30 May, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Fullarton Road servo sells out of these sunnies for some reason

In what has been described by economists as an unpredicted and alarming spike in demand, a Fullarton Road service station adjacent Victoria Park’s motor racing track has completely sold out of one particular style of sunglasses.

The distinctive wrap-around style of $15 black sunglasses typically sells one to two pairs per month. The sales usually come at the hands of a teenage dare or a suburban dad towing a boat on his way to Murray Bridge.

Owners of the service station have described those recently buying the sunglasses as men, all of similar appearance and age with the exact same facial hair, a goatee. The men are usually seen wearing some type of uniform, a collared black shirt featuring stitched insignias which may or may not be gang-related.

Economists from Adelaide Research & Survey Estimates (ARSE) have offered their thoughts on what could be behind the increased demand. The ARSE finger has pointed towards an orchestrated move by owners of the sunglasses’ manufacturer Doakley to create a false level of demand as they float their company on the intellectual property plagiarists’ stock exchange the All Ordinances 5000.

Premier Steven Marshall has a different idea, explaining who he thinks is behind the mysterious demand spike saying, ‘We had a Labor party in government who had grown arrogant with power. I have no doubts that Peter Malinauskas, Jay Weatherill and all their union buddies are sitting at home today wearing pairs of their ill-gotten sunglasses. Probably to shield themselves from media scrutiny of Labor’s Big Budget Blackhole’.

Not one to pass up the opportunity to insert his unwelcome opinion into an unrelated topic, Queensland senator, and king of the nutbags, Fraser Anning says that there is only one explanation for who could pull off such an alarming affront on local, Anglo-Saxon shops. African gangs.

Kane Cornes offered his view on the situation, stating: ’The Adelaide Footy Club is a disgrace. They pulled the wool over our eyes with their membership numbers and now they’re pulling fifteen dollar knock-off sunnies over their eyes with their members’ money. An absolute disgrace’.

Satirical newspaper The Advertiser offered their take, laying the blame at the feet of the defunct fleet of Ofo shared bikes, former Premier Mike Rann and restrictive shop trading hours.

The mysterious owners of Instagram account ShitAdelaide also chimed in with their poorly-formed, unsolicited political opinions. The account owners wrote ‘We often poke fun at those buying speed dealer sunnies. But we truly believe that the government needs to do something to ensure that we have reliable access to speed dealers, as is our right as South Australians’. Bafflingly, the caption was attached to a video of a mentally ill man dancing in the Moseley Square fountain while on-lookers shouted ‘ShitAdelaide’. The video had 17,000 likes.

Related Posts

CBD skateboarders disappointed at lack of actual ramp outside RAH

9 November, 2018

9 November, 2018

Dozens of skateboarders gathered outside the Royal Adelaide Hospital Emergency Department yesterday as news spread about a new ramp near...

Hindley Street to become 100% shisha bars by 2020, study reveals

17 January, 2019

17 January, 2019

New research into economic trends in Adelaide’s west end reveals that the city’s most famous nightstrip is heading towards wall-to-wall...

To avoid confusion Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton / Penfold / St Bernards Road to get even more names

14 January, 2020

14 January, 2020

MATT FREEMAN Adelaide’s single stretch of road with more names than any other, Walkleys / Sudholz / Darley / Newton...

Dover Gardens man with a cold ends up in taxi to Novar Gardens

14 October, 2019

14 October, 2019

After leaving after-work Friday drinks in the city early because they were feeling a little under the weather, Al Lurgey...

Man really should start training for City to Bay

7 September, 2018

7 September, 2018

With a week to go until he plans on running 12km, Michael Walker of Glynde figures he should really start...

Parents, is your teen texting about Adelaide’s North-Eastern suburbs?

21 January, 2019

21 January, 2019

Is your teenage son or daughter always on their phone? The kids these days with their MSN Messenger and MySpace...

LOL, Melbourne thinks this is a beach

10 December, 2019

10 December, 2019

In a city where locals will constantly remind you it’s “world’s most livable” and also frequently awarded “world’s most consistently...

South Australian corrects interstate friend on her pronunciation again

19 February, 2019

19 February, 2019

In what is fast becoming a deal-breaker amongst new Victorian friends and colleagues of South Australian Shelly Fischer, the freshly-migrated...

Unique SA strain of virus now being found in Victoria

15 March, 2020

15 March, 2020

DIRK SPUD In worrying signs that we may be reaching a point of no return when it comes to its...

Rail shutdown somehow leads to more punctual tram and train services

21 August, 2019

21 August, 2019

With commuter rail services shut down over two days in order to let transport workers attend mandatory meetings, Adelaide commuters...

Crows fans oddly supportive of cancellation of AFL season

16 March, 2020

16 March, 2020

Crows fans are throwing their support behind the permanent cancellation of AFL matches as a precaution to the growing threat...

Suburb of Paradise hit with false claims lawsuit

15 January, 2019

15 January, 2019

The north-eastern suburb of Paradise has found itself in legal trouble with a class action lawsuit being filed by thousands...

Dad starts saving good Pageant spot now

24 October, 2019

24 October, 2019

With less than three weeks until the 2019 Christmas Pageant kicks off, father of three, Doug Float, is dedicated to...

Modbury Triangle celebrates 14th shopper of 2020

3 March, 2020

3 March, 2020

In what has been an admittedly slower year for one of the smaller metropolitan shopping outlets, Modbury Triangle Shopping Centre...

MP Jon Gee caught pwning CS:GO noobs in parliament

1 August, 2019

1 August, 2019

Just a few days after being busted playing Solitaire during budget estimates, it seems the brazen member for Taylor, MP Jon...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: