16 January, 2022 South Australia's other fake news source

Chairman Mao’s portrait to be replaced with image of Pasquale Mastrangelo

The famous gates of Beijing’s Forbidden City are about to receive a real estate agent-inspired makeover, courtesy of Adelaide commercial real estate group Mastracorp.

With Beijing’s city council facing financial difficulties — after one councillor reportedly blew the entire annual budget on premium Fortnite add-ons — the choice was made to lease parts of Tiananmen Square and the Forbidden City as commercial real estate.

Beijing City Councillor Ling Xiu told Adelaide Mail ‘I think the people of Beijing would be happy with the change…I guess. I don’t really know. But check out my new glider. And have you seen this? My avatar now kind of looks like the dad from “Everybody Loves Raymond!”’.

The famous Mao portrait will now be replaced with the equally-famous headshot of Adelaide’s Pasquale Mastrangelo alongside a “for lease” sign after the council opted to outsource the real estate contract to the SA-based company.

The online listing describes the premises as ‘a heritage office block in the heart of Beijing, with plenty of natural light and over 72 hectares of gross lettable space

Mastrangelo declined an interview but provided the following statement:

‘Commercial real estate is not love. Commercial real estate is a hammer which we use to crush the enemy’.

Mastracorp are said to be pushing for a name change from the jarring ‘Forbidden City’ to something more commercially attractive such as ‘1 Tiananmen’.

For those interested, the online listing describes the premises as ‘a heritage office block in the heart of Beijing, with plenty of natural light and over 72 hectares of gross lettable space.

Airtight security in the form of a moat, armed guards and an 8 metre-high wall make this the perfect space for businesses attracting the ire of deranged nutbags, eg. talkback radio stations, tabloid newspapers or any TV show featuring Mark Latham’.

Adelaide Mail cannot confirm whether or not a photograph of Mastrangelo’s son, Dion will feature alongside that of his senior’s, as is tradition.

Related Posts

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas will probably settle for Parabanks gig again

26 October, 2018

26 October, 2018

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Oh no! Someone confused “Emo Park” with “Emu Park”, let a bunch of emus loose and now it’s even worse

3 December, 2021

3 December, 2021

Adelaide’s most depressing piece of parkland has seen more mayhem than usual today, with an unexpected yet understandable mix-up resulting...

After stealing our Grand Prix, Melbourne now steals our idea of cancelling a motor race

6 July, 2021

6 July, 2021

After stealing the Formula 1 Grand Prix from Adelaide in 1996, Melbourne has once again stolen a South Australian motorsport...

Despite their name, these things are pretty shithouse at jumps

12 March, 2020

12 March, 2020

Adelaide city has been flooded with hundreds of bright red e-bikes over the past week as Uber “Jump” launched a...

Crows family members plead for exemption to leave South Australia after sons’ 2020 season

25 September, 2020

25 September, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Following the decision by health authorities to allow Port Power family members into SA on a special exemption...

Dad unnecessarily angry about how safe St. Kilda Playground is these days

11 June, 2020

11 June, 2020

Tired of enclosed trampolines, anti-bullying campaigns and gluten intolerances, distant father of six Darren Dedbeit decided to take the kids...

The real puzzle is how nobody died

6 August, 2019

6 August, 2019

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned...

Sign at Ingle Farm Shopping Centre explains a lot about North Eastern suburbs fashion

6 February, 2020

6 February, 2020

A sign proclaiming Ingle Farm Shopping Centre to be ‘your local place for fashion’ has been found to offer an...

Adelaide Metro app update to feature better arrival time accuracy of non-existent buses

12 November, 2018

12 November, 2018

In the largest app update since the ‘randomly crashing’ feature Adelaide Metro has announced the newest app feature for commuters....

Tinder date downgraded to Hawker’s Corner after iffy message

24 June, 2019

24 June, 2019

A looming Tinder date has had its venue downgraded to West Terrace food court Hawker’s Corner following a questionable opinion...

Due to COVID-19 restrictions, Christmas Pageant postponed until at least September

16 June, 2020

16 June, 2020

It gets earlier every year, unless it doesn't.

Lost child at WOMADelaide probably better off to be honest

6 March, 2020

6 March, 2020

As South Australia’s leading world-music and body-odour festival goes on this weekend, a six year old child has been found...

Valley Butchers unsure why anybody would be offended by new sign

18 September, 2019

18 September, 2019

An Adelaide butcher who was found to have breached advertising standards by displaying a sign that read ‘Non Halal Certified’...

State govt regrets choosing papier-mâché option for Darlington upgrade

9 May, 2019

9 May, 2019

With large swathes of load-bearing wall crumbling from the Darlington upgrade of South Road over the last week, questions have...

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: