24 September, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

SA tells WA ‘Only we have the skills to maintain problem-riddled subs’

With Western Australia circling Adelaide’s lucrative Collins Class Submarine maintenance contract, SA’s western counterparts have been told to ‘Back off, at least until you can convince us that you’re capable of stuffing up a submarine to the scale that we are’.

With an operating status that flicks between ‘partially submergible’ and ‘somehow currently both underwater AND on fire’, the ongoing maintenance of the subs contributes to over sixty per cent of the 2017-18 South Australian gross state product.*

The size of the contract has got Western Australia licking its lips.

Its proverbial lips, not their actual lips. Organising an entire state’s population to simultaneously lick their lips would be a logistical nightmare and rather pointless. Not to mention the sound, which would be gross.

Furthermore, the collective time spent by 2.6 million people halting work to actually lick their lips in unison (albeit briefly) is projected to cause a total productivity loss of over one billion dollars. Ironically, an amount far greater than Western Australia’s economy would stand to gain by winning the sub maintenance contracts.

The only way to circumvent the greater productivity loss would be to somehow integrate the lip-licking into the process of submarine maintenance.

Perhaps by replacing the submarines’ antiquated diesel engines with turbines powered entirely by the sound of people licking their lips in anticipation could the state counter the negative economic effects. Although scientists have labelled the idea as ‘dumb’ and ‘impossible’.

The Western Australian government would be better served employing all those people to do jobs actually required in submarine maintenance. Dividing up all the required roles between the population. For example, a job formerly performed by a handful of diesel mechanics could instead be performed by hundreds of thousands of Western Australians. Everyone from accountants to pastry chefs banding together to try and work out where to put the oil in a submarine’s diesel engine. Massively lowering productivity and leading to engines running with no oil whatsoever. A collaborative, defence contract utopia.

Of course, with an entire state’s population now working in some capacity at the submarine maintenance facility, essential services like ambulance driving or Big W door greeter would need to be outsourced interstate. It was a bad idea from the start.

*SA gross state product is on track for a record financial year, with the state now set to have enough equity for either a second investment property or a one-third share in a fast food franchise.

Related Posts

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

14 year old comedic genius invents the nickname “Colon Aids”

19 March, 2020

19 March, 2020

A Hackham West teenager has taken Adelaide’s southern suburbs by storm after creating a hilarious crude nickname for Colonnades shopping...

Next election, let’s just all vote for Cosi and see what happens

24 May, 2019

24 May, 2019

With the Federal Election over and not a great deal changing, aside from increased health-care costs for the poor, many...

Every Polites building to be heritage listed in 2020

6 September, 2019

6 September, 2019

In a surprising move by the SA Heritage Listing Council, it has been deemed that each and every Polites building...

Local hip-hop trio find religion, rename themselves ‘Hillsong Hoods’

29 May, 2019

29 May, 2019

In a move that has shocked the hip-hop community, Adelaide’s most influential hip-hop group, Hilltop Hoods, have announced a change...

Nobody really sure if the Red Tins thing is sarcastic or not

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

From twenty-somethings happily sharing the same beer with their fathers to bar owners happily off-loading their surplus of West End...

Researchers find anyone who went to Mansions pre-2012 is immune to COVID-19 and most other things too

7 April, 2020

7 April, 2020

Fastracked South Australian TAFE short course health research graduates have made an initial discovery in what could be the first...

Something a little off about this 40 year old bloke still listening to Fresh FM

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

Kristy just introduced this Darren guy to the group, and he seems nice and all, but we’re just not too...

Nuff: We interviewed this garden gnome wearing a POWER shirt and he couldn’t even name their captain

5 February, 2020

5 February, 2020

Somewhere in the backstreets of Glanville sits a cocky garden gnome claiming allegiance to the POWER. Within a manicured low-maintenance...

Calm down Jessica, it’s Lofty, not Everest

21 December, 2018

21 December, 2018

With a backpack full of rations, emergency supplies, and flares, Jessica Peak is fully equipped for her 3.9km Waterfall Gully to Mount...

Report: Albert Bensimon actually enjoyed a little bit of hoo-ha

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite his self-anointed reputation as a serious, no-nonsense jewellery magnate, the Adelaide Mail can finally reveal that Albert...

UniSA mature-aged student puts hand up again

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

eaking: 12 students from UniSA’s Magill campus are believed to have spent the last seven hours locked in a tutorial room after their course’s resident mature-aged student began raising her hand to quiz her tutor on a raft of trivial questions.

Glam Adelaide intern fired for only reposting Southport Beach stairs six times in a week

31 August, 2020

31 August, 2020

A social media intern at South Australia’s home of lifestyle news and filtered drone photos, Glam Adelaide, has been let...

Magic Cave now just a ‘Magic 3 x 4 metre room’

19 November, 2018

19 November, 2018

Budget cuts and declining sponsors have hit the Magic Cave hard this year, with Santa and his entire grotto allocated...

Burnside resident asks if travel bubble could be constructed exclusively around Eastern Suburbs

12 May, 2020

12 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT As the state begins to lift some of its coronavirus restrictions, attention has turned to travel and when...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: