3 August, 2020 South Australia's other fake news source

Melbourne man visits Adelaide just to complain about shop trading hours

Gouland Hambitter and his family moved to Melbourne from Adelaide when he was eight-years-old. His father had taken up a job as a Jeff Kennett Doppelgänger and the family were to become Victorians.

Having not visited his home state in over a decade, Hambitter booked a two day trip over the Christmas break to complain about South Australia’s restrictive trading hours.

‘Oh my god, Adelaide’s so backwards’, Hambitter told the Adelaide Mail. ‘I ran out of goldfish food at 3am on a Tuesday morning, and I could not find any open shops selling goldfish food! In Melbourne, there are at least four goldfish food shops open until 4am every night within walking distance of my house’.

‘You guys need to get your shit together, tourists want to be able to go grocery shopping between the hours of 9pm and 11pm on a Saturday night. And they can’t, and you wonder why nobody comes to Adelaide’.

‘Everything in Melbourne is open 24/7, even things that you haven’t got here yet’, the Victorian continued. ‘Like, you know that vague feeling of fear you get when you walk down a side street after midnight in a dodgy suburb? That’s available whenever, wherever you want it back home. Or cool things, like having to queue up for an ATM. Those queues are there twenty four hours a day’.

‘I can see why everyone moves away’.

Hambitter would have stayed longer to complain about more ways in which Adelaide is inferior to Melbourne but was required to return to work, telling the Mail ‘can you believe they’re making me work on New Year’s Day? That’s bloody unaustralian!’

in Life, News
Related Posts

Woman scurries from David Jones building to avoid that hand cream guy

25 November, 2019

25 November, 2019

A Torrensville woman has aborted her first attempt at Christmas shopping for the year after being chased out of the...

Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre will abolish Pike Position

12 December, 2019

12 December, 2019

With the Adelaide Crows Aquatic Centre HQ looking to go ahead sometime in the near future because they’re the Crows...

Michael Keelan referred to as Keith Conlon for the last time!

23 September, 2018

23 September, 2018

That’s it, he’s absolutely had it. At first it was funny, sometimes even a little bit flattering, but enough is...

You can still take the kids to Puzzle Park this school holidays, it’s now somehow safer

8 July, 2020

8 July, 2020

What was once South Australia’s answer to Disneyland, the theme-park and scrap-metal haven of Puzzle Park now sadly remains abandoned...

Munno Para driverless bus somehow involved in road rage incident

17 July, 2019

17 July, 2019 1

A minibus that operates without anybody behind the steering wheel has somehow become embroiled in a road rage incident in...

Adelaide man thinks shirt smelling like smoke is the biggest issue as hundreds flee homes

21 November, 2019

21 November, 2019

As residents of Yorke Peninsula have fled their homes overnight, only to hear this morning that their property is lost,...

New sports radio station 1629 SEN releases coverage map

10 December, 2018

10 December, 2018

Following questions about the breadth of new sports-only radio station SEN’s broadcast coverage, the fledgling station has released a comprehensive...

Satirical news site runs out of TV commercials to rank, now completely out of ideas

29 May, 2020

29 May, 2020

TRENT BARTLETT South Australia’s second favourite source of fake news has been revealed for the sham that it is, with...

Single guy reckons going to Urrbrae qualifies him for ‘Farmer Wants a Wife’

19 August, 2019

19 August, 2019

Local bachelor, avid vaper, and Urrbrae dropout Nick Telecom has been looking for love for some time now, he told...

Behold! The Garden of Unearthly Awkward Stop and Chats

19 February, 2020

19 February, 2020

MATTHEW DEVITT Despite the highest of expectations, one Gepps Cross man’s foray into the Garden of Unearthly Delights has degenerated...

State Liberals sign sponsorship deal with Dulux in attempt to whitewash their reputation

17 February, 2020

17 February, 2020

With their reputation already facing questions thanks to former Liberal MP Sam ‘Wandering Hands’ Duluk, the South Australian Liberal Party...

Dad unnecessarily angry about how safe St. Kilda Playground is these days

11 June, 2020

11 June, 2020

Tired of enclosed trampolines, anti-bullying campaigns and gluten intolerances, distant father of six Darren Dedbeit decided to take the kids...

Crows fan still angry about Ian Perrie for some reason

4 April, 2019

4 April, 2019

Their forward line has been a constant source of contempt for Adelaide Crows fans since Tony Modra packed up his...

Election announced: Someone in Mt Barker orders 1,000 novelty cheques

11 April, 2019

11 April, 2019

Following the announcement from acting Prime Minister Scott Morrison that Australians will go to the polls on May 18th, somebody...

Mysterious combination of words unable to be deciphered by South Australians

8 August, 2018

8 August, 2018

Strange and possibly cryptic signs have been posted alongside South Australian major roads and highways. However, it is yet to...

Comments

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: