6 October, 2022

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s newest bar “Sister’s Soul”.

Since opening three weeks ago in an old bubble tea premises just off Hindley Street, Sister’s Soul has not had one single customer, despite a huge marketing campaign and even offering local Instagram influencers free drinks for every post.

‘We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong’, explained bar owner Monica Tippledipple ‘we’ve got the best fit-out, play the best music and serve the cheapest drinks in the CBD, but nobody is coming through the door’.

For answers, Adelaide Mail consulted South Australia’s leading small-bar economist and Centrelink recipient, Harry Linetrimmer, who after a moderate consultancy fee stated ‘The Adelaide local bar and club economy is driven entirely by Insta-baes. Now, the thing with these basic girls is they could not possibly use their own initiative and think for themselves to find a new bar, they have to see their friends with more followers there first. So with Sister’s Soul not having a garish indoor neon sign like every other Adelaide bar, they’re missing out on an opportunity for women aged 18-30 to pose and post to their timeline, which ultimately attracts other Insta-baes to follow suit. Have you seen the line up at Cry Baby? That’s clearly not for the high-end environment, it’s to get a selfie with the sign’.

We can’t understand what we’re doing wrong

Linetrimmer continued ‘an Adelaide bar in 2019 will simply not draw customers without a neon sign. It provides the perfect contrasting lighting for a less than stunning wannabe influencer using the slim-face feature to pose next to, plus neon signs look amazing with the Mayfair filter. Adelaide basic girls are attracted to neon lights like moths are attracted to…well, neon lights.’

Upon providing this news back to Sister’s Soul owners, they stated ‘Well most of our budget has already been blown, but we’ll chuck a couple of bug zappers up and see what happens. Our best hope for new customers now is that there’s a fight between some homeless guys out the front and ShitAdelaide posts it to their page, that’s the kind of exposure we’d really love’.

Related Posts

Nobody asking ‘why no Adelaide?’ about this band’s tour for some reason

13 February, 2019

13 February, 2019

Dozens of international bands tour Australia each year, with many of them bypassing South Australia’s capital in favour of its...

Tea Tree Plus prepares for Christmas rush, expecting up to 27 shoppers each day

21 December, 2021

21 December, 2021

Tea Tree Plus, Modbury’s third best shopping centre, is the the lesser known and frequented sister shop of Tea Tree...

“Nah, that doesn’t mean me” says guy with 8 cars behind him near Gumeracha

3 May, 2022

3 May, 2022 1

Moe Trist, like many Adelaide residents, loves a nice relaxing drive through the Adelaide Hills. Often heading up into the...

AFP raids Adelaide Mail offices only to find Xavier Minniecon

5 June, 2019

5 June, 2019

One year after publishing a damning exposé on the existence of the fictional suburb Kingswood, Australian Federal Police officers have...

Protesters storm Tea Tree Plaza Caffe Primo demanding return of $9.90 meals

8 January, 2021

8 January, 2021

Thousands of South Australian patriots have shown up at Caffe Primo to demand the return of the $9.90 meal special,...

Courteous paperboy throws Messenger right next to recycle bin

13 September, 2018

13 September, 2018

Loading up the milkcrate strapped to the front of his BMX each Wednesday after school, Jackson DeGoris prepares for his...

All 17 South Australian rugby fans very excited

4 November, 2020

4 November, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT Ahead of tonight’s opening State of Origin (it’s for some sport called rugby, we checked) game tonight, the...

Local tweaker very disappointed with “OG Speed Shop”

29 July, 2020

29 July, 2020

Local jaw-clenching and awake enthusiast, Aymon DeGear has voiced his disappointment with a Klemzig service station, claiming they are falsely...

“Yeah that counts as a bath” says dad who has clearly given up for the year

22 December, 2019

22 December, 2019

In what was initially meant to just be letting the kids “dip their feet in” the water play area of...

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert...

Fringe ends, Arj Barker once again cryogenically frozen for 11 months

23 March, 2022

23 March, 2022

After another successful Adelaide Fringe Festival for our FIFO comedians, many ore once again returning to their cryogenic freezers until...

Residents of Shithöle angered at being compared to Adelaide

25 September, 2019

25 September, 2019

The small village of Shithöle lies somewhere along the Eastern European poverty belt’s poverty belt, near the disputed border of...

99.98% of all SA servo robberies perpetrated by the servo

12 March, 2019

12 March, 2019

South Australia has the highest service station robbery rates in the nation. However, largely due to our Peregrine overlords, it...

Suburb of Manningham will be renamed Beingham to remove gender bias

3 February, 2021

3 February, 2021

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD?: The small inner-north Adelaide suburb of Manningham will undergo a name change after much council debate...

Hills Hoist and Cask Wine sales data significantly correlated for some unknown reason

27 August, 2018

27 August, 2018

Statisticians and data analysts have been left completely baffled at the strongly correlated sales data of two South Australian icons....

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: