9 April, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Man calling a ‘parmi’ a ‘parma’ rightfully run out of town

Jolkeep Johnton thought that he was masking his innate Victorian-ness well, he would pronounce the word ‘graph’ with an almost comically long ‘a’ sound. He would talk about the inherent bias toward Victorian teams in the so-called AFL. He would even talk lovingly about Anne Wills.

Johnton, however, revealed his east-of-the-border hand this morning when making plans to catch up for post-work drinks with his colleagues.

‘We were just chatting this morning about grabbing some drinks after work’, says Cormack Wagyu, who works alongside Jolkeep as a strawberry handler. ‘I asked “what about dinner?” And that’s when he said that he could “go a parma”. Everything stopped. I didn’t know where to look’.

‘Our boss actually came over and asked me what the problem was, but I couldn’t say what had happened. I couldn’t let Jolkeep know that we knew’.

Unfortunately for Johnton, the workplace’s resident loudmouth idiot (now required in each office under workplace law reforms) repeated to a quickly-growing crowd exactly what the Victorian had said.

‘We don’t know if he’s a spy from over the border or if he’s just here to try and infiltrate our footy tipping competition with his insider Victorian footy knowledge. But we know that his type is not welcome’.

‘I mean, they’re the only two logical conclusions aren’t they? Why else would a Victorian leave their own state to work in South Australia? Usually their heads are literally so far up their own arse that they can’t even sit down for an expensive flat white on a tram in an alleyway’.

‘And yes, I know I used the word “literally”, that is literally my observation of Victorians from the times I’ve visited Melbourne. People walking around literally up to their necks in their own bottoms. It’s really quite a sight to behold. Anyway, we chased him out of the state to whence he came’.

‘He’s probably back in Fitzroy right now sharing his intelligence he gathered. Telling stories about mythical beaches with no junkies or backpackers anywhere in sight or about how he had already won the footy tipping from before round one’.

Related Posts

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

26 October, 2018

26 October, 2018

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

New digital Adelaide Metro bus arrival signs to be installed pre-broken

3 October, 2018

3 October, 2018

In an effort to increase efficiency and reduce complaints, Adelaide Metro will be installing their new digital signs at transit...

Crows fans oddly supportive of cancellation of AFL season

16 March, 2020

16 March, 2020

Crows fans are throwing their support behind the permanent cancellation of AFL matches as a precaution to the growing threat...

PAC old scholar furious at suggestion he went to Saints

10 September, 2018

10 September, 2018

An enraged former student of Adelaide’s prestigious Prince Alfred College has slammed suggestions that he attended the equally-esteemed St Peter’s...

“Reality’s hitting home” – Now my shortcut through David Jones to the car park is gone!

24 March, 2020

24 March, 2020

Everything had been fine up until this point. You know, it’s bad and all that, I’m not trivialising the seriousness...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

300-year-old gum tree to be shipped in for Burnside Village redevelopment

10 March, 2020

10 March, 2020

With demolition works underway for the latest expansion to Burnside Village, the shopping centre’s owners have revealed their latest idea...

Fewer baby girls being named ‘Elizabeth’ in South Australia compared to other states for unknown reason

30 May, 2018

30 May, 2018

Researchers for the University of Adelaide are completely baffled at the newly discovered abnormality of fewer females bearing the name...

Next election, let’s just all vote for Cosi and see what happens

24 May, 2019

24 May, 2019

With the Federal Election over and not a great deal changing, aside from increased health-care costs for the poor, many...

Phone lines jammed as 24 million Australians all ring Victor Harbor to check on Nan

17 March, 2020

17 March, 2020

TOM STEWART In what has become a serious test of the nation’s telecommunications infrastructure, 24 million phone calls were placed...

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

Adelaide Metro app update to feature better arrival time accuracy of non-existent buses

12 November, 2018

12 November, 2018

In the largest app update since the ‘randomly crashing’ feature Adelaide Metro has announced the newest app feature for commuters....

‘The Advertiser site really needs more autoplaying videos’, says idiot

7 February, 2019

7 February, 2019

Not content with the dozens of relentless display ads and ‘native’ articles masquerading as journalism, The Advertiser has employed idiot...

Old mate puts Holden badge on new Camaro

30 July, 2019

30 July, 2019

With the release of American muscle-car the Chevrolet Camaro to Australia, avid Holden fan Beau Ghan was excited to somehow get...

LEAKED: Shortlist of Port Adelaide’s other proposed new logos

15 October, 2019

15 October, 2019

Following the unveiling of Port Adelaide Football Club’s new logo commemorating the club’s 23rd year anniversary, Adelaide Mail can reveal...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: