29 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

11 Adelaide Things From the 90’s You’ll Only Remember If You’re Between 21 and 140 Years Old!

MATTHEW DEVITT

1990: Dazzleland doesn’t open yet

“Hey kids! As you all know, it’s late 1989! How would you like to go to the funnest, most exciting new amusement park in Adelaide, packed full of rides, video games, delicious food, and even an indoor rollercoaster!?”

*kids voices* “Yaaaaaaaaaaay!”

“Well tough shit!”

Yes, that was the conversation happening all over the state, as the Myer Center underwent a series of construction delays that pushed the opening of Dazzleland back to 1992.

But despite all of the anticipation, it went on to become Adelaide’s rooftop excitement capital!

…for a bit. Now it’s mostly empty and I think there’s a Lincraft up there for Christ sakes.

1991: The Crows Inaugural (first) AFL game!

Now we know what you’re thinking, “Holy shit, was that really 30 years ago already!?” And despite your crass language, you’re absolutely right!

On this day in 1991, the Toyota Adelaide Camry Crows took to the field against one of the AFL’s most powerful teams – the Hawthorn Lube Mobile Hawks!

All of the SA greats were there: Randall “Boney” Bone, Clayton “Clayton” Lamb, Paul “Balls to the Wall” Rouvray, and Peter “King Rooter” Turner – and let’s not forget Grant “Sticky Dick” Tanner and some of the other ones as well.

Under the strong leadership of a then 47-year-old Chris McGuinness, the Crows came out with all guns blazing and emerged with a historic 87-goal victory – still one of the most unbelievable results in AFL history.

1992: The State Bank accidentally forgets how money works, LOL

Waddaya mean the bank’s out of money!?”

“Insolvent!!?”

“You only have enough cash for the next three customers!?”

These were the common cries heard in State Bank branches all over South Australia, as Premier John Bannon abruptly announced he was closing the bank to take a much-needed gap year backpacking around Europe. He never did come back, and we wish him all the very best.

1993: Cunningham’s Warehouse replace the “$2 guy” with a different one that looks vaguely similar and then act like none of us are going to fucking notice

You’re not fooling anyone, Cunnos.

Long before that annoying lady from Designer Direct or those epilepsy-inducing Mr. Bankrupt adverts, the $2 guy from Cunningham’s Warehouse was Adelaide’s undisputed budget king.

The man had it all: a goatee, a silver ponytail, and two of the most famous fingers to ever grace our silver screens. Whether you needed reading glasses with a questionable prescription, some low-grade Tiffany hair dye, or one of those exercise machines where you stick the electric patches to your stomach for some reason, this man had it all.

Sadly, drunk on the smell of their own success but nevertheless keeping with their company ethos, Cunno’s abruptly replaced the $2 guy with a familiar but poor-quality substitute. Whatever.

1994: Dad sells our VL commodore

Bloody hell she was a great car. What a fucking knob.

1995: The filthy Victorians steal our Grand Prix or whatever

German F1 driver Gerhard Berger unsuccessfully attempts a shortcut via the O-Bahn

Dating all the way back to 1896, the Adelaide Grand Prix was one of the oldest and most popular F1 races in the Southern Hemisphere.

Every year, more than 10 million South Australians would flock to the Adelaide street circuit, which stretched between The Plaster Funhouse on North East Road and the Greenacres Shops, also on North East Road.

But jealous of our success, those degenerate Victorians hatched a diabolical plan to steal our precious race away from us – successfully submitting the paperwork by the due date on the exact weekend they knew all-too-well that we had our brother’s wedding and it was going to be a really big one.

1996: Oily John Slimes His Way Into the top banana’s chair

Hot on the heels of crushing defeats in 1985 and 1989, Labor’s Stalin-esque “Don’t let Dean Brown bring South Australia down!” television campaign and accompanying t-shirt finally put John Olsen’s greasy arse firmly on the iron-ore throne.

Mr. Olsen’s reign of terror commenced shortly thereafter by privatising SA Water – which is why drinking water is now only available from “On The Run” service stations in 275ml bottles for the low-low everyday price of 3 for $17.95.

He also sold ETSA in exchange for the V8 Supercars event, arguing that affordable electricity was no substitute for “a cuttla sick doweeeeeeeeeeeeees!” (paraphrased)

Thankfully, Oily John’s time as premier came to an abrupt end in 2001 when he was found to have lied to parliament about the quality of Motorola mobile phones, or at least that’s what we inferred from Wikipedia.

1997: Keith Martyn celebrates the 12th anniversary of his 1985 almanac

Whether you’re talking about Back to the Future 2 or Adelaide’s self-proclaimed “Hemingway of Hectopascals” (Keith Martyn) I think we can all agree that almanacs have had a significant impact on our lives.

Chock-a-block full of fascinating tidbits ranging from rainfall measurements to rainfall estimates, Keith Martyn’s 1985 almanac was a must-have for caravaning retired mechanical engineers everywhere.

Famous for his sense of humour and wacky personality, “Old mate Keefy” (as he likes to be called) celebrated the 12th anniversary in style – with a live TV spot on AM Adelaide where he stood motionless with the almanac for 7 straight minutes (pictured above).

1998: Chubby Checker plays fly-half for the Adelaide Rams for some reason

After waking up hungover and remembering he’d accidentally bought a rugby team from a bloke at the pub, SA Premier John Olsen desperately cobbled together some top-tier talent to make the Adelaide Rams the kings of the newly crowned Rugby Super League.

And, like all good premiers directly involved in state sporting leagues, Olson reached out to the one man who could dominate both the footý field and the (1960) pop charts – Chubby Checker!

Sadly, despite having already paid for the guernseys, the Rams lasted only one electrifying season and had to shut down when someone lost the key to the changerooms and also nobody ever went to the games.

Do you think Chubby Checker had a successful rugby career? Leave your thoughts in the comments below.

1999: Adelaide comes down with a severe case of Rhett Biglands-itis!

If you have a bad case of Biglands fever, there’s only one cure – footy!

Following a string of exciting yet unsuccessful seasons in the late 90’s, the Adelaide crows were in desperate need of some tall-timber – preferably someone with an unusually muscular face.

An as the old saying goes, “When the Adelaide Camry Crows come a-knockin’ – it’s time for Rhett Biglands to get a-rockin’!”

After a dynamic debut, Biglands went on to have many successful reconstructive surgeries and now is an ex-footy player that gets paid actual money to talk on Triple M.

AND A SPECIAL BONUS MEMORY!!!: The St. Kilda Adventure Playground!

Fuck that slide looks hot.
in Life, News
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