“Cyclists take up so much room” says man from 4 metre wide Emotional Support Vehicle

DAN SCHMIDT

As the annual summer surge of spanex sporters stuffing suburban street spaces starts, so do complaints from motorists that cyclists are “taking up too much room”.

One such man is Skaifey McBrock (we’re pretty sure that’s not his real name, but he insisted that he call him that, also that’s his name on Facebook and given that we’re an online news publication operating in 2024, that’s about as much research into the matter as we’re willing to undertake).

‘Hate how much farken’ room these skinny lycra-wearing, latte-sipping yuppies are takin’ up on the roads hey?!’ yelled Skaifey umprompted from his four-metre wide, two-storey tall, lifted Ranger-Ram-Raptor-Cruiser-Silverado-Colorado-50-XL quad-cab Emotional Support Vehicle.

‘Saw a couple of the clowns riding two across in a bike lane. Wearing tight shorts and shaving their legs, all look like a bunch of fa-ooh, better not say that, or the PC brigade will get me. Can’t say anything these days’.

Skaifey’s continued ranting to us while parked diagonally across six accessible parking spaces and intermittently revving his mid-sized semi-truck. ‘See this?’ he said pointing to an ostentatious bull bar ‘This is for any of ’em that get in my way if you know what I mean. They can Tour the Down Under of my chassis if you catch my drif-ooh, better not say that, or the PC brigade will get me. Can’t say anything these days’.

‘If they’re taking up too much room shouldn’t be my fault if I give them a little nudge, hey? I’d leave them be and take their bikes for scrap. Well, I would if my tray could actually fit a bike in it’ continued McBrock pointing to the back of his cargo tray which looked like it could maybe hold a standard sized school bag. Seriously though, why do these giant utes have the tiniest trays?

‘And the amount they spend on these piece of shit bikes is crazy. Waste of money if you ask me. Anyway, I’m off, better hope I don’t see any of ’em on my way to the bank. Gotta go ask for another deferral and extension on the 17% loan for this bad boy here’ Skaifey concluded before driving down all three lanes of Anzac Highway.