27 February, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Bowden plant sale customer will definitely keep them alive this time

Serial houseplant murderer Juniper Cortisol may have a track record in buying and subsequently killing all of her previous houseplants, in spite of her best intentions. And although every previous houseplant haul has ended in tragedy, she insists that this time is different.

With pallet loads of spathiphyllums and succulents used as bait to lure every South Australian female aged between 30 and 39 years old into Bowden’s Plant 3, Cortisol was one of thousands jostling to fill up her once-ironic shopping buggy with doomed leafy adornments.

I don’t know, these houseplant events have a weird Shining thing with me

‘At first I didn’t really know what I was doing there’, says Cortisol. ‘I think I was just dazzled by a Facebook ad promising Australia’s only jungle-themed houseplant party this weekend.’

‘I don’t even remember booking tickets or driving down there. I think I blacked out after seeing the ad in my feed, next thing I know I’m in Bowden shouting at a woman to let go of the peace lily. I don’t know, these houseplant events have a weird Shining thing with me…and also every other female my age’.

in Life, News
Related Posts

Business who still hasn’t added 8 to phone number probably shonky

18 October, 2019

18 October, 2019

A television and VCR repair shop on Goodwood Road in Adelaide’s inner south is staring the wind of change in...

Regional dad wears Akubra at Adelaide Airport just to flex on these city slickers

23 October, 2019

23 October, 2019

Nothing gives Bruce Jolliswagmen greater joy than getting to showcase how he comes from a regional area in the form of...

Mix 102.3 accidentally goes 15 minutes without playing Smash Mouth

13 December, 2019

13 December, 2019

In an unfortunate series of mistakes that may cost Mix 102.3 in the year’s final round of radio ratings, the...

Send help. Stuck in traffic on Copper Coast Hwy. Tell wife I love her

28 January, 2019

28 January, 2019

It’s been fourteen hours since I left the campsite at Innes National Park, we thought that we were getting a...

EXCLUSIVE: Turns out that worm from The Book Place was actually played by a giant tapeworm

10 July, 2020

10 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Here’s a nostalgia hit for kids who grew up in the 90s, remember the Bookworm? He was that...

Calm down mate, it’s Monarto, not Zimbabwe

10 January, 2019

10 January, 2019

Equipped with the most expensive DSLR and biggest telescopic lens Ted’s Cameras had in stock, Gavin Numpty of Murray Bridge...

Turns out Christies Beach sludge spill just rejected Caleb Bond articles

13 November, 2018

13 November, 2018

A break-in at the Christies Beach sewage treatment plant has seen the nearby beach closed for a stretch of 200...

Murray Bridge to build Big Savoury Slice

14 August, 2019

14 August, 2019

In an effort to boost tourism numbers and become one of those ‘random big thing’ regional towns, the rural City...

All South Australian citizens are legally entitled to a portrait of Johnny Haysman

13 August, 2018

13 August, 2018

Johnny Haysman is arguably the most loved person in South Australia, if not the world. It’s said that he owns...

Crows family members plead for exemption to leave South Australia after sons’ 2020 season

25 September, 2020

25 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Following the decision by health authorities to allow Port Power family members into SA on a special exemption...

Adelaide once again ranked as top Australian capital city alphabetically

15 June, 2018

15 June, 2018

For the 182nd year running, Adelaide has continued to shine as our nation’s top ranking capital city when ordered from A to Z.

Don Pyke keen to sign Brodie Grundy to warm the bench in SANFL

27 May, 2019

27 May, 2019

With star Collingwood ruckman Brodie Grundy out of contract at the end of 2020, Adelaide Crows coach Don Pyke is...

Valley Butchers unsure why anybody would be offended by new sign

18 September, 2019

18 September, 2019

An Adelaide butcher who was found to have breached advertising standards by displaying a sign that read ‘Non Halal Certified’...

How many of these top 10 ultimate 90’s Adelaide moments do you remember?

13 August, 2020

13 August, 2020

NOT CLICKBAIT! The top 10 90's Adelaide moments.

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

3 July, 2019

3 July, 2019

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign. ‘When...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: