4 February, 2023

Casual Crows fan unsure if he’s supposed to love or hate Tex this week

With his form flip-flopping since the 2017 AFL Grand Final, Adelaide co-captain Taylor Walker has been the cause of much confusion for casual fans of the club.

Over thirty per cent of the Adelaide Crows fan base consists of people who merely wish to engage in gentle Monday morning banter with co-workers who have no common interests. However, the combination of Tex’s form and the public’s mood toward the moustachioed skipper has turned idle Monday chit-chat into painstaking weekly research projects on the Adelaide captain.

I’ve developed a patented system which tells me exactly what I should be saying about Big Tex before even Sam McClure has opened his big, dumb mouth

Shawn O’Lasletter, who works as a Manager of Word Document Formatting Issues says he is now devoting up to 25 hours per week in identifying which adjectives he should be using for Walker on a Monday morning.

‘I’ve developed a patented system which tells me exactly what I should be saying about Big Tex before even Sam McClure has opened his big, dumb mouth’, says O’Lasletter.

O’Lasletter proudly demonstrated his Tex-labelling machine to a gathered throng of journalists. All of whom remarked on both the size of the device, with his machinery engulfing O’Lasletter’s Norwood flat, as well as the volume of toxic fumes spewing from its exhaust.

‘I’ll show you how it works. All we have to do is load in the entire week’s recordings of every time Rowey shouted on the FIVEaa sports show. This week we have 60 hours of that, which is weird because the show’s only on for 15 hours per week’.

‘Then we add in Tom Richardson’s InDaily column. I used to use Michelangelo Rucci’s column but for some reason The Advertiser put that behind a paywall and expected people to pay for it, I suspect that’s just a long-running joke’.

‘Then, lastly, we simply need a vial of blood from a former Crows player. This week inaugural Adelaide player Rodney Maynard has volunteered to give a litre of blood to this good cause…please disregard the fact that he’s unconscious’.

Two hours later the machinery delivered a verdict on the general mood toward Taylor Walker. ‘So, this week the machine has given us the phrase “basically Hitler”. So, I’ll be trying that out tomorrow’.

in News, Sport
Related Posts

Para Hills resident claims she’s from the Adelaide Hills

14 February, 2019

14 February, 2019

Seeking to up her social status and property value, Brittney Mounts of Para Hills has decided that her suburb counts...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

Royal Adelaide Show Cancelled: Who will judge Nan’s knitted Golliwogs now?

14 April, 2020

14 April, 2020

DAN SCHMIDT News has broken that the Royal Adelaide Show has been cancelled for the fifth time in history. Previously...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

Local wheelie bin maintains and confirms SAFM still rocks Banksia Park

21 June, 2021

21 June, 2021 1

Decades after the heyday of the SAFM Black Thunders gracing suburban Adelaide streets handing out icy-cold cans of expired cola,...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

Adelaide Crows launch their own heritage campaign: “Bring Back The Jars”

3 May, 2021

3 May, 2021

Much alike Port Adelaide Football Club (est. 1997), the Adelaide Crows have launched their own heritage campaign in an attempt...

Playford resident quickly finds out why House & Land package was so cheap

8 October, 2018

8 October, 2018

Finally deciding to bite the bullet of home ownership, Mel Ashton, 29, of Smithfield, felt she could not go past...

Victor Harbor launch new tourism campaign, “We’re Missing U”

13 May, 2020

13 May, 2020

As travel restrictions ease, Victor Harbor launches a new tourism campaign

Unique SA strain of virus now being found in Victoria

15 March, 2020

15 March, 2020

DIRK SPUD In worrying signs that we may be reaching a point of no return when it comes to its...

Woman joins Port Elliot Bakery line now hoping to get lunch for Easter Sunday

31 March, 2021

31 March, 2021

With the traditional Easter Adelaide mass exodus about to begin, the Fleurieu Peninsula will soon be overrun by metropolitan Adelaide’s...

Ken Hinkley spotted scouting Tea Tree Gully over 35’s Masters team for better talent

2 April, 2022

2 April, 2022

After starting the season with three straight losses including a Showdown loss against a team who “can’t handball and can’t...

2001 Golden Grove High graduate still using the word ‘Gug’

2 January, 2019

2 January, 2019

Over 17 years since barely graduating from Golden Grove, Richard Mahogany of Greenwith continues to utilise obscure and almost obsolete...

Demand for SA produce leads to spike in exports of Adelaide tap water

21 June, 2019

21 June, 2019

With the growing international reputation of South Australian food and wine, foodies from around the world have begun to develop...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: