20 April, 2021 South Australia's other fake news source

Adelaide Mail’s guide to the Adelaide Crows’ top 5 AFL draft prospects

TRENT BARTLETT

It’s the most wonderful time of the year for Adelaide Crows fans. The time of year when their footy club’s recruiters flex their muscle and rely on their club’s fans being either very forgiving or very forgetful.

With Adelaide entering the 2020 draft with their highest ever pick, Adelaide Mail’s crack team of respected sports journos have cobbled together their list of the club’s top 5 draft prospects this year.

1. The Already-Homesick Victorian

Tommy Torquay is a big-bodied midfielder who loves his footy, his family, the farm and fishing. When he’s not blazing away from packs you can find him chatting with his mum, or out on the boat with dad. His younger brother is gravely ill but it’s okay because Tommy takes an hour out of every afternoon to get him to hospital. Where would he be without Tommy?

2.  The Troubled Teen Who Will Definitely Come Good Once He’s Around The Positive Culture Of Adelaide Football Club

Sure he might have already had the odd indiscretion in his teen years, but who hasn’t. Who hasn’t burnt out a car or two? We’ve all been young and charged with grievous bodily harm. And anyway, that BWS had no security guard on, they were practically begging to be robbed with a sawn-off shotgun. Despite the blunders, and also a DUI that he just racked up on his way to his club’s grand final, Adelaide recruiters are willing to bet on him coming good within the positive culture at AFC. And if not, there’s nothing a highly controversial camp couldn’t fix.

3. Possibly The Best South Australian Player In The Last Two Decades…And He’s Done An ACL

It seems as though the brilliant South Australian players don’t pop up as often as they once did. But this kid…this kid is different. He’s a prodigy. The product of six generations of footballers and possibly the silkiest skills you’re ever likely to see on the footy field. They call him Ablett crossed with Judd crossed with Danger…and we’re just hearing that he’s done his ACL for the third time moments after signing his contract with Adelaide.

4. The Full-Forward Who Dominates At State Level But Doesn’t Quite Have What It Takes For AFL

He literally kicked every goal in last year’s Far North Queensland Footy League. And sure, he might have a bit of paunch around the mid-section, but he just loves cake. Are footy players not allowed to eat cake nowadays? He’s tipped to still be available when Round 5 rolls around, which means Adelaide could pick him up for a bargain…mainly because every other club has done their homework and this guy is basically 2020’s Adam Richardson.

5. The Brilliant Mr Inconsistency

Wowwee! This kid can play. In fact, we’ve gone and watched him on three separate occasions (not in consecutive weeks, sure) and he tore apart the opposition on each and every time. 35+ possessions and the most mercurial acts you’re ever likely to see down at Chirnside Park. Funny thing is, every time our colleagues went and watched his team they say that didn’t see him at all. Weird. Mustn’t have been playing on those days.

<strong>Trent Bartlett</strong>
Trent Bartlett

Trent is the current chairman of the “Adelaide Press Club” due to his devotion to large steam ironing devices. Trent writes for the Adelaide Mail largely by accident, often mistaking our Content Management System for his own personal diary.

in News, Sport
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