22 October, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what to do about their disappointments of head coaches. After seventeen rounds, Don Pyke’s Adelaide Crows and Ken Hinkley’s Port Adelaide sit at eighth and ninth, respectively, on the ladder.

The two clubs are now said to have completely run out of ideas to try and motivate their coaches out of their crippling mediocrity. Both are now locking in coaching contracts for a further three years as punishment for poor results.

It’s the only way we can through to these stubborn middle-aged men. The threat of being stuck coaching a mediocre South Australian team for the next five years

‘We’ve tried just about everything with Ken’, says Port Adelaide head of football operations and half-time oranges Corky von Heipswolder. ‘We paid for a house for him and his family so that he has to live in Alberton. Thought that would be a big enough punishment, but no’.

‘Then we gave him an annual all-you-can-eat pass so that he has to have all of his meals at The Port Club unless the team’s winning games. Still nothing. He’ll get us to a win one week, then forget about eating the awful schnitzels the next! They do say that the human body doesn’t remember pain’.

‘It really left us with no other option’, von Heipswolder continues, ‘We had to offer him a contract extension through to the end of 2024, the Crows have done the same. It’s the only way we can through to these stubborn middle-aged men. The threat of being stuck coaching a mediocre South Australian team for the next five years’.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Bloke ordering a Halal Snack Pack at Adelaide yiros shop might as well be speaking another language

31 January, 2020

31 January, 2020

A tourist visiting from Sydney’s Newtown has confounded the owner of a North Adelaide yiros shop by attempting to order...

PAFC set to ban single-use plastic tarps

6 July, 2019

6 July, 2019

Renewing its commitment to sustainability, Port Adelaide Football Club today announced that they would be doing away with the single-use...

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Who fixed the SA outback rocket? Well, I’m glad you asked

21 September, 2020

21 September, 2020

After misfiring early last week, South Australia’s first attempt to join the space race with a rocket from Koonibba was...

Crows fan still angry about Ian Perrie for some reason

4 April, 2019

4 April, 2019

Their forward line has been a constant source of contempt for Adelaide Crows fans since Tony Modra packed up his...

Victorians look to Adelaide for tips on how to shut down entire city by 8pm every night

10 August, 2020

10 August, 2020 4

TRENT BARTLETT As Melbourne continues to get themselves home no later than 8pm, Victorians have been looking across the border...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

Uh-oh! This article is sponsored by some company, but we forgot who

20 February, 2019

20 February, 2019

After taking a look at The Betoota Advocate’s website and seeing how much advertising money we’re missing out on, we...

New “DogKeeper” package grants people $10,000 in Dogs Dollars for rent or Smirnoff Double Blacks

27 July, 2020

27 July, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT As South Australia grapples with the ongoing economic impact of COVID-19, the Federal Government has moved to stimulate...

Something a little off about this 40 year old bloke still listening to Fresh FM

19 December, 2018

19 December, 2018

Kristy just introduced this Darren guy to the group, and he seems nice and all, but we’re just not too...

Keith Conlon announced as new drummer for I Killed The Prom Queen

27 November, 2018

27 November, 2018

In a bold new move by Adelaide’s metalcore kings I Killed The Prom Queen, the announcement of veteran radio broadcaster...

CBD skateboarders disappointed at lack of actual ramp outside RAH

9 November, 2018

9 November, 2018

Dozens of skateboarders gathered outside the Royal Adelaide Hospital Emergency Department yesterday as news spread about a new ramp near...

‘AFL players will struggle to pay for second story on Queensland holiday homes’ – Brad Crouch

27 March, 2020

27 March, 2020 1

Star Adelaide Crow player Brad Crouch has told Adelaide Mail that some players would ‘struggle to pay for their second...

Murray Bridge Bunyip first South Australian to apply for voluntary euthanasia

19 June, 2021

19 June, 2021

With the voluntary euthanasia bill passing in South Australia, one South Australian is putting their haggard green claw up to...

Don Pyke keen to sign Brodie Grundy to warm the bench in SANFL

27 May, 2019

27 May, 2019

With star Collingwood ruckman Brodie Grundy out of contract at the end of 2020, Adelaide Crows coach Don Pyke is...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: