5 July, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

SA leads nation in problem drinkers masked as wine connoisseurs

In yet another example of South Australia leading its counterparts in important lifestyle statistics, a new study has revealed that the state is miles ahead in alcoholism being disguised as wine appreciation.

The results of the study follow several months of statistical wins by the state, which is also leading the nation in unemployment and consumption of methamphetamine. 

If kicking back with one or two bottles of a nice, full-bodied McLaren Vale Cabernet is a problem, then I guess I must have a problem

Unley mother of three Wendly Haxby told Adelaide Mail that she doesn’t have a problem and she’s not sure where these researchers are getting their data.

‘If kicking back with one or two bottles of a nice, full-bodied McLaren Vale Cabernet is a problem, then I guess I must have a problem’, said Haxby while swilling a glass of riesling ahead of the after-school pickups.

‘Oh this? It’s a sunny day’, continued Haxby, referring to the glass of white she was downing from a glass being gripped by a tightly-clenched fist. ‘Anyway, I don’t think anybody considers riesling to be “alcoholic”, do they?’

‘Look, if wanting to sit back with a glass of wine at the end of a hard day of work…and suffering massive withdrawls and migraines at around two-thirty every day before I have a drink…and ignoring several ongoing alcohol-related health issues…and hiding bottles of Cab Sav at the bottom of the pantry behind the flour where nobody looks makes me an alocholic, then I guess I’m just a big, bloody alcoholic’.

By definition, Haxby is absolutely an alcoholic.

Related Posts

Garden Grove erect giant windsock to capture free top soil in dust storm

19 September, 2019

19 September, 2019

Landscape supplier Garden Grove best known for their trucks smelling like manure and mistakenly being called Golden Grove Supplies have...

Barossa local, who definitely has bigger things to worry about now, is angry you’re saying NuriOOPTA

30 March, 2020

30 March, 2020

Of all the things that a Barossa Valley resident could be getting angry at right now, Larry Hyphen-Colon has chosen...

This ALDI cookware is such a bargain you’ll almost forget about Australia’s history of systemic racism

2 June, 2020

2 June, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT What a glorious year under the good graces of the ALDI gods it has been. Just when we...

Burnside girl with SACA membership actually spends 20 minutes watching the cricket

6 December, 2018

6 December, 2018

The Adelaide test match is renowned for its festive atmosphere, beautiful scenery and the heritage ground, but for many the...

Stirling stoner claims local chemist name is misleading

3 February, 2020

3 February, 2020

An Adelaide Hills stay-at-home adult daughter and Oreos connoisseur Chakra Vortwenti is claiming that the name of her local pharmacy...

REVEALED: Pelicans actually prefer to shop at TTP

13 November, 2019

13 November, 2019

As part of Adelaide Mail’s “you should know this” investigative journalism article series, where we expose secrets from around South...

2001 Golden Grove High graduate still using the word ‘Gug’

2 January, 2019

2 January, 2019

Over 17 years since barely graduating from Golden Grove, Richard Mahogany of Greenwith continues to utilise obscure and almost obsolete...

Johnny Haysman eats 2kg bag of sugar in attempt to gain YouTube subscribers

6 March, 2019

6 March, 2019

In an attempt to appeal to a younger market and beat the YouTube algorithm, local eccentric Adelaide legend John Haysman...

ShitAdelaide blocked us now we have to go outside to laugh at the poor

28 June, 2019

28 June, 2019

Having come to rely on a local Instagram account as our conduit to the outside world, our schedule had come...

Nuff: We interviewed this garden gnome wearing a POWER shirt and he couldn’t even name their captain

5 February, 2020

5 February, 2020

Somewhere in the backstreets of Glanville sits a cocky garden gnome claiming allegiance to the POWER. Within a manicured low-maintenance...

Dad starts saving good Pageant spot now

24 October, 2019

24 October, 2019

With less than three weeks until the 2019 Christmas Pageant kicks off, father of three, Doug Float, is dedicated to...

10 things you never knew about the Myer Centre

26 April, 2020

26 April, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT All of this madness at the moment has made us realise what’s really important to us: mostly-empty, multi-level...

New SA retail forecast in: All Rundle Mall shops to shut by 2021

21 February, 2020

21 February, 2020

The latest numbers are in for South Australia’s economy, and it’s not good news for the state’s struggling retail sector....

Adelaide Fashion Festival just showcasing whatever is on sale at Harris Scarfe

20 October, 2018

20 October, 2018

The State’s leading fashion event is currently underway in Adelaide, with designers, runway models, socialites, and critics flying in from...

Remaining KI koalas go missing as news of PM’s visit spreads

8 January, 2020

8 January, 2020

As news of the Prime Minister’s visit to Kangaroo Island spreads amongst what remains of Kangaroo Island’s koala community, the...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: