6 April, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Adelaide Crows supporter hitting all of the stereotypes

SHOWDOWN SPECIAL: Donning her homemade woolen Adelaide Crows scarf and an unironically vintage bomber jacket, Rose Parque lauds the precise kick of her favourite Crow, Brodie Smith while also appearing to tick off all of the requisite attributes of a one-eyed Crows supporter.

‘I love my boys, Rory’s my favourite, of course’, says Parque while adjusting her tri-coloured homemade seat cushion. Although it’s unclear which football-playing Rory is indeed her favourite, Sloane, Laird or the less popular choice, Atkins.

‘And David [Mackay], he seems like a nice boy’, although the first name basis on which Parque’s relationship is based doesn’t seem to go any further than Eddie Betts, “Tex” and dozens of seemingly interchangeable blonde-haired players.

Judging by Parque’s jacket (which, it seems has been bought in three sizes too large to accommodate for a growing number of badges featuring players’ names and headshots), she only knows the names of four players.

At quarter time Parque packs up her belongings and heads off home ‘to beat Beulah Park traffic’

Badges with photos of Sloane, Smith, Daniel Talia and Mackay take up the vast majority of real estate on the jacket. The Mail counted two dozen badges bearing the photo of David Mackay.
 

Before the Adelaide Mail is able to quiz Parque on the baffling prominence of the much-maligned wingman, she begins her ritualistic and indiscriminate shouting of the word “ball” whenever an Adelaide player touches an opponent.

At quarter time Parque packs up her belongings and heads off home ‘to beat Beulah Park traffic’, but not before shouting at a jogging umpire for not ‘looking after her Richie [Douglas]’.

Editor’s note: For the dozen or so Adelaide fans who are young enough to know how to operate the internet, this is what is called ‘satirical banter’. If you’re offended by it, rather than writing an angry letter to The Advertiser, please see our Power fan article.

in Sport
Related Posts

New sports radio station 1629 SEN releases coverage map

10 December, 2018

10 December, 2018

Following questions about the breadth of new sports-only radio station SEN’s broadcast coverage, the fledgling station has released a comprehensive...

Superloop gives up, starts referring to itself as ‘Clipsal’

21 February, 2019

21 February, 2019

Before the first Superloop 500 event has even started, the company behind the naming rights has reportedly already given up...

Port Power to continue playing to empty stadiums amid crowd ban

11 March, 2020

11 March, 2020

TOM STEWART Port Power are reportedly excited for “business as usual” this season, as the AFL is speculated to announce...

Exposé: Balfours caught using caged footballs for pies

4 September, 2018

4 September, 2018

In a shocking discovery by Adelaide Mail undercover journalists, it has come to light that Balfours is keeping the footballs...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

First stage of Tour Down Under won by lost Uber Eats rider

21 January, 2020

21 January, 2020

Today the Barossa hosted the first men’s stage of the Tour Down Under, a gruelling 150 kilometre slog even for...

Kane Cornes called us a thief just because we broke into his house and stole stuff

13 February, 2020

13 February, 2020

Now, we’re not ones to typically use this platform to air grievances about petty disputes with our fellow K-grade Adelaide...

Man who “supports both teams” rightfully beaten

23 July, 2018

23 July, 2018

A cowardly 48 year old Wellend man is in Queen Elizabeth Hospital after an altercation with his colleagues. Reports state...

36ers import players to be paid in ‘exposure’ for 2019/20 NBL season

23 September, 2019

23 September, 2019

The Adelaide 36ers administration vow that they have learnt their lesson after attempting to pay an Aboriginal artist for her...

Crows fan fires up the old VCR again to feel better

8 July, 2019

8 July, 2019

After a shocking Showdown loss over the weekend, one-eyed (her good one) Adelaide Crows fan Rose Parque has decided to...

Tensions escalate as Hamas mistakenly bombs Gaza Footy Club

29 January, 2020

29 January, 2020

A north-eastern Adelaide football club has been mistakenly drawn into a long-running Middle Eastern conflict solely because their name is...

If quarantined, please listen to the other hundred Adelaide Crows podcasts instead of making your own

20 March, 2020

20 March, 2020

As working in isolation and two-week quarantines become commonplace for many South Australians, a high proportion of 20 and 30...

Adelaide Crows external review results revealed: Shit’s fucked

11 October, 2019

11 October, 2019

The Adelaide Football Club have revealed the results of a six week-long, in-depth external review of both its on and...

Confused F1 fan arrives in Albert Park, SA ahead of Grand Prix

14 March, 2019

14 March, 2019

Lanyard Boystongue didn’t know what to expect upon arriving in Adelaide ahead of the 2019 Australian Formula One Grand Prix....

Stephen Rowe delivers calm, reasoned response to Adelaide Crows loss

7 July, 2018

7 July, 2018

Sports broadcaster Stephen Rowe has issued an on-air apology after leaked footage surfaced revealing Rowe to have engaged in a...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: