In a decisive move designed to get South Australians out of their cars more quickly, authorities have urged commuters to begin driving their cars directly onto the O-Bahn, citing dwindling national fuel reserves and a general public’s unwillingness to make any other change to their daily routine.
A spokesperson from the Department of Transport, Infrastructure and Ethically Grey Investment In Tow Truck Companies told Adelaide Mail that the move is a last ditch effort after having tried nothing.
“Look, we’ve thought about asking people to drive less, carpool more, and consider public transport,” said Gastrole Infantino. “But ultimately, the fastest way to save fuel is to simply arrive sooner. And nothing arrives sooner than a Camry doing 90 kays down a concrete track over a massive trench designed to immediately wreck the vehicle entirely”.
The government has released a series of helpful guidelines for first-time O-Bahn drivers, with tips including: ‘Don’t be a wuss’ and ‘Ignore the flashing signs’.
The Department has also installed new signage reading “You Probably Shouldn’t, But We Get It,” while reassuring drivers that any damage to vehicles, infrastructure, or personal dignity will be weighed against how far you make it down the tracks.
Modbury commuter, Horatio Platitude said he was initially hesitant, but quickly came around after saving 14 minutes on his morning trip. “Sure, my car immediately became wedged at a 30 degree angle in the track near TTP, but it’s a hell of a rush. Plus, I don’t have to pay for petrol now that my car’s been written off.”
Critics argue the move could lead to chaos, but the government has dismissed concerns, noting that South Australians have been preparing for this moment for the last 40 years.
Adelaide, we are days away from celebrating 365 days without a single car accidentally driving on the O-Bahn. Check in that nobody has fucked it up here.
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