30 May, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Ingle Farm shopping centre considering radical third Coles store

Following the success of the populist “A Chicken In Every Pot, Two Coles in Every Mall” plan, Ingle Farm Shopping Centre will seek to grow the number of Coles in its confines by one per year over the next thirty years.

The strategy, now more realistically labelled “Coles Owns Everything, Even You” will see a radical third Coles store open next to one of the existing Coles supermarkets. The move is believed to be a push by Coles Group to limit the reaches of its competition, by leasing all available floor space.

Coles Group’s head of Everything Acquisition, Daniel Plainview explained to Adelaide Mail how their acquisition and growth strategy works over some friendly ten pin bowling.

‘If you have a milkshake, and I have a milkshake’, says Plainview. ‘And if I have a straw. My straw reaches across Ingle Farm Shopping Centre and starts to drink your milkshake, I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!’

While nobody has ever been able to explain how the presence of two Coles supermarkets within a hundred metres makes any sense, we were too scared to push the matter further as Plainview raised a bowling ball over our heads while asking us whether we have a Coles Rewards Mastercard.

In any case, we had to leave the bowling alley as it was about to become a Coles.

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