9 April, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off, at least until you can convince us that you’re capable of stuffing up a submarine to the scale that we are’.

With an operating status that flicks between ‘partially submergible’ and ‘somehow currently both underwater AND on fire’, the ongoing maintenance of the subs contributes to over sixty per cent of the 2017-18 South Australian gross state product.*

The size of the contract has got Western Australia licking its lips.

Its proverbial lips, not their actual lips. Organising an entire state’s population to simultaneously lick their lips would be a logistical nightmare and rather pointless. Not to mention the sound, which would be gross.

Furthermore, the collective time spent by 2.6 million people halting work to actually lick their lips in unison (albeit briefly) is projected to cause a total productivity loss of over one billion dollars. Ironically, an amount far greater than Western Australia’s economy would stand to gain by winning the sub maintenance contracts.

The only way to circumvent the greater productivity loss would be to somehow integrate the lip-licking into the process of submarine maintenance.

Perhaps by replacing the submarines’ antiquated diesel engines with turbines powered entirely by the sound of people licking their lips in anticipation could the state counter the negative economic effects. Although scientists have labelled the idea as ‘dumb’ and ‘impossible’.

The Western Australian government would be better served employing all those people to do jobs actually required in submarine maintenance. Dividing up all the required roles between the population. For example, a job formerly performed by a handful of diesel mechanics could instead be performed by hundreds of thousands of Western Australians. Everyone from accountants to pastry chefs banding together to try and work out where to put the oil in a submarine’s diesel engine. Massively lowering productivity and leading to engines running with no oil whatsoever. A collaborative, defence contract utopia.

Of course, with an entire state’s population now working in some capacity at the submarine maintenance facility, essential services like ambulance driving or Big W door greeter would need to be outsourced interstate. It was a bad idea from the start.

*SA gross state product is on track for a record financial year, with the state now set to have enough equity for either a second investment property or a one-third share in a fast food franchise.

Related Posts

SA Govt to start shifting truckloads of ‘Whinging Semaphore residents’

9 September, 2019

9 September, 2019

Following weeks of protests, debates and back-and-forth, the state government has finally arrived at a solution that will see their...

Victor Harbor opens new Youth Centre for local adolescents aged 55-70

9 July, 2018

9 July, 2018

In an attempt at engaging the region’s younger demographic, Victor Harbor has launched a hip new hangout for residents born...

Adelaide Uni law student disappoints family of doctors

24 April, 2019

24 April, 2019

Sometimes having the best opportunities in life does not necessarily lead to fulfilling every expectation. Few things illuminate this concept...

Bloke who spent $900 on Home Lottery tickets very satisfied with his $75 Heatworks gift card

28 September, 2018

28 September, 2018

Troy Simons of Rosewater, lives by the old adage ‘you gotta’ be in it to win it’, and ‘win it’...

New “Farmers Onion” Iced Coffee flavour only popular with one man

29 October, 2019

29 October, 2019

In a bold new move by South Australia’s highest selling beverage company, the new Farmer’s Union, “Farmer’s Onion” Iced Coffee...

Para Hills resident claims she’s from the Adelaide Hills

14 February, 2019

14 February, 2019

Seeking to up her social status and property value, Brittney Mounts of Para Hills has decided that her suburb counts...

Local pisshead really enjoying this ‘Dry July’ so far

3 July, 2019

3 July, 2019

Regency Park resident and drunkard Al Koholic has had a fantastic, albeit technically wrong, start to the popular ‘Dry July’ campaign. ‘When...

Cyberbullying teens never okay…unless it’s Caleb Bond and it’s really funny

18 March, 2019

18 March, 2019

Cyberbullying is a cowardly act, which can be particularly harmful when aimed at teens. However, in the wake of anti-bullying...

Spike in northern suburbs weddings ahead of Bali extramarital sex ban

22 September, 2019

22 September, 2019

The looming introduction of a new Indonesian law prohibiting extramarital sex and unmarried couples living together has seen a huge...

Aspiring Magic Cave Father Christmas settles for Parabanks gig again

1 December, 2019

1 December, 2019

For professional shopping centre Father Christmas Claude St Velcro, it’s become a case of take what you can get. Every...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

We rank Adelaide’s top (and only) 3 working digital Adelaide Metro signs

18 November, 2019

18 November, 2019

What was meant to be Adelaide Mail’s first barely readable, every item on a different page, advertisement clogged ‘Top 10 List’, has...

“Should have seen it coming” – Mr Bankrupt on his business’s bankruptcy

2 November, 2018

2 November, 2018

The saying goes that hindsight is twenty-twenty, and that rings true for nobody more than former Adelaide business tycoon Mr...

Rob Lucas thanks Tammy from MyBudget for her assistance this week

5 September, 2018

5 September, 2018

Preparing his first budget in over 17 years, Treasurer Lucas wasn’t really sure where to start. ‘Yeah, it was a...

Mall’s Balls beginning to sag with age

6 August, 2018

6 August, 2018

Since 1977 they have proudly been on display for all to see, but it appears time is catching up the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: