1 October, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

“Never drink Coopers again? I didn’t say that.” says man who definitely said that

MATTHEW DEVITT

In an astonishing reverse of his staunch moral standing, Ascot Park man David Baker has come under scrutiny after genuinely enjoying a Coopers beer on the weekend.

Swept up in last year’s hurricane of social media outrage and unsustainable reactionary opinion, Mr Baker vowed that he would never, under any circumstances, drink Coopers beer again.

Coopers explicitly said they hate gay people and they hate gay marriage. Or at least that’s what I read on twitter anyway

But the sight of him enjoying a few cold Pale Ales quickly raised questions amongst his friends. After initially declaring that he never made the promise, he eventually admitted that he had, but ‘…y’know, that was last year’.

When asked why he made the pledge of abstinence to begin with, Mr. Baker responded: ‘Coopers explicitly said they hate gay people and they hate gay marriage. Or at least that’s what I read on twitter anyway. There was a video or something, but I didn’t bother to watch it’.

Taking a disproportionate amount of delight in his ethical backflip, Mr. Baker’s mates spent several hours recanting previous vows he’d made and quickly broken. This included his brief stint as a Straightedge, a miserable attempt at being vegetarian and a 2014 “Sober October” which was completely derailed by some after work drinks on just the 8th of the month.

‘Look, just because I publicly broadcast my moral position on something, doesn’t mean I should be forced to drink $9 pints of Super-Dry’.

Related Posts

Truckie was just holding out for cheaper fuel price

31 October, 2019

31 October, 2019

A truck driver that caused massive delays on the downtrack of the SE Freeway remains convinced that he made the...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

Local numpty goes to new Royal Adelaide Hospital just to have a look around

9 July, 2018

9 July, 2018

Despite having no current health issues, John Duffle of Windsor Gardens has made his fourth trip to the new Royal...

Dad asks if you know what Myponga smells like

7 February, 2020

7 February, 2020

A Woodville South family once again became the butt of dad’s joke yesterday evening. An hour after the family’s Mexican...

PAC old scholar furious at suggestion he went to Saints

10 September, 2018

10 September, 2018

An enraged former student of Adelaide’s prestigious Prince Alfred College has slammed suggestions that he attended the equally-esteemed St Peter’s...

The real puzzle is how nobody died

6 August, 2019

6 August, 2019

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned...

Rundle Mall buskers now allowed to expand their repertoire beyond Leonard Cohen’s ‘Hallelujah’

17 December, 2018

17 December, 2018

In a controversial move, the Adelaide City Council has agreed to a trial period where buskers can perform songs that...

Rob Lucas madly Googles ‘SA state-owned assets’ after GST writedown

17 December, 2019

17 December, 2019

A $474 million reduction in previously promised Commonwealth grants and GST revenue and has seen State Treasurer Rob Lucas resort...

OG Road shot in drive-by

20 May, 2019

20 May, 2019

Living up to its name, OG road of Klemzig has been attacked in what is believed to be a drug-fueled...

Daniel Andrews to become new face of Victoria Bitter

19 June, 2020

19 June, 2020

A HARD EARNED THIRST FOR WHAT SA HAS: “Why would you want to go there?” remarked Victorian Premier Andrews earlier...

Peter Van’s to close; Advertiser wonders how many more times it can use phrase “Party’s over”

24 January, 2020

24 January, 2020

As news emerged that Adelaide’s resident Party Man, Peter Van will be ceasing all partying come March, subeditors at satirical...

Keith Conlon announced as new drummer for I Killed The Prom Queen

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

In a bold new move by Adelaide’s metalcore kings I Killed The Prom Queen, the announcement of veteran radio broadcaster...

Adelaide Mail’s top 10 Adelaide 36ers of all time

6 May, 2020

6 May, 2020

Here we are again, another list. We’re just as happy about it as you, okay? Nobody wants to read lists...

Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre will abolish Pike Position

12 December, 2019

12 December, 2019

With the Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre HQ looking to go ahead sometime in the near future because they’re the Crows...

International musician moves back to Adelaide to start boutique counterfeit winery

20 August, 2019

20 August, 2019

Rumours have it that US singer-songwriter and previous Adelaide resident Ben Folds is heading back to South Australia for a...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: