Carbon dating has revealed that the hire skates available at Thebarton’s Ice Arena skating rink date back to as far as the Earth’s first major ice age, the Huronian Glaciation.
The blue ice skates, which seem to be made of a material 4,000 times stronger and more inflexible than any man-made material are believed to have been in use at times throughout the major glaciation, some 2.4 billion years before the invention of the Zamboni.
Adelaide’s Archaeology & Research Society of Experts (ARSE) say that the blades on the skates were likely forged around the time when oxygen became a thing, so they might be “from photosynthesis or something.”
“The skates are pretty old, I guess,” Head of ARSE Research Corbyn Fairtidings told Adelaide Mail in a tone that felt way too nonchalant given his whole life’s work is about discovering old shit.
“But they’re not the oldest thing we discovered at the Ice Arena. For example, we’re pretty sure the oil in the fryer hasn’t been replaced for a few months which is fairly old, possibly older? I don’t really know how time works.”
Adelaide Mail approached the Ice Arena about whether they plan on replacing the skates or at least sharpening them at some point, a suggestion they dismissed out-of-hand before threatening to strap a pair of skates on our feet and send us out on the ice during a school excursion where we would likely be bowled over in ankle-snapping hilarity.
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