8 August, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Oakbank Racing Club releases At-Home Horse Euthanasia Kit for those missing the Easter carnival

DAN SCHMIDT

Organisers of the annual Oakbank Easter Carnival are looking at novel ways to give punters a way to enjoy all of the best bits of the carnival without flouting the rules of self-isolation.

Punters who typically enjoy the southern hemisphere’s second largest BYO-meat sausage sizzle racing carnival located in a semi-rural hillside setting are champing at the bit to see a return of the entertainment that the jumping horsies would provide.

It’s like going to Clipsal. Do you think that people go and watch cars race around a track to see precision driving? No! People go on the odd chance that they might see a god-awful crash on the final turn

‘Numbers have been down in recent times,’ says Oakbank’s Chief RSPCA-Ignorer Randolph von Höfle-Snack. ‘It’s tough, we haven’t had one go down since 2017. This is the drought that real Australia’s facing.’

‘It’s like going to Clipsal. Do you think that people go and watch cars race around a track to see precision driving? No! People go on the odd chance that they might see a god-awful crash on the final turn.’

Thankfully, would-be Oakbank punters will be able to re-create the Easter carnival in their own backyards this year with the release of the club’s Official At-Home Horse Euthanasia Kit.

‘Yeah, so the kit contains your steeplechase jump, trademark blue tarps, horse-sized needle and syringe and a mystery barbiturate…you have to supply your own horsie though, we’re not monsters.’

However, despite the new kit being made available exclusively through the club’s website, Höfle-Snack says that the death of horses for the entertainment of people is ‘the last thing we want to see.’

Tags: in News, Sport
Related Posts

Victor Harbor shops sell out of loaves of bread and sunscreen for some reason

24 November, 2018

24 November, 2018

In a bizarre, localised spike in demand not seen in over eleven months, Victor Harbor shops are quickly selling out...

Tinder date downgraded to Hawker’s Corner after iffy message

24 June, 2019

24 June, 2019

A looming Tinder date has had its venue downgraded to West Terrace food court Hawker’s Corner following a questionable opinion...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

Neo-nazis get wires crossed, end up at St Kilda Adventure Playground

6 January, 2019

6 January, 2019

When Salisbury’s resident neo-nazis Morgan Dolkhatch and Barry “Knuckles” Mudflap found out about an upcoming rally of right wing extremists...

Karen no longer knows how to threaten local businesses without Today Tonight

27 November, 2019

27 November, 2019

LET ME SPEAK TO THE MANAGER!: This morning as Clarence Gardens facebook-mum of two Karen Decrows, 43, set off for...

Exposé: Balfours caught using caged footballs for pies

4 September, 2018

4 September, 2018

In a shocking discovery by Adelaide Mail undercover journalists, it has come to light that Balfours is keeping the footballs...

Annoying guy in office being sent to Victoria on ‘Special Assignment’ at 3:20 Tuesday

22 March, 2020

22 March, 2020

Following this morning’s ‘emergency meeting’ of the Management, Leadership and Everybody Except Jason Team, the office’s most annoying staff, Jason,...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

Parents, is your teen texting about Adelaide’s North-Eastern suburbs?

21 January, 2019

21 January, 2019

Is your teenage son or daughter always on their phone? The kids these days with their MSN Messenger and MySpace...

Surely selecting VICTORIA Park as a testing location was a deliberate low-key diss

5 August, 2020

5 August, 2020

Our state’s newest COVID-19 drive through testing station opened in Adelaide’s Victoria Park this morning, resulting in car queues of...

CBD skateboarders disappointed at lack of actual ramp outside RAH

9 November, 2018

9 November, 2018

Dozens of skateboarders gathered outside the Royal Adelaide Hospital Emergency Department yesterday as news spread about a new ramp near...

OTR’s solution to unhappy customers: Get rid of the angry man button

3 December, 2019

3 December, 2019

Having grown annoyed at the constant stream of customers pushing the ‘angry’ button upon exit, OTR has moved to eliminate...

Haggle guy reckons he could still get a Caffe Primo meal for $9.90

5 July, 2019

5 July, 2019

Despite not having a $9.90 menu or the iconic South Australian television commercial for several years, there is one person...

‘What’s Sydney got that Adelaide doesn’t?’ says man who can’t find job

15 July, 2019

15 July, 2019

Unemployed volleyball salesman and indiscriminately parochial South Australian Conrad Junkles is often leaping to the defence of his home state....

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: