23 January, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Bowden plant sale customer will definitely keep them alive this time

TRENT BARTLETT

Serial houseplant murderer Juniper Cortisol may have a track record in buying and subsequently killing all of her previous houseplants, in spite of her best intentions. And although every previous houseplant haul has ended in tragedy, she insists that this time is different.

With pallet loads of spathiphyllums and succulents used as bait to lure every South Australian female aged between 30 and 39 years old into Bowden’s Plant 3, Cortisol was one of thousands jostling to fill up her once-ironic shopping buggy with doomed leafy adornments.

I don’t know, these houseplant events have a weird Shining thing with me

‘At first I didn’t really know what I was doing there’, says Cortisol. ‘I think I was just dazzled by a Facebook ad promising Australia’s only jungle-themed houseplant party this weekend.’

‘I don’t even remember booking tickets or driving down there. I think I blacked out after seeing the ad in my feed, next thing I know I’m in Bowden shouting at a woman to let go of the peace lily. I don’t know, these houseplant events have a weird Shining thing with me…and also every other female my age’.

in Life, News
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