30 July, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off, at least until you can convince us that you’re capable of stuffing up a submarine to the scale that we are’.

With an operating status that flicks between ‘partially submergible’ and ‘somehow currently both underwater AND on fire’, the ongoing maintenance of the subs contributes to over sixty per cent of the 2017-18 South Australian gross state product.*

The size of the contract has got Western Australia licking its lips.

Its proverbial lips, not their actual lips. Organising an entire state’s population to simultaneously lick their lips would be a logistical nightmare and rather pointless. Not to mention the sound, which would be gross.

Furthermore, the collective time spent by 2.6 million people halting work to actually lick their lips in unison (albeit briefly) is projected to cause a total productivity loss of over one billion dollars. Ironically, an amount far greater than Western Australia’s economy would stand to gain by winning the sub maintenance contracts.

The only way to circumvent the greater productivity loss would be to somehow integrate the lip-licking into the process of submarine maintenance.

Perhaps by replacing the submarines’ antiquated diesel engines with turbines powered entirely by the sound of people licking their lips in anticipation could the state counter the negative economic effects. Although scientists have labelled the idea as ‘dumb’ and ‘impossible’.

The Western Australian government would be better served employing all those people to do jobs actually required in submarine maintenance. Dividing up all the required roles between the population. For example, a job formerly performed by a handful of diesel mechanics could instead be performed by hundreds of thousands of Western Australians. Everyone from accountants to pastry chefs banding together to try and work out where to put the oil in a submarine’s diesel engine. Massively lowering productivity and leading to engines running with no oil whatsoever. A collaborative, defence contract utopia.

Of course, with an entire state’s population now working in some capacity at the submarine maintenance facility, essential services like ambulance driving or Big W door greeter would need to be outsourced interstate. It was a bad idea from the start.

*SA gross state product is on track for a record financial year, with the state now set to have enough equity for either a second investment property or a one-third share in a fast food franchise.

Related Posts

‘AFL players will struggle to pay for second story on Queensland holiday homes’ – Brad Crouch

27 March, 2020

27 March, 2020 1

Star Adelaide Crow player Brad Crouch has told Adelaide Mail that some players would ‘struggle to pay for their second...

Prison Bar design actually based on smiles of Port Adelaide fans

28 September, 2020

28 September, 2020

As the battle between Port Adelaide and Collingwood around who owns vertical monochrome stripes continues, football historians have discovered that...

Old mate looking for roast buffet ends up at new CBD hospital

30 January, 2020

30 January, 2020

An event that can only be described as “not newsworthy at all” (even for Adelaide Mail standards) occured in the...

Subscribe to Adelaide Mail for a free set of headphones

25 June, 2019

25 June, 2019

With the state’s largest satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, currently attempting to lure the fellow kids into subscribing to their state...

Zoran Matic, Damian Mori & Alex Tobin assemble crack team to lure Messi to Adelaide City

26 August, 2020

26 August, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT With Lionel Messi announcing his intention to leave Barcelona immediately, the world’s premiere football clubs have already thrown...

Crows fans oddly supportive of cancellation of AFL season

16 March, 2020

16 March, 2020

Crows fans are throwing their support behind the permanent cancellation of AFL matches as a precaution to the growing threat...

Rotting Big Orange attracts terrifying Big Fruit Flies

26 February, 2021

26 February, 2021

One of South Australia’s most famous closed tourist attractions has been left to rot for years and is now attracting...

Turns out Christies Beach sludge spill just rejected Caleb Bond articles

13 November, 2018

13 November, 2018

A break-in at the Christies Beach sewage treatment plant has seen the nearby beach closed for a stretch of 200...

Empty Port Adelaide shed makes way for empty apartment building

18 April, 2019

18 April, 2019

The State Government has stepped into the ring in a fight over a historic shed in Port Adelaide, overruling a...

COMPROMISE FOUND: SA Govt to install new tram that ONLY turns right

20 November, 2018

20 November, 2018

After months of deliberation, studies and costings, Transport Minister Stephan Knoll announced on Sunday that the right-hand turn for trams...

All 17 South Australian rugby fans very excited

4 November, 2020

4 November, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT Ahead of tonight’s opening State of Origin (it’s for some sport called rugby, we checked) game tonight, the...

Maslin Beach declared as exposure site (but has nothing to do with COVID-19)

21 July, 2021

21 July, 2021

With the list of local COVID-19 exposure sites growing quicker than that bloke behind the bushes, another has been added...

Old mate puts Holden badge on new Camaro

30 July, 2019

30 July, 2019

With the release of American muscle-car the Chevrolet Camaro to Australia, avid Holden fan Beau Ghan was excited to somehow get...

Cyberbullying teens never okay…unless it’s Caleb Bond and it’s really funny

18 March, 2019

18 March, 2019

Cyberbullying is a cowardly act, which can be particularly harmful when aimed at teens. However, in the wake of anti-bullying...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: