6 June, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s newest bar “Sister’s Soul”.

Since opening three weeks ago in an old bubble tea premises just off Hindley Street, Sister’s Soul has not had one single customer, despite a huge marketing campaign and even offering local Instagram influencers free drinks for every post.

‘We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong’, explained bar owner Monica Tippledipple ‘we’ve got the best fit-out, play the best music and serve the cheapest drinks in the CBD, but nobody is coming through the door’.

For answers, Adelaide Mail consulted South Australia’s leading small-bar economist and Centrelink recipient, Harry Linetrimmer, who after a moderate consultancy fee stated ‘The Adelaide local bar and club economy is driven entirely by Insta-baes. Now, the thing with these basic girls is they could not possibly use their own initiative and think for themselves to find a new bar, they have to see their friends with more followers there first. So with Sister’s Soul not having a garish indoor neon sign like every other Adelaide bar, they’re missing out on an opportunity for women aged 18-30 to pose and post to their timeline, which ultimately attracts other Insta-baes to follow suit. Have you seen the line up at Cry Baby? That’s clearly not for the high-end environment, it’s to get a selfie with the sign’.

We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong

Linetrimmer continued ‘an Adelaide bar in 2019 will simply not draw customers without a neon sign. It provides the perfect contrasting lighting for a less than stunning wannabe influencer using the slim-face feature to pose next to, plus neon signs look amazing with the Mayfair filter. Adelaide basic girls are attracted to neon lights like moths are attracted to…well, neon lights.’

Upon providing this news back to Sister’s Soul owners, they stated ‘Well most of our budget has already been blown, but we’ll chuck a couple of bug zappers up and see what happens. Our best hope for new customers now is that there’s a fight between some homeless guys out the front and ShitAdelaide posts it to their page, that’s the kind of exposure we’d really love’.

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