23 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Man calling a ‘parmi’ a ‘parma’ rightfully run out of town

Jolkeep Johnton thought that he was masking his innate Victorian-ness well, he would pronounce the word ‘graph’ with an almost comically long ‘a’ sound. He would talk about the inherent bias toward Victorian teams in the so-called AFL. He would even talk lovingly about Anne Wills.

Johnton, however, revealed his east-of-the-border hand this morning when making plans to catch up for post-work drinks with his colleagues.

‘We were just chatting this morning about grabbing some drinks after work’, says Cormack Wagyu, who works alongside Jolkeep as a strawberry handler. ‘I asked “what about dinner?” And that’s when he said that he could “go a parma”. Everything stopped. I didn’t know where to look’.

‘Our boss actually came over and asked me what the problem was, but I couldn’t say what had happened. I couldn’t let Jolkeep know that we knew’.

Unfortunately for Johnton, the workplace’s resident loudmouth idiot (now required in each office under workplace law reforms) repeated to a quickly-growing crowd exactly what the Victorian had said.

‘We don’t know if he’s a spy from over the border or if he’s just here to try and infiltrate our footy tipping competition with his insider Victorian footy knowledge. But we know that his type is not welcome’.

‘I mean, they’re the only two logical conclusions aren’t they? Why else would a Victorian leave their own state to work in South Australia? Usually their heads are literally so far up their own arse that they can’t even sit down for an expensive flat white on a tram in an alleyway’.

‘And yes, I know I used the word “literally”, that is literally my observation of Victorians from the times I’ve visited Melbourne. People walking around literally up to their necks in their own bottoms. It’s really quite a sight to behold. Anyway, we chased him out of the state to whence he came’.

‘He’s probably back in Fitzroy right now sharing his intelligence he gathered. Telling stories about mythical beaches with no junkies or backpackers anywhere in sight or about how he had already won the footy tipping from before round one’.

Related Posts

Sober Sea & Vines patron can still hear DJ Ötzi’s Hey Baby in his ears

11 June, 2019

11 June, 2019

Having committed to a well-intentioned but poorly-timed ‘month off the turps’ Alsace Lorraine found himself as designated driver for this...

“Sure, I feel bad for this whole COVID thing, but they DID steal our Grand Prix” – Premier says

27 May, 2021

27 May, 2021

Premier Steven Marshall has stopped short of apologising to his Victorian counterparts over a medi-hotel leak that has led to...

Big Red Car mag wheels stolen at Elizabeth City Centre

31 October, 2018

31 October, 2018

Disappointed children and slightly relieved parents have arrived at Elizabeth Shopping Centre to find the multi-coloured mag wheels stolen from...

Wayville Physio still recovering from closure of Mad Mouse

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

It’s been over a decade since the closure of Adelaide’s iconic roller-coaster the ‘Mad Mouse’, but the financial impacts can still...

Government shocked when video of weeping man doesn’t encourage tourists to flock to SA

22 January, 2020

22 January, 2020

A baffling marketing campaign featuring an elderly man weeping as he toured throughout South Australia’s tourism hot spots has been...

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

Man considers moving after reading local Tea Tree Gully Facebook group

19 August, 2020

19 August, 2020

Less than 48 hours after joining the local community Facebook group “WHATS GOING ON IN TEA TREE GULLY”, lifetime North-East...

Victor Harbor shops sell out of loaves of bread and sunscreen for some reason

24 November, 2018

24 November, 2018

In a bizarre, localised spike in demand not seen in over eleven months, Victor Harbor shops are quickly selling out...

“Our one mistake was not charging more for a thickshake” – 50SixOne

1 March, 2020

1 March, 2020

With the business in the hands of liquidators and its three remaining stores now closed, the owners of 50sixone have...

Glam Adelaide intern fired for only reposting Southport Beach stairs six times in a week

31 August, 2020

31 August, 2020

A social media intern at South Australia’s home of lifestyle news and filtered drone photos, Glam Adelaide, has been let...

Garden Grove erect giant windsock to capture free top soil in dust storm

19 September, 2019

19 September, 2019

Landscape supplier Garden Grove best known for their trucks smelling like manure and mistakenly being called Golden Grove Supplies have...

Christopher Pyne quits politics to spend more time doing what he loves

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In a coup for Adelaide Mail readers, outgoing Federal Defence Minister Christopher Pyne has revealed what his plans are for...

Adelaide Oval Christmas Pageant limited to only 25,000 bagpipers

22 September, 2020

22 September, 2020

A 90 percent reduction on previous years.

New SA retail forecast in: All Rundle Mall shops to shut by 2021

21 February, 2020

21 February, 2020

The latest numbers are in for South Australia’s economy, and it’s not good news for the state’s struggling retail sector....

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

13 August, 2019

13 August, 2019

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off,...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: