7 February, 2023

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s newest bar “Sister’s Soul”.

Since opening three weeks ago in an old bubble tea premises just off Hindley Street, Sister’s Soul has not had one single customer, despite a huge marketing campaign and even offering local Instagram influencers free drinks for every post.

‘We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong’, explained bar owner Monica Tippledipple ‘we’ve got the best fit-out, play the best music and serve the cheapest drinks in the CBD, but nobody is coming through the door’.

For answers, Adelaide Mail consulted South Australia’s leading small-bar economist and Centrelink recipient, Harry Linetrimmer, who after a moderate consultancy fee stated ‘The Adelaide local bar and club economy is driven entirely by Insta-baes. Now, the thing with these basic girls is they could not possibly use their own initiative and think for themselves to find a new bar, they have to see their friends with more followers there first. So with Sister’s Soul not having a garish indoor neon sign like every other Adelaide bar, they’re missing out on an opportunity for women aged 18-30 to pose and post to their timeline, which ultimately attracts other Insta-baes to follow suit. Have you seen the line up at Cry Baby? That’s clearly not for the high-end environment, it’s to get a selfie with the sign’.

We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong

Linetrimmer continued ‘an Adelaide bar in 2019 will simply not draw customers without a neon sign. It provides the perfect contrasting lighting for a less than stunning wannabe influencer using the slim-face feature to pose next to, plus neon signs look amazing with the Mayfair filter. Adelaide basic girls are attracted to neon lights like moths are attracted to…well, neon lights.’

Upon providing this news back to Sister’s Soul owners, they stated ‘Well most of our budget has already been blown, but we’ll chuck a couple of bug zappers up and see what happens. Our best hope for new customers now is that there’s a fight between some homeless guys out the front and ShitAdelaide posts it to their page, that’s the kind of exposure we’d really love’.

Related Posts

‘Fool me 47 times, shame on you’ say Crows as they draft new Victorian

28 November, 2019

28 November, 2019

Adelaide Football Club’s recruitment team are all smiles this morning, emerging from the first leg of the 2019 AFL Draft...

Premier’s speech writer now being paid on a Cost-Per-“Flex Up”-Mention basis

5 January, 2022

5 January, 2022

TRENT BARTLETT In a bid to cut costs during South Australia’s post-Freedom Day celebrations, Premier Steven Marshall has moved a...

Noel’s Caravans jingle tops SA reggae charts for 728th consecutive week

19 October, 2018

19 October, 2018

For over a decade the laid back calypso beats and offbeat feeling of the Noel’s Caravans jingle has been so...

“I’m not into drama” says woman subscribed to 27 Tea Tree Gully Facebook Groups

25 February, 2022

25 February, 2022

Anne Steze-Hill proudly proclaims she is not one for drama, however her dependence on local neighbourhood facebook group discussion may...

“OK, who had ‘obviously fake number plates’ this week?” asks traffic officer in charge of office sweep

11 February, 2021

11 February, 2021

Images: SA Police DAVID KNIGHT A lucky SAPOL officer has scooped the pool at the weekly office sweep after correctly...

90% of new Mortal Kombat movie just CCTV footage from Hindley Street

16 May, 2019

16 May, 2019

Adelaide is set to become a key piece of cinematic history, with the long-awaited follow-up to 1995’s Mortal Kombat to...

Victor Harbor shops sell out of loaves of bread and sunscreen for some reason

24 November, 2018

24 November, 2018

In a bizarre, localised spike in demand not seen in over eleven months, Victor Harbor shops are quickly selling out...

2003 Seaford High graduate wears Year 12 jumper to commemorate the year he peaked

8 June, 2018

8 June, 2018

As he once again donned the faded maroon sweatshirt for a trip to the shops, Ryan Govern, 33, reminisced about...

Ceduna resident extremely angry about Adelaide Park Lands development

9 April, 2019

9 April, 2019

Murat Thevenard of Ceduna is your average consumer of South Australia’s satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, he gets it delivered to...

Mix 102.3 accidentally goes 15 minutes without playing Smash Mouth

13 December, 2019

13 December, 2019

In an unfortunate series of mistakes that may cost Mix 102.3 in the year’s final round of radio ratings, the...

Rundle Mall spruiker seamlessly weaves passing chat into sales pitch

10 September, 2019

10 September, 2019

Rundle Mall spruiker Frank Ratta has once again shown why he was awarded ‘SA’s Most Tolerated Spruiker’ eleven years running....

Guy’s life definitely peaked in Year 5 when Deane Hutton picked him to help

16 April, 2020

16 April, 2020

Over twenty years years ago at Pennington Primary, the entire school had gathered to witness the grandest honour that could...

Advertiser censors front page advertisement

21 October, 2019

21 October, 2019

Putting up a united front against secrecy and journalistic censorship, South Australia’s leading satirical news service has joined multiple papers...

Even 1079 Life FM hosts cringe at some of the Christian songs they have to play

6 March, 2022

6 March, 2022

Adelaide’s family friendly easy-listening radio station has long been known for the playing the latest inoffensive pop tunes, subtle messaging,...

Stirling celebrates record low crime, waste, and vaccination rates

12 December, 2018

12 December, 2018

The Adelaide Hills town of Stirling is celebrating at the end of this year, with statistics showing a trifecta of...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: