As Melbourne continues to get themselves home no later than 8pm, Victorians have been looking across the border to their South Australian friends for tips on how an entire, functioning city can shut down by the early evening each night.
Having not seen more than two dozen people out on the streets since the entire city celebrated the grand opening of South Australia’s first Warner Bros store at Westfield Marion in 1997, Adelaideans have more than a few tips for the Vics.
So, as a gift to our eastern compadres, we have surveyed over a handful of South Australians to compile a list of our top 5 tips for Victorians trying to figure out how to stay at home after 8pm.
1. Don’t have anything worth leaving the house for after dark.
Want to keep people at home when it’s dark? It’s simple, dingus, you just have to get rid of anything worth visiting at night. Simply encourage noise complaints on established venues and cave to the demands of an ageing population who seek to stifle any nightlife. Why leave home when you can have just as little fun in your lounge room!
2. Make it impossible to get anywhere via public transport after sundown
Right now if you’re in Adelaide, you’re probably thinking: ‘Hey I’d sure love to get myself a Hungry George burger right now.’ Well think again buster, because it’s 10:40pm and the city’s one bus has already driven past while blaring Queen’s I Want To Break Free, probably. If you’re serious about keeping Melburnians at home, you’ll rip up all your tram tracks, shut down your bus routes by early evening and make trains too frightening to travel on when dark.
3. Install the ghost of Bob Francis on every street to scare people back into their homes
If the lack of any major drawcards after sundown is not a big enough reason to keep residents in their homes, fear might just be your next best option. Scare people into isolation with your town’s very own Bob Francis ghost. Each Bob Francis ghost comes with its own motorised wheelchair and shouts dickbrain at all innocent passers-by. Residents will have no choice but to retire to their homes when they come into contact with Big Bad Bob’s ghost.
4. Keep people at home by telling anyone who breaks curfew that they will have to star in the reboot of McLeod’s Daughters
You know how that old saying goes: ‘Everyone loves McLeod’s Daughters until you’re forced to be an extra in the back of the Gungellan pub.’ For years now, Adelaideans have been kept within the confines of their homes overnight by the threat of having to appear in the oft-threatened ninth season of the TV show. Nobody wants that, and that’s why everyone stays safely at home, and why we still don’t have any more seasons of the Drover’s Run drama.
5. Pay Gary Sweet to chase curfew evaders with a rolled up wet towel, flicking them every 20-30 metres
The sight of a shirtless Gary Sweet brandishing a rolled up wet bath towel on the footpath outside our houses is so ingrained in the minds of South Australians that we barely even notice him any more. But apparently, those interstate don’t even have a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening people back into their homes. We heard that a local council once tried to get Colin Friels to do the same thing in Camberwell, but it just wasn’t the same. For us South Aussies, nothing signifies nightfall more than a shirtless Gary Sweet threatening us with a rolled up wet towel. Victorians would be wise to stop being so thrifty and pay for their very own Gary Sweet.