6 October, 2022

Adelaide Crows supporter hitting all of the stereotypes

SHOWDOWN SPECIAL: Donning her homemade woolen Adelaide Crows scarf and an unironically vintage bomber jacket, Rose Parque lauds the precise kick of her favourite Crow, Brodie Smith while also appearing to tick off all of the requisite attributes of a one-eyed Crows supporter.

‘I love my boys, Rory’s my favourite, of course’, says Parque while adjusting her tri-coloured homemade seat cushion. Although it’s unclear which football-playing Rory is indeed her favourite, Sloane, Laird or the less popular choice, Atkins.

‘And David [Mackay], he seems like a nice boy’, although the first name basis on which Parque’s relationship is based doesn’t seem to go any further than Eddie Betts, “Tex” and dozens of seemingly interchangeable blonde-haired players.

Judging by Parque’s jacket (which, it seems has been bought in three sizes too large to accommodate for a growing number of badges featuring players’ names and headshots), she only knows the names of four players.

At quarter time Parque packs up her belongings and heads off home ‘to beat Beulah Park traffic’

Badges with photos of Sloane, Smith, Daniel Talia and Mackay take up the vast majority of real estate on the jacket. The Mail counted two dozen badges bearing the photo of David Mackay.
 

Before the Adelaide Mail is able to quiz Parque on the baffling prominence of the much-maligned wingman, she begins her ritualistic and indiscriminate shouting of the word “ball” whenever an Adelaide player touches an opponent.

At quarter time Parque packs up her belongings and heads off home ‘to beat Beulah Park traffic’, but not before shouting at a jogging umpire for not ‘looking after her Richie [Douglas]’.

Editor’s note: For the dozen or so Adelaide fans who are young enough to know how to operate the internet, this is what is called ‘satirical banter’. If you’re offended by it, rather than writing an angry letter to The Advertiser, please see our Power fan article.

in Sport
Related Posts

Residents of Shithöle angered at being compared to Adelaide

25 September, 2019

25 September, 2019

The small village of Shithöle lies somewhere along the Eastern European poverty belt’s poverty belt, near the disputed border of...

Power fans start pretending they always follow SANFL

20 September, 2019

20 September, 2019

With the Port Adelaide Magpies facing off against Glenelg in the SANFL Grand Final this weekend, Port Power fans will...

36ers import players to be paid in ‘exposure’ for 2019/20 NBL season

23 September, 2019

23 September, 2019

The Adelaide 36ers administration vow that they have learnt their lesson after attempting to pay an Aboriginal artist for her...

Not to be outdone by Olsen, Mike Rann announced as new chairman for Adelaide Rams

13 October, 2020

13 October, 2020

There’s an old saying that goes ‘politicians never retire, they just end up becoming chairmen of local sporting clubs’, and...

Holden fan angry about Clipsal axing fails to see irony in delight for Tour Down Under axing

2 November, 2020

2 November, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT A Pooraka local dressed head-to-toe in heavily-sponsored and dated Holden Racing Team apparel has expressed his delight about...

LEAKED: Shortlist of Port Adelaide’s other proposed new logos

15 October, 2019

15 October, 2019

Following the unveiling of Port Adelaide Football Club’s new logo commemorating the club’s 23rd year anniversary, Adelaide Mail can reveal...

Nuff: We interviewed this garden gnome wearing a POWER shirt and he couldn’t even name their captain

5 February, 2020

5 February, 2020

Somewhere in the backstreets of Glanville sits a cocky garden gnome claiming allegiance to the POWER. Within a manicured low-maintenance...

Science proves it – Crows on track to be 2029 premiers!

22 August, 2021

22 August, 2021

MATT FREEMAN A combination of dodgy statistical modelling, along with the readings from the tea leaves from Crows fans’ thermos...

Power fan really hopes those photos from 1993 never resurface

16 October, 2020

16 October, 2020

1993, it was a simpler time. No social media, you could still smoke on public transport (well you weren’t meant...

Port performs angry costume change to make their closing argument through the power of song

9 May, 2021

9 May, 2021

TRENT BARTLETT The Port Power Football Club have turned up the heat in their enduring fight to wear their favourite...

Adelaide Mail calls for Adelaide Oval to have ONLY Scoreboards and Hills

30 August, 2021

30 August, 2021

With former Liberal MP Christopher Pyne clearly rapidly running out of ideas for things to write about in satirical newspaper...

Hinkley, Pyke given 3-year contract extensions to teach them a lesson

23 July, 2019

23 July, 2019

In light of two equally inconsistent seasons, both South Australian AFL clubs have found themselves scratching their heads at what...

Move over Mods! This wrestler’s changing his name to Ian Perrie in tribute of the OTHER Crows legend

29 October, 2020

29 October, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT Earlier this week it was revealed that a WWE wrestler had changed his name to that of former...

Kane Cornes called us a thief just because we broke into his house and stole stuff

13 February, 2020

13 February, 2020

Now, we’re not ones to typically use this platform to air grievances about petty disputes with our fellow K-grade Adelaide...

Walkerville to be renamed Eddiebettsville

18 August, 2021

18 August, 2021

Despite being neither walkable or anything to do with the disgraced Taylor Walker, the suburb of Walkerville is to be...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: