30 May, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Looming end of winter great news for cable tie manufacturers

The looming end of Adelaide’s winter signifies two things for most South Australians: re-emerging from your house at night after a four-month, self-imposed curfew and a marked increase in terrified running through parklands as magpies bomb themselves at you.

This is basically our Christmas

With Adelaide’s magpie population already organising themselves to begin randomly attacking innocent pedestrians and cyclists, there is one sector of the South Australian economy that is rubbing their hands together in anticipation for swooping season.

SA’s $600 million dollar cable tie industry is believed to rely on the advent of Adelaide’s spring to almost entirely prop up revenue.

‘This is basically our Christmas’, says Diocese Canyon, head of finance and fastening at the Cable-Tie Research Allied Partnership (CRAP).

‘You know we go all year with people basically forgetting about us until they need to stick up a tarp or an election poster. Even then we’re an after-thought, everyone just stands around saying “did anyone remember to get cable ties?” Well, now you HAVE to buy cable ties! Or else, enjoy getting swooped!’

When our Adelaide Mail reporters mentioned, in passing, that there seems to be ‘More magpies around than there used to be’, Canyon responded defensively.

‘Well the research partnership isn’t spending hundreds of millions on selectively breeding the most aggressive magpies and re-homing them in Adelaide’s most heavily-trafficked bike paths if that’s what you’re suggesting’.

It wasn’t.

‘And we’re certainly not attempting to train other bird species to begin violently swooping cyclists either. I mean, do you even know how difficult it is to train a duck to sit in trees waiting for cyclists to swoop? Turns out it’s very difficult indeed’.

‘And if you’re saying that we have already spent a quarter of a billion dollars on research into a swooping magpie bird-robot prototype that swoops all year round, I would say you’re crazy for even suggesting it’.

The Cable-Tie Research Allied Partnership’s swooping magpie bird-robot will be unveiled at the 2020 International Avian Robot Conference.

Related Posts

New RAH carpark awarded Adelaide’s most challenging escape room

18 January, 2019

18 January, 2019

Escape rooms have rapidly become all the rage with teenagers, lame corporate offices, and small groups of weird tight-knit friends...

Nobody asking ‘why no Adelaide?’ about this band’s tour for some reason

13 February, 2019

13 February, 2019

Dozens of international bands tour Australia each year, with many of them bypassing South Australia’s capital in favour of its...

Ceduna resident extremely angry about Adelaide Park Lands development

9 April, 2019

9 April, 2019

Murat Thevenard of Ceduna is your average consumer of South Australia’s satirical newspaper, The Advertiser, he gets it delivered to...

UniSA mature-aged student puts hand up again

28 May, 2018

28 May, 2018

eaking: 12 students from UniSA’s Magill campus are believed to have spent the last seven hours locked in a tutorial room after their course’s resident mature-aged student began raising her hand to quiz her tutor on a raft of trivial questions.

SA Dentists host annual Farmers Union Iced Coffee appreciation night

9 December, 2019

9 December, 2019

South Australia’s dentists gathered for their industry’s night of nights on Saturday night, with their annual Farmers Union Thanksgiving Dinner....

Now here’s something we don’t mind Victoria stealing from SA

6 November, 2019

6 November, 2019

News has broken on several less reputable news-sites that failed Mayo candidate and novelty cheque aficionado Georgina Downer will be...

Regional dad wears Akubra at Adelaide Airport just to flex on these city slickers

23 October, 2019

23 October, 2019

Nothing gives Bruce Jolliswagmen greater joy than getting to showcase how he comes from a regional area in the form of...

Yatala Vale resident tired of explaining it’s nowhere near the prison

14 February, 2020

14 February, 2020

A resident of Yatala Vale, a picturesque semi-rural suburb in Adelaide’s outer north-east, is fed up being asked if she...

Noel’s Caravans jingle tops SA reggae charts for 728th consecutive week

19 October, 2018

19 October, 2018

For over a decade the laid back calypso beats and offbeat feeling of the Noel’s Caravans jingle has been so...

Salisbury mum returns to OTR to buy carton of ciggies with wheelbarrow full of shrapnel

5 January, 2019

5 January, 2019

After reportedly being denied being able to buy milk and bread with a few fifty cents pieces, the single mother...

Adelaide Uni Law student splits RM Williams boots across 3 transactions after forgetting dad’s credit card PIN

9 August, 2018

9 August, 2018

A first-year University of Adelaide law student has been dealt the embarrassing blow of dipping into his own savings to...

Old mate looking for roast buffet ends up at new CBD hospital

30 January, 2020

30 January, 2020

An event that can only be described as “not newsworthy at all” (even for Adelaide Mail standards) occured in the...

Seeing a gap in the market, all OTRs start serving pancakes 24/7

17 June, 2019

17 June, 2019

With the Pancake Kitchen no longer operating 24 hours a day during the week, the OTR overlords have announced the...

New Adelaide bar without a neon sign probably doomed

11 September, 2019

11 September, 2019

It’s in a prime location and serves the best cocktails in a welcoming environment, but something is missing at Adelaide’s...

Top two levels “still as exciting as ever” say Myer Centre management

12 April, 2019

12 April, 2019

In a bid to entice more people into an ageing, largely vacant shopping centre, the management of the Myer Centre...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: