Port Adelaide Council sets Birkenhead Bridge to HARD MODE for the day

TRENT BARTLETT

The Birkenhead Bridge’s difficulty level has been reset to a difficulty level of ‘novice’ following complaints from a bunch of noobs who probably need to go back and drive in single-player for another five years before coming out here and ruining it for everyone.

The bridge had spent the better part of Sunday morning in HARD MODE after a champion Birkenhead Bridging team lobbied the council for a change after they’d noticed that they could drive over the bridge without ploughing into Port River almost every time.

“The Phoebe Bridgers’ Bridgers, Bridgers and Bridgers Bridging program” is the collective team of people who play the card game ‘Bridge’, competitively drive over bridges and work as engineers in bridge-building projects while completing a bridging course to attend university without a SACE certificate and share a common love for the understated indie-folk singer Phoebe Bridgers. 

‘It’s a pretty niche group, there’s only about 160,000 of us in Adelaide’, Franklin Killbot from The Phoebe Bridgers’ Bridgers, Bridgers and Bridgers Bridging program told Adelaide Mail while listening to some very depressing sounding music  

‘This whole thing started back in August when I was driving over the Birkenhead on my way back from Pedler Creek and I noticed that I barely ever veered off the edge of the bridge anymore. I started to get bored with it and you want to keep being challenged, right?

‘That’s when I called my local MP and explained the situation and asked if they could open the bridge up, even just a little bit so that, you know, I can keep skilling up. He said absolutely not and that I was wasting his time and that he had to get back to telling people that “the Port is just about to really take off”.

‘So I got in contact with the Infrastructure Minister and ran him through the idea and he said he’d love to, but he’s busy opening up parts of the new South Road in fifteen metre increments.

‘So I got in contact with a member of the local council and he was like “yeah, I don’t even know what else I’m supposed to be doing, tbh”.’

146 fatal accidents were recorded before the bridge was back to ‘novice’. 

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