5 July, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Boomer at work despite flu to ensure he can insult vegan fest attendee

While Adelaide’s vegans may be recovering from a weekend spent at Rundle Park’s Vegan Festival, one local boomer has dashed the expectations of all colleagues by appearing at work three days deep into a nasty flu.

The incorrectly self-proclaimed ‘carnivore’ has never missed an opportunity to chuck a ‘sickie’, however the looming opportunity to deride his plant-based peers was too lucrative to lie in bed for.

Humans are carnivores and always have been

‘I feel sicker than a dog’, says Brian Primecut, ‘probably just about as sick as a vegan’s dog feels when his owner serves dinner up for him each night’.

‘But I knew this morning when I woke up that a few of the people I work with probably went to that bloody vegan festival on the weekend. I was actually there at Rundle Park too…about three hundred metres upwind with some bloody delicious pork crackling on the Weber Q’.

When asked to pinpoint the reasons for his disdain for his vegan colleagues Primecut called on his misunderstanding of evolutionary biology.

‘All I can say is I hope they had a dentist on site to remove all of the teeth which only carnivores need. Humans are carnivores and always have been’, said Primecut, who was so impressed with his latest musing that he immediately used it as a comment on an Advertiser article about the event.

‘They’re all bloody idiots. Humans didn’t get to where they are by eating leaves. We got to this point by eating steaks, and schnitzels’.

Related Posts

New sports radio station 1629 SEN releases coverage map

10 December, 2018

10 December, 2018

Following questions about the breadth of new sports-only radio station SEN’s broadcast coverage, the fledgling station has released a comprehensive...

We’re not convinced Kingswood is a real suburb either

10 July, 2018

10 July, 2018

While we’d be the first to admit that we’ve not looked into this too closely, we’re just not ready to...

UniSA mature-aged student puts hand up again

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

eaking: 12 students from UniSA’s Magill campus are believed to have spent the last seven hours locked in a tutorial room after their course’s resident mature-aged student began raising her hand to quiz her tutor on a raft of trivial questions.

Crows fans oddly supportive of cancellation of AFL season

16 March, 2020

16 March, 2020

Crows fans are throwing their support behind the permanent cancellation of AFL matches as a precaution to the growing threat...

Plans for Anzac Hwy Le Cornu site revealed: Big fence, even more weeds

23 January, 2020

23 January, 2020 1

As Kaufland mysteriously disappear from Australian shores, top secret plans for the future of Le Cornu’s former Anzac Highway showroom...

PM Scott Morrison takes credit for stopping the Buffalo

14 October, 2018

14 October, 2018

Prime Minister Scott Morrison has taken credit for stopping the land-bound, abandoned restaurant the HMS Buffalo while on a whistle-stop...

Decade old Puratap filter probably fine

22 April, 2020

22 April, 2020

When Darren* and Amelia* (names changed to maintain anonymity) purchased their St. Clair property in 2010, little did they know...

South Australians tipped to consume $3bn worth of Zooper Doopers today

24 January, 2019

24 January, 2019

While many today will be doing their best to not think about just how high the mercury is expected to...

Dad starts saving good Pageant spot now

24 October, 2019

24 October, 2019

With less than three weeks until the 2019 Christmas Pageant kicks off, father of three, Doug Float, is dedicated to...

Too old for Hindley Street but too young for Leigh Street, 28 year old just stays at home

20 August, 2018

20 August, 2018

The glory days of The Woolshed, Red Square, yiros shops and grievous bodily assaults are over for Sam Lee, 28...

Barmera economy kept afloat entirely by TV Travel Auctions

22 January, 2019

22 January, 2019

‘Who wants to go on a holiday, holiday, holiday?’ You can hear the eternally-repeating echoes of John Dean’s famous voiceover...

Salesman optimistic about selling in-ground pool to family holding Bertie Beetle showbags

31 August, 2018

31 August, 2018

When it comes to closing the deal, Christian Levolsi backs himself like few other salesmen, so when he was faced...

Adelaide in midst of annual coloured chalk shortage

7 November, 2018

7 November, 2018

‘Tis the season for Christmas pageants throughout the state, and with that comes the yearly coloured chalk supply shortage. Parents...

Interstate comedian tries his hand at some groundbreaking Snowtown jokes

17 January, 2020

17 January, 2020

A Victorian comedian whose only knowledge of South Australia comes through Kane Cornes’s Twitter spats, stories from an uncle who...

Christopher Pyne quits politics to spend more time doing what he loves

1 March, 2019

1 March, 2019

In a coup for Adelaide Mail readers, outgoing Federal Defence Minister Christopher Pyne has revealed what his plans are for...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: