We road test the viral ‘Barneymaxxing’ diet where we eat nothing but Barnacle Bill for one meal

TRENT BARTLETT

They say a summer body is made in winter, but a fad diet has no interest in what time of year it is, primarily because it is not in any way sentient. The very idea of a diet trend somehow gaining consciousness only to use its newfound intelligence on learning about when seasons begin and end is, frankly, ridiculous.

So, growing tired with mainstream, sustainable diets, Adelaide Mail have decided to road test a new viral diet every week until our bodies scream at us “Just have a fucking sandwich for once”.

This week we test out ’Barneymaxxing’, the radical new trend being made popular by Hollywood stars and South Australian influencers prioritising TikTok engagement over not feeling horribly full of once-frozen, deep-fried calamari rings.

What is it?
The term ‘Barneymaxxing’ is a portmanteau of the words ‘Barnacle’ and ‘Max Basheer’, the former SANFL administrator, or something, we don’t really know. People who identify as ‘Barneymaxxers’ pinpoint one meal in their life for which they will eat only food bought from the celebrated South Australian seafood restaurant, Barnacle Bill.

Esther Cromeldahide is an Adelaide-based fitness influencer, food logger and YouTube subscriber, she told Adelaide Mail that the diet has transformed her relationship with food.

“Before Barneymaxxing, I had never even tried a cardboard takeaway box filled with half soggy chips and battered prawns. Now, I can honestly say that is something I have tried once,” Cromeldahide told Adelaide Mail while recording a quickfire series of 17 disinterested-sounding voiceovers that all started with the phrase: “Come with me as I try…”

With that raving review we had to try this diet for ourselves, so we backed away from Esther who was now taking photos of herself standing in a lift so that she could overlay text that read: ‘5 Aesthetic Late Night Adelaide Eats’.

Might this be the miracle diet we’ve been waiting for since the one we reviewed last week where you eat nothing but soft cheese for three years because cheese is high in testosterone or some shit?

The verdict…
While there is not a shred of evidence that this diet will help you lose weight, or that this diet exists, we were impressed by how quickly the guy behind the counter at Barnacle Bill Marden took our order. We opted for the Crew Pack for 6-7, confusing the serving size guidance for the popular, hilarious meme number from 2025. Between the two of us, we made light work of the meal:

8 Prawns
18 Calamari
12 Spring Rolls
12 Fishettes (Hake)
6 Chickettes
Choice of 2 Medium Salads
Extra Large Chips
Tartare Sauce
Sweet Chilli Sauce
Coca-Cola 1.25L Variety

Although we couldn’t finish all of the tartare sauce.

We have never thrown up this much in our lives, which possibly led to net weight loss.

4 STARS