South Australian government finds ingenious solution to ramping problem, a new multi-level U-Park

TRENT BARTLETT

The South Australian Government has revealed the results of a lengthy undertaking to find a solution to the state’s long-standing Ambulance ramping problem, a nine-storey U-Park built exclusively for ramped ambulances.

The multi-storey parking station is set to be built at the entrance to the Royal Adelaide Hospital, taking as many as 740 patients in need of urgent care off the roads and out of congestion.

“We’ve heard South Australians’ calls for a solution to the ramping crisis,” Jermaine Brandingiron, the Assistant Health Minister’s Head Joke Writer and Tie Chooser, told Adelaide Mail. “And we know that Adelaideans are sick to death…wait no, don’t write sick to death down as a quote. Don’t write that part too.

“They are tired of getting stuck in traffic on North Terrace because some irresponsible paramedic and their inconsiderate patient decide to park their ambo halfway across the road. Well, this will happen no more.”

The Ambulance Registration, Surgeries & Emergencies (ARSE) Union have told Adelaide Mail that similar undertakings, despite being well-intentioned, previously failed.

“The Government tried this at Modbury Hospital in the 90s and while it was great for getting all that traffic off the roads, which is of course our number one priority, it threw up a bunch of other problems,” said Chief Operating Officer of ARSE, David Rangold.

“It always seems like there’s plenty of space for more ambulances to come in, but they just end up driving around and around in circles for what feels like hours because all the parks are bloody reserved. All the more annoying when you’ve got some patient in the back complaining about their abdomen or some shit.

“You would quite often have 12 or more ambulances stuck at the exit because some idiot lost their ticket. And the state ended up losing hundreds of ambulances because drivers forgot which levels they parked on.”