teenager has taken Adelaide’s southern suburbs by storm after creating a hilarious crude nickname for Colonnades shopping...

New streaming service to carry every SA TV show ever made: McLeod’s Daughters AND The Book Place

6 January, 2022

6 January, 2022

TRENT BARTLETT TV tragics are in store for a second Christmas in as many weeks with the new STOBIE™ streaming...

Gays Arcade forced to change name after experts confirm it’s more of a mall

12 July, 2019

12 July, 2019

The LGBTQIA community (Laneway, Galleria, Business, Trader, Quickie-Mart, Independent retailer, and Arcade) are rejoicing as experts have changed the name...

Christopher Pyne quits politics to spend more time doing what he loves

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In a coup for Adelaide Mail readers, outgoing Federal Defence Minister Christopher Pyne has revealed what his plans are for...

Royal Park Salvage mascot should really get that middle leg looked at

11 February, 2020

11 February, 2020

Look, we’re not going to pretend we know what Royal Park Salvage does, or even go to the effort of...

State Liberals sign sponsorship deal with Dulux in attempt to whitewash their reputation

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

With their reputation already facing questions thanks to former Liberal MP Sam ‘Wandering Hands’ Duluk, the South Australian Liberal Party...

North Adelaide Roosters announce 78 co-captains

4 February, 2019

4 February, 2019

Following suit of the State’s AFL clubs and following their key to success, excess, North Adelaide Football Club have decided to...

Power fans start pretending they always follow SANFL

20 September, 2019

20 September, 2019

With the Port Adelaide Magpies facing off against Glenelg in the SANFL Grand Final this weekend, Port Power fans will...

Vista local resigned to the fact it’s just easier to say they’re from Tea Tree Gully

29 October, 2018

29 October, 2018

‘Vista? Do you mean Para Vista?’ is the age old question that Britney Nicholls has heard time and time again...

Tea Tree Plus prepares for Christmas rush, expecting up to 27 shoppers each day

21 December, 2021

21 December, 2021

Tea Tree Plus, Modbury’s third best shopping centre, is the the lesser known and frequented sister shop of Tea Tree...

Adelaide’s Top 5 Instagram Accounts

1 June, 2021

1 June, 2021

Look, we’re too lazy and unfunny to come up with a new hilarious headline for you all today. So we...

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

11 March, 2020

11 March, 2020

TOM STEWART Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce...

Mr. Bankrupt gets 200th consecutive daily COVID test after waking up with a sore throat again

2 December, 2020

2 December, 2020

The once successful ever-failing businessman Mr. Bankrupt has once again gone to a COVID-19 testing site after waking up with...

Rotting Big Orange attracts terrifying Big Fruit Flies

26 February, 2021

26 February, 2021

One of South Australia’s most famous closed tourist attractions has been left to rot for years and is now attracting...

Theology states St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft

3 August, 2020

3 August, 2020

After minutes of research, religious scholars have uncovered that St Clair is the Patron Saint of Motor Vehicle Theft and...

Comments

Leave a Reply